crybaby central

pssa testing has got to be the most god awful week of school. the kids were stressed out, overtired, bored, and losing confidence in their skills by the minute. multiply that feeling by 107 and thats how i felt. i might as well have had my jaw wired shut and my ankles chained to my desk. because thats how helpless i was. "all the planning and preparation and repetition is over. now its time to see what they can do." god love ya shawn, but thats not exactly the pep talk i needed. i dont want to just see what they can do. i want to help and encourage and work with them until its right. and i cant. i feel like its asking almost the impossible of a teacher. my entire job revolves around staying involved in their education. and now im asked to just sit behind a desk in total silence for three hours a day, staring at the frustrated faces of my children? shaking my head no when they ask me to pronounce a word for them or edit their writing? students are given a little snack and bottle of water every morning. i dont need a snack. what might help, however, would be a daily xanax. just a thought for next year. so in my desperation at six days of this torture, i tried to force myself to write. i havent written in my journal, or blogged for that matter, since nc roadtrip. on the first day of testing, i sat staring into space for a good half hour wondering why. i havent been able to write or blog or even read a book. all things which normally come naturally to me. whats been holding me back? not sure i have the answer. but i feel as though im coming closer.

if you know me at all, you wouldnt be surprised if i listed 'crying' as a hobby on a resume. i tend to get very emotional easily. is it annoying? probably. it is what it is. i cant help it. i have friends who remain stonefaced in all situations, able to mask how they feel. and ones who just really dont get that emotional. who dont cry on a regular basis. and ones who call it dramatic and over the top. im not one of those people. so i imagine youre not at all surprised that i cried nearly every day last week. testing is extremely stressful and i often get overwhelmed being in situations that i have no control over. so it makes sense. but now testing is over. and i still feel as though i could cry at near anything. summer is rapidly approaching and i promise not to be the girl crying at the dead dog. at least not all the time. so i will bitch and moan about life. at the end of the day i know that i am lucky. i have a loving family, amazing friends and a job i love. i am not poor or homeless or really in want of many things. but i finally found myself able to journal this week. and through the bits and pieces, all very choppy, i think im able to put together why im feeling so frustrated. cue waterworks.

i look around at the people in my life and its often amazing to me that they are living such different lives. i know its silly to think everyone would be a cookie cutter, but its been awhile since i took the time to appreciate the diversity. i started to think about what was really wrong with me and i found solace in these qualities. the people in my life often bring me back down from the could i tend to rest on. they make me see whats really going on and when i need to get myself in check. i really need to take some of what theyre doing and hopefully get myself out of this slump. im hoping they dont mind that i include them here. my sister k is such a strong person. she constantly deals with a hometown loser who cant make up his mind. i would love for him to move to iceland or somewhere equally lame. and to be honest, he doesnt deserve her. and she knows it. but im a solid resident of this glass house, and would never throw stones at that situation. ive been there for years. and i understand the seesaw shes going through. and i understand that there really is no way out. not now anyway. but the strength she shows daily, and the willingness she has to get back out there and continue to look for someone with moral character, really amazes me. there were many points when i found myself in a similar situation that i wasnt even close to strong enough to do that. and when it gets to that point, i admire her attempts at making a mature decision about what to do when you meet that nice guy. its never easy, especially with a summer of sun and scandal in the very near future. aside from that drama, shes dealing with the much larger issue of possibly losing her job. i cant imagine what that feels like, so i can only try to be supportive. throw into that mix our current living accomodations and its enough to make a person clinically insane. thats one i can relate to. i want to get out, need to get out, but where to go? how far is far enough to get rid of the nonsense? is it about a physical distance, or more about being honest with myself and being strong enough to stop trying to run away and just let go of the unnecessary? although i love my parents to death, i know i cant stay here much longer. im looking forward to a summer at the beach, but what happens after that? i plan to relax and enjoy myself, but i know i have some decisions to make about where ill be resting my head after labor day. my good friend a is also in the process of making about a bazillion decisions. if it were anyone else, id say they were running. hiding. trying to escape and take the easy way out. but not her. shes one of the most level headed people i know. maybe thats why we compliment one another. she calms me and brings me back to reality. im sure its not her favorite hobby, and shed much rather me be zen on a regular basis, but she deals well. and im really not sure how much of a loose cannon id be without her. but i know shes contemplating going, and to be honest, im not sure what ill do. heres selfish me coming out. i want her to be happy and do what she needs, but i need her here with me. dear pa teaching gods, find her a job within the vicinity of no libs. because i want to come to her apartment biweekly and eat guac at that fab mexican place and see her impression of the js face more than once a month. thats all. ok ok enough. my friend j was in a relationship forever and ever amen. finally deciding that it wasnt worth it. have i ever been able to do that? just give up when every single sign points to it? no of course not. i didnt have the strength when i should have. is she dealing with it everyday? sure. but shes finding herself again for the first time in years and its done amazing things for her. shes another whos out testing the waters again, even joining a dating site to widen her prospects. im jealous of her exploits in the world of dating (and also of her awesome job schedule - the travels seem like such fun). another good friend m picked up and moved his entire life hours away in search of a dream. he weighed all the options, then took the plunge. everytime i think of it, he makes me feel as though i need to be more freespirited and passionate. think about something i love more than life itself and just really go for it. granted, music lends to that freedom much more than teaching. but still, total admiration. knowing that his roots will still be here, the people and places he cares about arent going anywhere. knowing he can come back whenever he wants. but wont, until hes ready. and maybe if ever. which is fine. my cousin l could be my love life twin. separated at birth but totally in tune when it comes to love, or lack thereof. though we arent living close to one another, or even living remotely the same lifestyle, ive come to greatly appreciate the words of wisdom and ear she lends about a life that mirrors her own. its comforting to know that someones in the same boat. the non-love boat, if you will. i wish i could promise her that it will get better and shell find the love of her life and live happily ever after, but clearly i am not june cleaver. when i find that life, ill let you know.

so ive been putting on a brave face, giving good face, sucking a little face, all the while being pretty two-faced with myself (is that possible?). im quite depressed about something and being honest with myself, and all of you, about it would probably help. so hopefully without crying twelve more times, ill attempt to explain it. i dated someone in high school who cheated on and totally screwed with me. and continued to do so for years afterwards. then i tried again and found someone who thought the sun rose and set around me. and honestly still does. then i went to college and met another loser who didnt think it was necessary to tell me about his "other" girlfriend. and then i found another someone who loved me pretty much unconditionally until he couldnt anymore. now here i am, alone. back on the seesaw of my love life. gravitating back towards that ridiculous idea that i can change the bad guy. that maybe, just maybe, ill be the reason he wants to be better. seriously, i make myself sick sometimes. somewhere, i know that if hes just making half ass plans, harboring a secret (or not so secret) girlfriend, just texting and never calling, drinking excessively, unemployed or any of the multiple other redeeming qualities these men hold - hes not right for me. but ive always been in a relationship, or in the process of getting into or out of one. and i feel like a spaz without that someone. if i could, i would take a little smidge of all of the above peoples lives and smack myself with them. i need to find myself again. and be okay with being alone. i just dont know how to do that. its become increasingly clear in the recent past that i need to work on this. my frustration level is almost unbearable. but how? and where do i find the strength? all of these people, and the many others in my life, find strength in their daily lives to be happy and okay with themselves. im not saying ill stay in bed for weeks anytime soon, wallowing in my own self pity. but i do need to make changes. and find myself again. without all the added drama. i just need the strength to let go.

dear mr. president

in the past few months, teachers have been getting a real ass whooping from all four corners of this country. regardless of level of education or profession, gender, political affiliation, or socioeconomic status, they are being stereotyped and clumped together as if they all represent one individual. do i know teachers who are tenured that dont give a flying you-know-what about their students' success? oh yea. do i know teachers who are so burnt out they fly off the handle regularly? definitely. do i know teachers who selfishly keep their jobs, knowing it is hurting the chances or someone who may need it or want it more? you bet. do i know teachers who regularly bend the rules and twist the words clearly stated in legal documents to make their lives easier or create less work for themselves? unfortunately, its a yes to that one, too.

but if you spend a day in my life, you will also meet the saints. like the woman who comes to work everyday, still nursing the broken ribs from the gang fight she tried to save just one girl from. and the temporary legal advocates who had no idea what they were signing up for, but did it anyway because they knew multiple children without someone to speak up for them (trust me - im not the first. and definitely not the last). and the many staff members who give of their time, money, effort, and emotion to tutor for free and outside of school hours, purchase and wash child-size clothing, pack lunches for a kid who belong to someone else, and generally give that flying you-know that mrs. teresa tenure doesnt. these people are who i want to be. they are the reason i wanted to become a teacher, and they are a large part of why i show up everyday. and day by day, i feel as though im becoming one of them. i hope i never tip the scales too far, and end up like the teachers above. it happens. its the reason for laws and unions and tenure, and all the other junk that goes along with teaching. and i really do hate getting on my soapbox (its been awhile, now hasnt it?) so i want to share something much more refined. this woman captured literally everything i was feeling. i read this article yesterday in an educational newsletter. to be honest, i usually throw them out.  the stuffs pretty boring. but the cover caught my eye so i read it. it is not meant to offend or ridicule any profession. if you read it carefully, she is just trying to get everyone else to see what i see everyday. are teachers perfect? none that i know. some come very close - their dedication is unsurpassed by anything ive seen. but no one is perfect. all you can do is be passionate and give your all. its not just meant for teachers. i feel like anyone who works with, comes in contact with, witnesses the troubles of, or generally cares about the future of americas children can see the worth in her points.  the end is my favorite part. sorry its so long - im afraid theyll get rid of the archive so im reposting it here. enjoy:

Dear President Obama: Stop saying schools ‘fail’

Published April 2010 Voice

Mr. President:

Schools do not fail.  Children fail.  Children fail because the adults into whose care these children are placed fail in their jobs to nurture, guide and protect them.

Mothers fail when they smoke, drink or take drugs during their pregnancy.

Parents fail when they do not provide a healthy diet, a safe environment and timely medical care.

Parents and the extended family fail when no one nurtures young minds with books, conversations, and enriching activities that build an understanding of the world in which these children must function.

School boards and superintendents fail when they expect the same results from every teacher regardless of experience or training.

The entertainment industry fails when it markets a steady diet of mindless drivel and gratuitous violence to children.

Businesses fail when jobs are transferred overseas and families are forced into poverty due to lack of employment opportunities.

Law enforcement and social agencies fail when children who are victims of brutality and neglect go unrescued.

Legislators fail when they allow funding inequity and schools in poor neighborhoods to have a fraction of the resources that schools in wealthy neighborhoods have.

State education departments fail when they respond to teacher shortages by lowering professional licensure requirements instead of increasing remuneration or improving working conditions.

Media fail when they do not challenge the myths that one test can evaluate a child’s education; that every child should go to college; or that every social ill can be cured through public schools.

Despite public scorn and accusations of incompetence and isolation, America’s teachers meet the future that walks through our public school doors every day. They buy their own classroom supplies, tutor after school, and stay abreast of the latest research and teaching methods. They grieve when students fail and cheer when they succeed.

I do not know, Mr. President, if it takes a village to raise a child.  I do know that it takes more than a school.

Respectfully,
Kathy Neary

Editor’s note: Kathy Neary is retired after 34 years as a teacher and union leader, including 12 years on the PSEA Board of Directors.

out of sight - out of mind?

i am having a day and a half. and i cant really put my finger on the exact why. could be the backlash of the middle school events on friday that is rocking my job to the core. could be the disgusting rain replacing the tease of sunshine we got. could be that its the week mother nature turns me into a complete trainwreck. could be the summer house issues were dealing with and the lack of hope i see there. could be the bazillion straight five-day weeks weve had at school that drag before spring break. more than likely, its a combination of all of the above.

[before i begin my rant: a disclaimer... i am not living in a bubble. i know that there are many people out there with way worse lives than me. they are suffering day in and day out, for health and socioeconomic reasons. for real, logical reasons. they have it tougher than me. and i dont think my problems come close to touching the caliber of many others. however, id rather vent here than throw it out into the world, and into the ears of those people. so, without beating myself up about it, ill try to explain why im feeling a little blue. and ill even try not to feel guilty for it.]

so if im being completely honest with myself, which as always - is not my strong suit, id say that the above reasons for why im a little mopey pale in comparison to another nagging feeling. ive written this blog six ways to sunday, never with a good result. i keep deleting it. which, i guess, is what im doing with the feeling. deleting it. over and over, hoping it will go away. and its not. but before i get to that, many things are picking away at me that leads me to this feeling.

my phone never rings. okay it occasionally rings. but whenever it does, its my mother, my bff a, or my slightly compulsive summer roomie f. all of whom i love immensely. however, i just wish that it would ring with someone else on the other end. my phone does plenty of other tricks. it vibrates. it beeps. it dings. it blinks. none of which signify a phone call. i could cover all four walls of my bedroom with bbms and texts. and i have beat this subject to death before, so i wont do it again - but really? is it that difficult to place a call? and to further that point... what, for the love of god, is the point of making plans you dont intend to keep? yes, before you say anything, i am full aware that i am infamous for missed plans. i tend to make them, then find something id much rather do. like sleep. or eat. or do something much more fun with my girl friends. theyre usually a part of the "what id rather do than go on a date with you" category. however, i feel it is no bueno when this plan-breaking happens to me. at least i have the decency to come up with a lame ass excuse for the missed plans or the no call/no show i sometimes pull. and honestly, its a waste of my time. if i was really that interested, wouldnt i show? and yes, i am completely contradicting myself. but suck it. this is how i feel. if this was the blog for what everyone else feels, then they could speak. but alas, its mine. so while i know it is not mature or acceptable to make plans i half ass intend to follow through on, i really loathe it coming from the opposite party. and what is with guys lately? have they always been this flaky? or is this some new tactic to lure the hunnies? please do not send me an embarassingly big display of flowers to my job on valentines day, text me in the morning on my way to work almost every day, and call sporadically... then just STOP. and please do not finagle my information through friends of friends, ask to take me out when youre in town on business, make out with me in a public place... then just STOP. and while i could probably go on for hours, you get the point. i dont get it. what was the point of starting any of it? these random relationships (for lack of a better word) are tapering at the oddest times. it just makes no logical sense. oh, you liked me yesterday but today youre over it? what. ev. er.

and the sad fact is, i really dont care about any of these people. if they were to keep calling/texting, id be annoyed. if they asked me to make plans, id feign others. so why am i annoyed? who the hell knows. i told you i was having a day. but i feel like at the stage i am right now, i need these people. they keep me busy and sane. and help me to take the focus off other pressing issues. its almost as though its better that i dont care about them, because its like mindless fun. there is no stress or worry there. when i really think about it, i almost hope they dont like me. and by god, if they could really the horrendous things i write, i think id solidify that. a made a good point the other night. "out of sight, out of mind" is the man motto for 2010 i think. its all well and good if im at the forefront of their mind. if visions of me are dancing around in their head. but when they go for long periods without seeing my smashing beauty, its all over. and really, who could blame them? [anyone catching the sarcasm of these statements? anyone? bueller?]

which brings me to the point. if there actually is one? i think i should follow the "out of sight, out of mind" motto. make it my own. i will not be sending any messages/calls in the direction of the gentlemen in my life. and if i receive any, i am ignoring them. hard as it may be, i will wait for my phone to ring. and if it doesnt, so be it. the lack of voice to voice (and face to face) communication is getting ridiculous. and more specifically, there is a certain someone i should keep out of my sights and mind for at least the near future. i shouldnt get ahead of myself, but summer is rapidly approaching. and our beach house is quite small for the amount of chaos this mess could stir up. in fact, id go so far as to say the entire island may not hold it. the unfortunate fact is that among all these suitors that arent, hes actually the only one i enjoy. and i thoroughly enjoy him, be that as it may. in the past, meetings were few and far between. always with the same result. always with this same feeling. but the communication in between was nonexistent. therefore nixing any and all options of what would come next. however, i am in a whole different ballgame now. one in which im unsure of how i feel. or maybe im not unsure. im just not willing to deal with how i feel. and how i shouldnt feel. and where exactly it will leave me in a month. which worries me. so instead of putting myself in the worlds worst scenario, i will instead delete the thoughts. over and over. like the numerous messages i will be receiving, im sure.

the era of the wheat bread

you may be thinking ive officially gone off the deep end. wheat bread, huh. ive dedicated an entire blog to the worlds most boring food? or maybe im finally curbing my carb-tastic diet? pshhh cmon. i know i am one of the few people out there who still says no to wheat bread. i just cant help it. dont get me wrong. if i happen to grab the wrong lunch from the fridge and end up with turkey on wheat, ill eat it. honestly, what wont i eat? but i wont enjoy it! its not like the worst food ever, its just...blah. and do not even get me started on the kind with the nuts and seeds in it. woof.

this brings me to my comparison. theres a point, i promise. when referring to a certain gentleman the other day, i compared his personality to that of a slice of said wheat bread. probably not the nicest thing ive ever said, but (if you know me at all) also not nearly the meanest. hes not mean-hearted, unintelligent, or annoying, just boring. keeping in mind, his accent is to dieee for. i could honestly close my eyes and listen to him say nonsense things for hours. and it doesnt hurt that hes a phenom kisser. however, part of me thinks that i should stop looking at these absurdly random positive factors, and concentrate on the fact the he is about 25% of the guy im looking for. but im stopped by the much larger part of me that thinks im being too critical. he is, in fact, quite a man-catch. he has what i often refer to as the mr. right trifecta [job. home. car... for those of you not yet familiar]. and we have a very brief, somewhat stilted, history. and if im being completely honest with myself, which im so not good at, i would have to admit that my best foot has not quite been put forward. dont worry, debbie downer has left the building. i will not bash myself, i know im a catch. but i agree with the fact that until you really get the opportunity to know someone, you are given small glimpses into their life. and unfortunately for my current situation, those snapshots show a little more of my wilderness. some extra vodka here, a little crazy dancing there, throw in a public display of overaffection with a stranger, and there you have it. a very distorted picture of my life. its not me. but its damn close to what he knows of me. so in reality, this quite mature boy/man may not have seen even close to the 100% of the established woman hes looking to spend his time with. which brings me back to the ever popular "you shouldnt throw stones if you live in a glass house" mantra. cliche, but so true!

and this "wheat bread" theory does not just apply to this mister. i can really use it to refer to them all. and by all, i mean the somewhat interesting bits and pieces of guys in my life right now. its far too late in the evening for this wordsy woman to attempt any form of math, especially that of percentages. however, upon stretching my number brain (with the help of my bff a - who found herself contemplating these very same thoughts) i came to the conclusion that a combination of all these fellas would equal the 100% im looking for. in layman's terms, if i could build mr. right from the randoms floating around my love life, id be golden. married in months. until next time, ill be dreaming of big j's accent, combined with b's humor, coupled with j's generosity, and l's conversation, all in the physical package of new j. and obviously, thats not an option. but god, wouldnt it be fab?

baby im [amazed]

see what happens when you start the day with a fresh outlook? my selfless friend c must be pushing her luck with the man upstairs, because her car wouldnt start this morning. so another awesome coworker r dropped her son off early and swung back to pick me up. talk about vip. who knew you could valet your car and be chauffered to work in delco? during homeroom, i got five hellos, two whats ups, five good mornings, one i like your hair todays, and one how was your weekend. more than the average monday, ill tell ya that. i laughed with two of my classes. throughout the day, kids were really interacting with the poetry. students who usually dont volunteer were opening up about personal experiences. and theyre all really "getting" it. read across america plans fell into place easily. my kids are maturing before my eyes, all very excited to help third graders read and write seuss-like poems. the support system at my school came out in full force today, with offers of rides to and from school, coveted parking spots, and an after-school cocktail whenever needed. my principal gave me the number of "his car guy" so i can get an estimate, as well as the administration parking space he utilizes and good money news from his connections at the district (no comment, a). there was no traffic on my ride home. a day that started quite cold actually got pretty warm, especially given the influx of wintry mix in this area. i came home to blt's for dinner, yummo. and i mailed the check for our st patrick's day beach house.

but heres the [best of the best] part: were technically in our third week of collecting change for the leukemia and lymphoma society's annual pennies for patients charity. 100% of the money raised goes to affected children and their families. last year my school raised $800. its supposed to be a three-week collection period - 15days. with all the snowdays, weve been collecting for over a month. this week is the last. since c and i are co-chairing student council, weve announced it every morning on the intercom, sent home flyers and cute little collection boxes to the primary grades, and talked it up at each grade level, turning it into a schoolwide competition. theres a huge thermometer hanging in the cafeteria that showed our $1000 goal and our progress towards it. i also got the word out to the daycare center who rents our gymnasium (which is one of fifteen branches in the area) and sent flyers to their corporate office. they cut us a check for $545.31 on top of what my school raised. wow! whichhh is already way past our goal. so, even in the midst of everything thats going on, my kids continue to amaze me with their selflessness and willingness to give, when i know they dont have very much. and to remind me yet again of how very lucky i am.

[my] clean blanket

"tomorrow i start with a clean blanket."

[linus van pelt - charlie brown comics]

i consider myself very lucky to have found a kindred spirit in my induction mentor c. it helps that she teaches (and loves) middle school language arts, devours books by the day and enjoys the relaxation of a weeknight martini. but more than that, she has so many qualities of a great teacher and friend. i learn from her everyday and continue to cherish the time we spend together. though this year it seems the positive moments at school are few and far between, i can attribute most to situations where c was present. for my birthday, she made a bigger deal than was necessary. and the gift she gave me has made life just a little bit easier. the mug she gave me features a cartoon drawing of linus and snoopy, with the infamous blue blanket. written on the inside of the mug is the above quote. there is no way c could have known about what would happen recently. but this is what i mean. she just is this wonderful person. its almost as if she knows what i need before i need it. im very lucky shes a part of my life. with everything that has happened this year, and especially in the last week, its becoming difficult to go along like everything is normal. its getting harder to get out of bed and go to work. i used to look forward to the beginning of the week, and im starting to resent mondays. im hoping this feeling will pass, and the pain and insecurity will become more dull as time goes on. but until then, i am trying to start each day with a clean blanket. to wipe the slate clean and know that certain elements of my life are out of my control. i need to focus on what i can and do my best to work through this. so with another monday looming, and the knots in my stomach growing by the minute, i feel as though i need to take a step back. to start tomorrow, and everyday, with a clean blanket. thank you c, for believing that i am strong enough.

god grant me...

completely numb. that will be my answer from now on. when anyone asks me how im feeling, that is what ill say. its the best way to describe what i feel right now. if i really try to weed through the fog of numbness, im sure i could locate hurt, sadness, anger, heartbreak, frustration, hopelessness, pity and depression among other things. but whats the point? none of that will help me get through this. there are many stages to grieving. and people do it all the time. like when they lose loved ones or when relationships end. but how about for those moments that change your life in other ways? just because you didnt lose someone close to you, doesnt mean you shouldnt grieve. but are the rules different? am i allowed to mourn the loss of my passion the same way i would a boyfriend of five years? i dont know. i just know that in everything thats happened in the last two years, nothing has made me feel like this.

i wish i could be stronger. if i was a better person, i could do this. i would. i would forgive the child who did this, who really doesnt know any better and has never been taught. but i cant. i would forget it ever happened, chalk it up to a meaningless event that just made me stronger. but i cant. i would understand that some things are out of my control, that i cant raise these kids to know right from wrong. but i cant. i would realize that there are not enough hours in the day to undo all the damage their parents have caused, that i couldnt find the time in the world to solve all their problems. but i cant. i would be able to let go of this hatred and this anger thats burning me up, this inability to feel bad. but i cant. and i think thats the worst part. i feel so angry and spiteful about the whole thing. ive tried a million different ways to see it. and all i have is this horrible feeling of contempt. i cant get over it. its like everything i preach everyday to these kids is a joke. i tell them not to fight, or steal, or lie, or cheat. i ask them to think of others feelings and actions, before lashing out. i try to get them to understand the consequences of holding on to all those negative emotions, and about how it can destroy you. i attempt to convince them to stop saying and thinking hurtful things about one another, and try to resolve issues instead. and what kind of a teacher am i, if i cant even follow my own advice.

and after everything thats changed about me, and how much differently i feel now, this is making me very quickly lose it all. in the matter of two days, im drifting back to who i was before. i cant even believe im saying this, but i almost dont care. whats the point. if i have no support, and no matter what i do nothing changes, and nothing gets better, and theres no discipline and no consequences, and everythings been in such shambles all year, then why bother. i might as well do what the rest of the burnt out teachers in my district do. ill teach to the test. ill pump the kids full of useless information that will help them get a score. help them earn us money. help them do exactly whats asked, and forget it days later because its not realistic. none of this is me. i love what i do. i used to wake up every morning, excited about the day to come. interested in the material, enjoying the rapport with the students, excited to find out new things, anxious to see what worked and what could get better. now, i dont. and i feel like a terrible person. im nothing without my passion. and right now, i just dont know how to get past all this and get it back. its almost easier to stay numb.

delightful delivery :)

im pretty sure i have the flu. im totally broke. my car needs gas - again. both of my exbfs felt it necessary to contact me this weekend. i had to ride the whole way to school with a dead ipod and corny talk radio. im at the beginning of another school week. i got three hours of sleep last night. i am currently in possession of a curling iron that heats up when it wants to. and my lips are chapped. i hate when my lips are chapped.

but lets put things into perspective. how bad can your day really be . . . when at noon, you get a call from the front office saying theres a delivery for you. and instead of the five literature textbooks you ordered last week and have been expecting, you get these?

little blurry. terrible at taking bberry pictures. and obvi my sister k "likes it." but in case youre wondering, theyre the size and weight of max when he was two. and gorgeous. now, wouldnt it be fab if i could get a surprise like this everyday? sure. but then it wouldnt be so special. so for now, ill just sit back and enjoy it. wonder what comes next. and maaaybe stare at them til i fall asleep!

no more mrs. bad guy

someone always has to be the bad guy. someone has to apologize. to be wrong. to admit that maybe they overreacted. to take the fall. to give in first. to comfort the other person, even when you dont want to. in any type of relationship. but nothing will ever work if the same someone is always the bad guy.

people do things everyday. some good, some bad. but all who make them who they are.

they do things they regret - like hookup with your stupid cousin. once. ok maybe twice. in high schoooool (does anyone not realize the significance of this? who did you not make out with in high school? honestly, most of my friends were making out with half the baseball team. [loveyou homegirls] isnt that the point? between high school and college...youve got to get it out of your system before marriage, right?)

they test the waters - like dating someone you kinda sorta maybe almost knew last summer when you were with your roomates sisters at a party and you were beer pong partners. really?! it does not count. you are not friends. you do not socialize unless in a large group. you would not call him to hit a bucket of golf balls. you would not invite him over to play video games. just because someone lives and breathes the same human air on the same coast of a big freaking country as you does not mean he is off-limits. he is free game! and for the record, if you have no factual information about what happened on said "dates" with said "everyone" then you should probably shut it. because contrary to this fairy tale world you live in where every date ends in a sleepover, this very much single woman is taking her ass home to bed. her own bed. (almost) every time.

they live in small towns- where yes, as they say, everyone knows everyone. they do associate with your family and friends on a regular basis. but that is because they are not the ones wearing whore blinders. they actually see a good, respectable, hardworking woman when they see one. and they enjoy her company. because she is charming and smart and funny. and does not take your shit. so instead of harping on what a terrible person she is to the very core of her soul, you should maybe listen to the voices who mean the most to you. they are not stupid, nor are they lulled into a belief stupor about how much of a catch you are. they see the "good thing" train as it speeds by you on the tracks.

they have relationships, and they cheat - which i cannot dwell on because it is neither desirable, nor acceptable. it breaks my heart and forces me to yet again swallow the pit in my throat that has not, and im pretty sure will not, go away. i dug my own grave. and i know that. but if you were the person there lending me a shovel, you have no room to talk. what you should make room for, is yourself. in that hole. down there with me where you belong. and i will continue this cliche juuuust a little longer to say that you have no right to stand above that hole, throwing the dirt down into it with your vicious words and assumptions. you have no right to put yourself to a higher standard and judge. you were there too. youre just as wrong. were the same. except i actually know i was wrong. and im sorry for that.

people make mistakes. you need to be mature enough to get over them. you need to be responsible enough to take credit for your own. you need to be held accountable for the things you say and the way you make people feel. someone once said that in order to give your love to someone else, you have to first love yourself. well if you cant even get to that step, then how can you ever truly make someone else happy? at the point i am now, im nowhere close to that. i know i have redeemable qualities. i know that i can make (and have made) the people i love very happy. but i cant do that in the state im in. i cant do that when im constantly being told what huge mistakes ive made and what a bad person i am. im not proud of anything ive just said. im also not proud that written in my journal, are about fifteen different versions of this same speech. and im especially not proud that its the speech ive been giving myself for nine years.
god, youd think with an outburst like that, id be stupid not to listen to myself. and thats exactly how i feel. stupid. for believing in something so much that its clouded my judgement for this long. for making excuse after excuse for completely inexcusable behavior. for creating this picture that everyone wanted to see. for hiding the really bad stuff so it would make the mildly good stuff look better. for ignoring the words, from the simple snide remarks to the truly hurtful digs. for just being so completely and utterly blind to the situation at hand.

but im done. beating myself up. the only place to go from here is up. and while, im clearly not perfect, and i cant promise anything, i really am trying. i dont need this. i never have. and its about time i realize that. so before this becomes a rags to riches tale of awakening, i need to remember why im here. staring at what looks like a billion words that seemed to come out of nowhere in a matter of minutes. i am not always the bad guy. in most of my life, i am not the victim. i refuse to be. it needs to bleed into everywhere, even this. and what better time to start, than now. ive done alot of apologizing over the last few days. to myself for being a rag doll. to my friends and family for listening to my soap opera and offering the same advice theyve given me for years. to someone who didnt deserve an apology in the first place. to my students and coworkers for my lack of attention span. and in the last nine years, ive never once heard a heartfelt "im sorry." and maybe what brought me to this point is the fact that i cant, for the life of me, figure out why that was okay for so long.

whisper words of wisdom

and when the broken hearted people

living in the world agree.

there will be an answer, let it be.

for though they may be parted,

there is still a chance that they will see.

there will be an answer, let it be.

sometimes you just have to let it be. people come into your life. and they leave. things happen that you couldnt have ever predicted. and there are moments you saw coming from a mile away. sadness and loss hit you hard. but your heart feels as though it may burst with love and pure joy. you lose the people you love. but gain new loves. you win. and you lose. you get the chance to do what you love. but you miss out on opportunities. you rush through life. and you live certain moments as if they are an eternity. life is full of so many ups and downs. and so much of that truly is out of your hands. as the resident control freak around here, letting go of that comfort is not something im used to doing. or something i like to do, for that matter. but i think its about time.

lately, i have started to let go. to just let things be whatever they are. and its weirdly working. dont get me wrong, im not convinced. you wont catch me spinning around barefoot in the fields, enjoying the musical stylings of jimi hendrix while i drink wheat grass shakes. not on your life. im still the very tightly wound young woman you know (and love, right?!). but ive been trying to distinguish that which i can change and that which will forever be out of my control. and slowly but surely, i am taking the deep breath out to let some things go. never thought id hear myself say that.

my biggest struggle is with my heart. my head has a very clear picture of what is feasible and whats just flat out ridiculous. but there seems to be a disconnect. they just arent agreeing with one another. and being the hopeless romantic that i [still] am after all thats changed in my life, i tend to lean more towards the heart end of things. ive never been very good at hiding my feelings. or making them go away. which would explain my current predicament. so for now, im trying to let it be. whatever that means. while i feel there is no letting this situation be, im willing to try. what im not willing to do, is put my life on hold for something i still cant rely on. and until im actually confident with this, ill be replaying the words over and over again in my head. it has to work eventually, right?