the power of she

i write because its therapeutic. because sometimes there is no one who truly understands, try as they might. because i often find the answers in my words where i least expected them. because im trying to take my mind off the inevitable. because im stalling for time, hoping that i can get lost somewhere in my words. many friends have told me they find solace in my words, and i thank them for that. i hate taking credit for my writing because the words seem to just come from nowhere. its nothing i could have learned or practiced. its not something i work at and pat myself on the back for. its just a gift. one that i honestly thank god for everyday and dont know how id live without. more often than not, however, i find more comfort in the words of others. i am just about the furthest thing from a feminist. but sometimes you need a little girl power. and for those of you who cant seem to find it in the spice girls never give up on the good times lyrics, here is something that may resound a little more clearly with you:

she  [by kobi yamada]

she must be something special. she is.

celebrate her.

she loved life and it loved her back.

celebrate her passion.

she listened to her heart above al other voices.

celebrate her wisdom. 

she pursued big dreams instead of small realities.

celebrate her priorities.

she saw every ending as a new beginning.

celebrate her resiliency.

she discovered her real measurements had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.

celebrate her self esteem.

she was kind, loving and patient...with herself.

celebrate her tenderness.

she woke up one day and threw away all her excuses.

celebrate her accountability.

she realized that she was missing a great deal by being sensible.

celebrate her spirit.

she turned her cant's into cans and her dreams into plans.

celebrate her goals.

she ignored people who said it couldnt be done.

celebrate her independence.

she had a way of turning obstacles into opportunities.

celebrate her magic.

she went out on a limb, had it break off behind her and discovered she could fly.

celebrate her faith.

she discovered she was the one shed been waiting for.

celebrate her self reliance.

she added so much beauty to being human.

celebrate her presence.

she walked in when everyone else walked out.

celebrate her friendship.

she just has this way of brightening the day.

celebrate her radiance.

she made the whole world feel like home.

celebrate her warmth.

she decided to enjoy more and endure less.

celebrate her choices.

she decided to start living the life shed imagined.

celebrate her freedom.

she colored her thoughts with only the brightest hues. 

celebrate her optimism.

she was an artist and her life was her canvas.

celebrate her brilliance.

she ran ahead where there were no paths.

celebrate her bravery.

she crossed borders recklessly, refusing the recognize limits, saying bonjour and bon giorno as though she owned both france and italy and the day itself.

celebrate her joie de vivre.

she held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.

celebrate her strength.

she not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel; she became the light for others.

celebrate her compassion.

she designed a life she loved.

celebrate her joy.

she took the leap and built her wings on the way down.

celebrate her daring.

she said bye bye to unhealthy relationships.

celebrate her happiness.

she remained true to herself.

celebrate her authenticity.

she made the world a better place to be. 

celebrate her.

to give credit where it is due, two incredibly important women in my life turned me on to this poem. my little sister k found it while browsing for a "where would i be without you" gift for her teaching mentor. and oddly enough, my teaching mentor c used to jot lines from the poem on sticky notes and leave them on my desk during the many trying days of my first year. i often wondered where she found lines to fit each day, whether heartbroken, frustrated, giddy, or frightened. those silly little notes may be what kept me sane. and i saved every one. i knew it was a poem, but it wasnt until i read it in its entirety that i understood its true meaning. ive probably read it a million times, and it still gives me goosebumps. its very empowering as a whole. but if you take the time to peel it apart layer by layer, youll see a little bit of all the women you know. and if youre being honest with yourself, you will be able to relate. i have accomplished some of the lines in this poem. and i celebrate myself. and obviously, there are others i am still working on. but i know i will get there. and when that day arrives, i will celebrate. 

the world of hookups

i recently read an article about "how to find love in a world of hookups" that opened my eyes to many valid points. it started by being openly honest about the ridiculousness of the 1990's ultimatum boom. now, ive been known to throw an ultimatum out there in my day. is it right? no. but it works. i feel like this is mostly due to the fact that im quite the wordsmith and its remarkably easy for me to twist the idea in ways that make it seem that the "ultimatum" was actually the other persons incredible idea. and then its just wee little me, agreeing with said idea. and for many women, the ultimatum works. men either know theyre putting a ring on it or watching it walk away. but im impressed by the fact that this article refutes the cliche of ultimatums, forcing women (and men) to take accountability for their own role in a relationship. or hookup. it goes on to say what we all know is true. although many are settling down, most young adults are taking their time. it is no longer a requirement for a woman to be wifed (and knocked) up and barefoot in the kitchen of her first home at the ripe young age of 22. people are taking longer to find love, cultivate it slowly and surely, and settle down.

which, in the current midst of my quarter life crisis in which i envision myself in my old maid rocking chair feeding my bazillion cats in the next few years, i find very soothing. without repeating the saga you know all too well, i was ultimatum girl about a year ago. it still shocks me that im weeks away from being single for an entire year. july 11, and yes im a freak for knowing the exact date but i intend to throw myself a single ladies party complete with personal bottle of patron that day, in order to completely and utterly forget the love story that wasnt. but at this point last year, i was full of the "what ifs." i was probably either contemplating or in the midst of yet another talk about when i would be sporting a rock. unfortunately, and i cringe at my own neediness of this event, many of these talks were being had with my significant other. who was notttt feeling it. was he still in love with me at that point? probably. was i subconsciously doing everything in my power to revoke that love? ohhh yea. for all of you throwing stones right now, remember that you were probably ultimatum girl at some point. she is needy, insecure, uncomfortable, and basically a babbling mess of tears and unfulfilled dreams. shes not a pretty picture, but shes real. and i can honestly say, if i were to go back and do it all again, i would still be her. i was at a dark point, knowing that it was a last ditch effort. i think i knew full well we werent going to be together forever. i might have even known we wouldnt make it through our lease. but i wasnt ready to let go of that vision. i immaturely thought that letting him know just how badly i wanted to fix it, and just how happy id be with a ring, and just how heartbroken i would be without him, and just how sorry he would be if he lost me, that maybe hed get it. 

its one of those out of body experiences. like watching a movie, starring your own pitiful self. and sometimes you need to seriously look at yourself and throw that girl out. who needs her? i was not half of a person when i met him. i was whole. and sooner or later, i would become whole again. which brings me to the actual point. the article does not say anything about exboyfriends or engagement rings, but it did make me think about the person i was when i was with d. weirdly enough, i was all set to play stepford wife, complete with bouffant hair and paisley apron. just because that was what was expected.  i was failing to look around at the bazillions of young people around me just living. i was already a 50year old woman, trapped by the confines of my unhappily married life. at the time, i thought that was who i wanted to be. now i realize its not. im not knocking my tons of married/engaged/pregnant friends. this works for many people! and who knows, if i were with someone else in a different situation, it may have worked for me too. but i was in it for the wrong reasons.

and this is where the article gets really good. i have now dealt with the "love" piece and will move on to the obviously more fun part, the "hookup." the casual hookup has gotten a bad reputation over the years. meeting a guy in a bar was a no no. and the major reason why i loved this article is, it asks why not?  there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. do i think ill find my husband when im drinking a lemonade dinner at the sunday jam? or when my feet are caked in bar sludge? or when im knee deep in the most banging late night pizza in the history of the world? doubtful. but its highly possible that i will meet someone who is just as drunk and giddy as i am. and probably interested in having a good time. i know i know, you all have these life changing stories of about sixty million people who have found love in a bar, have met their soul mate at happy hour, or have given the chance to the poor schmuck enjoying a post-bar snack next to them on a park bench. and maybe it happens. but in order for someone to actually create something meaningful from these situations, there needs to be some amount of work. being a currently active member of what was a casual hookup, i found the rest very interesting. its about being honest, first with yourself, and then with the other half of alleged hookup. it gives advice for both ends of the spectrum. and its mostly about talking - talking about what you need and want from the situation, talking not only with yourself but with the other person involved. and as a woman of many (and many many many many more) words, i find this piece very comforting. if theres one thing i can do without practice or planning, its talk. on one hand, if you truly are looking just for fun, speak your mind. let that lucky man piece know that its all youre interested in. dont talk about career goals, little sisters softball games, or that amazing recipe you tried last week. let him know, it is what it is. and if youre meeting the types of guys i currently am, this is music to their commitment-phobic ears. let him know what you like and dont like, and tell him if he doesnt do it, hes out. on to the next one? on the other hand, if you are looking for something more, again let him know. speak your mind or youll forever be biting your nails, wondering what hes thinking or where this is going. this right here, ladies, is the hard part. i usually know what i want. but its often difficult to get that out. but in honor of all of my wonderful friends and their stories of love found in the most random places, i will take the advice of this article and speak my mind. here goes nothing!

celebrate good times, cmon!

i am on top of the world. pssa scores came in early. a little birdy [aka s] told me where i just might be able to locate my own. and those comparable from the rest of the middle schools in the district. at first, i thought it was to teach me a lesson. here, d, this is what your scores look like now as a new teacher, but look what you can achieve. look at the other 7th grade teachers. look at your 8th grade mentor. but then i realized why he showed me. obviously my mentor c kicked pssa ass. i hope in ten years to come close to her scores. i say "scores" but i really mean the skills and teaching abilities she has that brings her kids to that point. but the best part was 7th grade. not only did i break the goal barrier for the district, but i beat the rest of the district for 7th, by at least 8%. whaaaat? now i know i shouldnt be this giddy about the fact that i "beat" my colleagues in what is clearly not a "contest" or "game" of any kind. but as a new teacher, its extremely rewarding. im finally starting to believe what everyone has been telling me all year. im doing something right. my kids took this test so seriously. they showed up to school (on time even!) having eaten breakfast and gone to bed early. they asked questions and used the unraavel strategy. they wrote rough drafts and edited. they used reading skills and vocabulary strategies. and god, they took their time! they gave it a bazillion and one percent. and, if you remember my crazy rant, i near lost my mind. it was the most difficult week i can remember. the feeling of helplessness would not go away. i knew there was nothing i could do at that point. i had brought them to the water, but could not make them drink. i had shown them how and practiced with them. but they had to do it on their own. and THEY DID IT! its like having the most exciting news in the world and not being able to share it with anyone! i want to hug them all tomorrow and say, you did it! you rock! youre amazing! but i cant. i really shouldnt say much more, on the off chance that my superintendent (who thinks my name is dana and i used to work for the 100book challenge corporation) might stumble across my wee little blog and realize im leaking confidential state testing information. yikes! regardless, ill be sleeping on cloud nine tonight. WAHOO!

99 problems, and they all bitches.

thats where youre wrong, kid cudi. ive actually got 107. but yes, theyre all bitches right about now. i just need to survive four more days. report cards are in, grades have been finalized, summer school is rostered, textbooks have been collected. im in the process of cleaning/packing up my room, with a little help from my favorite behavior problems. the sad fact is, ill miss them in about a week. it usually takes that long. by the end of christmas break, im actually itching to get back in there. spring break feels like an eternity. outside looking in, im sure this sounds insane. a teacher who doesnt look forward to time off? dont get me wrong. i love it. its what keeps me sane and gives me the strength to go back next year. i appreciate the time off my job allows. especially with a summer of beach looming in the near future. but if i didnt miss the kids, would i be in the right profession? they drive me up the wall on a regular basis, but i wouldnt have it any other way. ill think of them all at one point this summer. and i can count on one hand the number of students whose names will make me cringe. and next year, ill cry my way through september, wondering how ill ever survive. forgetting again, how unruly and wild my students were when they walked through the halls of seventh grade at the beginning of the year. ill say "oh my god these kids are terrible. last years kids werent half as bad" and "ill never accomplish anything with this type of behavior" and "these are test scores? they look like shoe sizes. well never make ayp this year" all the while ceasing to remember that i was in the same position this year. and eventually, the tears will subside and ill be at thanksgiving break, seeing the light at the end of the crazy tunnel. someone just remind me to read this post everyday next september.

just six words?

legend says that my man ernest hemingway was asked to write the story of his life in under ten words. one version of the story places him in a bar, trying to scrounge together a way to pay off a lengthy bar tab. he apparently used his wit and writing skill to weasel his way out of that one. another version of the story says that he challenged a classy lunch table full of high caliber writers to ante up. and they balked. so into the pot went their $10 bills. winner takes all? he certainly did. still another version contains a lengthier version of hemingway's story, similar to a classified ad featured next to an article he wrote for a local paper. and unless were hopping in the delorean for the night with doc brown, we have no way of knowing what really happened. regardless, mission accomplished. he created something that he later called his best work. and what came from this urban legend is perhaps one of the most poignant and mysterious pieces of writing to this day:

"for sale: baby shoes, never worn."

excuse me, what? at first glance, the story makes no sense. but break it apart. its an advertisement. a person is trying to sell something they will no longer use. and by the looks of it, something they have never used. as far as ads go, this one seems pretty solid. think of yourself as an old school craigs list buyer. things are hardly ever new/unused. youve practically hit the jackpot. but have you? the simple, yet evocative story begs many questions. who is selling said shoes? is it a man, a woman, a couple? and why are they willing to sell the shoes? why dont they have any use for them? hemingway's story makes me absolutely mad with thoughts. on one hand, i believe this: he was often looked at as a remarkably mature writer, someone who had lived beyond his years. even at a young age, and early in his writing career, hemingway showed maturity in everything from his word choice to experiential nature. he wrote with the tenderness and wisdom of an old man who had seen and done quite a bit. many agree that his development as a writer did not follow a steep upward slope; he started out so advanced that there wasnt much room to build. that being said, i look at his "baby shoes" as the foundations of his writing career. he never needed to learn how to crawl and then walk. he started off at a run. he never felt the need to wear those baby shoes. he started right off with a pair of chuck taylors. high tops, preferably. and thats what i refer to as my "serendipity" version. its a lovely story, right? but most likely, its not the case. ernest hemingway was also looked at as a very dark writer. many of his novels and plays do not end with lines evoking the "happily ever after" feeling. people in his works often leave their families, fall out of love, get killed in wars, and generally live a life of loneliness and heartbreak. hes no edgar allan poe, but he gets deep with it. he has often been referred to as an emotion-squasher, for lack of a better word. he gives you all of the facts and events, and leaves you to weep on your own. many of his novels force the reader to look at the truth, when they would much rather sugar coat it or replace it with a much prettier version. and unfortunately, many believe that the baby shoes belonged to a baby, one who was never able to wear them. in almost all of hemingways writing, there is a sense of loss. the story i think is most likely true, sad as it may be, is about the loss of a child. his child maybe? in this version, hes selling the shoes because his child never got the chance to wear them. hes not only selling the physical shoes, but the memories of the child who would never walk in them. he was known to mask many emotions and push negativity aside, not dealing with his issues. so instead of dealing with this loss, he is pushing it away, selling it to someone who may be able to create better memories.

and now that ive officially depressed you all, theres a purpose! smith magazine took this phenomenon and turned it into an online contest. the contest to create a piece of flash fiction, following in the footsteps of ernest hemingway, led to a series of books. people from all over the world, in all walks of life, not separated by race or age or interest, famous and obscure, submitted entries. i find myself completely enthralled by this idea. i cant get enough of it. im a really big play on words person so this is like my dream read. and with the end of the school year rapidly approaching, grades already finalized, and a week left of trying to keep the mayhem to a minimum so my students dont tear the place apart, i thought i would give it a try. this week ive asked my students to try to create their own memoirs, in six words. i found a bunch of cool youtube videos that other schools put together, and i have all three books by smith magazine. i actually found a bunch more online as well. i have some of my favorites hanging in my room. the kids are really enjoying it and truly thinking about it. its not as easy as it sounds to sum your entire life up into just six words. not five. not seven. for me, thats the hardest part. what, my long-winded self isnt having trouble keeping it below 500 words? well, obviously i am. but once i got it down there, it seems like everything i wrote was either five or seven words. never six. im still struggling. stay tuned! and also, if you so feel the urge, try it. i cant wait to see what some of my kids come up with. obviously, ill post when theyre done. just cross your fingers that theyre better than jazzmyn's "i hate language arts and you." attempt. not exactly what i was hoping for. . .

double double...

...issues bubble, i am in A LOT of trouble.  i know, thats not the real poem. but clever, right? apologies for the double post. cant sleep, waiting for the glorious fog of oblivion to kick in (thanks cp). also, sorry for the cybil-esque nature of this post. it will absolutely refute all thoughts from the former. enjoy it while you can, because odds are, i will wake up lucid and delete immediately. 

the real reason i wrote today was this. in the middle of todays conversation with a friend, he mentioned something in passing, totally nonchalant, that made my stomach drop clear to my knees. it wasnt a statement meant to send shock waves, or probably even meant to halt the conversation in any way. but it stopped me dead in my tracks. in actuality, he had just complimented me on my recent zen-like state. i attributed it to the fact that, as of the new year, immediately after quite a breakdown, i decided to let it be. it doesnt always work and im not always so free. but im trying. and as someone who has known me pretty well for a long time, he has seen me wound quite tightly. so this "new" me is still somewhat of a shocker to him. face it, it is to most people who know me. and i cant put my finger on why, or explain what caused this change. it just is. in the midst of this talk, i made a joke about this calm not lasting through the storm of the summer. and he made a joke about a situation i might find myself in, come end of summer, that would put me over the edge. it was meant to get a laugh out of me. and it should have. but instead, i found myself feeling like i had gotten the wind knocked out of me by a linebacker. which is the exact opposite response of a person who is not emotionally invested in a situation.

i tried to touch upon what was bothering me. and i found myself way off topic. probably on purpose. i know i dont have a monstrous following of loyal fans that read my blog. but what i have might be worse in this particular situation. i have loyal friends. who probably already know the facts im about to lay out. at least they think they do. but its much harder to admit. and i wonder and worry what theyll think. so heres to hoping they will chalk it up to the fact that im only human. and at least im honest. 

i find myself at the beginning of what could be a very carefree summer. i am not tied down to anyone or anything. at this point last year, i was hanging on to the very loose threads of a longterm relationship. i was not thinking of how relaxing and fun my summer would be. i was counting the exact amount of no shower happy hours i would miss by being away from the beach. i was searching the web daily for a job, any job, that would pay my rent. once found, i was spending my days scouring websites and libraries and bookstores for any and everything to prepare me to teach an entire year of seventh grade. i had kids (to babysit) and pets (to feed) and a general tied down feeling. long story short, summer was not summer. it was just like stupid winter without snow. on the brink of a polar opposite version of summer, i find myself wanting to stand in my stairwell and shake myself silly like the girl in love actually. this is it. living feet from the beach, with a freezer full of love [aka vodka] and my best friends as roomies. the world at my fingertips. i cannot screw this up now.

i actually care. im not supposed to. i dont want to. but i do. i hate that i do. i hate that stupid ass f made my thoughts a jumble today. i hate that im obsessing right now and cant sleep even though i posted an intellectual blog earlier which should clear all thoughts. and i mostly hate that i cant figure out what i hate the most about this situation. its not an easy fix. and its not something that will go away either. so i can kick my own self in the face about my self-help choice blog from earlier. im making choices. that are probably not the right ones. and apparently are affecting me more than i thought. if i continue to make the same choice, am i the accomplice? am i the one who is letting it happen, over and over? who has already okay'ed the poor behavior so that it is a clear path to future indiscretions? of course the answer to all of those questions is yes. but youre not supposed to be nodding at this point. no agreement, my friends.  i know its true. but i would appreciate a little trip to the no judgement zone from you. thanks. in the midst of this rave, i spoke with my good friend a. and she, of the glow in the dark silly bands and words of wisdom, let me know that, duh. these are things she already knew. as i predicted. such a mask of disguised emotions i am. im like a vault, i swear. which led me even further to believe that i need to make better choices. ones that i can sleep with. because apparently these are not allowing that same freedom. and, as always, she left me with advice to live by. and im going to borrow it. because its perfect. this man hits the nail on the head. especially for our summer. so here it is. from the mouth of bartender russell, "you need to be a little more sluttier. and when you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say 'today is the day for a new penis.' "

to thine own self be true

in a healthy relationship, there are always two people. they are committed to one another and often consider that person to be one of their best friends. they do not stray. they do not purposely hurt one another. they enjoy a healthy amount of time both together and apart, but are usually on the other's mind. although it is not a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, they take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.

i am no relationship expert. but ive been there. and ive had that. however, ive also had this. . .

in many relationships, there are always two central people. they say they are committed to one another, but their words and actions show otherwise. they call that person their best friend, but hurt them in ways youd expect from an archenemy. they stray. they purposely hurt one another. they enjoy either an unhealthy amount of time together, due to trust issues, or an unhealthy amount of time apart, due to the possibility that they just may not enjoy one anothers company. they are not on the others mind as much as they should be. it is a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, followed by the direct opposite action. they do not take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.

cynical? maybe. but also true. am i the innocent party here? not always. i have lied. i have cheated. i have purposely done things to hurt another person, or often to "hurt them back" worse. i have done things selfishly without contemplating the consequences of my actions. i have chosen to spend my time unwisely in the face of my relationship. i have held things in when i should have shared them, and opened my mouth when biting my tongue would be more appropriate. i know that i am not always the victim. i have had relationships that started out like the first scenario and ended up like the second. and vice versa. and i know that no matter what, i have played an active role in that change. for better or for worse.

what is bringing this rant on, considering im not currently in a relationship? a discussion with a friend about the appropriateness of a certain situation got me quite fired up. yes, i am right smack in the middle of said situation. and ive willingly put myself there. however, so has everyone else involved. i felt the need to defend myself and started to wonder why. it got me thinking about relationships. and then about choices. which led me to all this. if two people are in a relationship, its because thats what they chose. its what they chose? dont you mean something else? no, unfortunately. i want to say its because they are in love, care about the other person, and genuinely want to be together. and often, thats the case. but not always. sometimes its more about a choice. because, and i am including personal experience here, sometimes people choose to stay. even when theyre not happy, and they dont care, and theyre not in love. so with all these choices being made, it sometimes happens that not everyone ends up on the same page. what you choose may not coincide with the choices being made around you. and what you choose may be based on different factors than other parties involved. and what you choose may be merely due to habit, convenience, or responsibility; not to emotions and needs.

and what happens when those choices dont match up? well then youre playing the wrong game of memory, i guess. all i know is that if you make the choice to stay with someone, knowing full well who they are and what theyre about, then arent you just as much at fault? if you let these situations happen, arent you really just an accomplice? it seems like a reasonable concept to me. the same applies to my students. if "just this once" i let them chew gum in class, i spend the next three weeks scraping it off the bottoms of my desks. if "please i promise its only this one time" a student gets to use the bathroom with a handwritten pass, they wont ever bother to bring their agenda book to class. if "but mrs. so-and-so let me" hand in homework late, i spend the entire marking period changing grades and making exceptions. off the clock! point being, if you let it slide once, it will most definitely happen again. and again and again. and the worst part is, its your fault. because you have opened the door to that type of behavior being okay. i think what baffles me the most, is that its really that simple for a hundred seventh graders to see, but not a handful of grown men and women? am i included in this handful? but of course! this is not just a rant about others, its a personal peptalk.

so why do we make these choices? maybe its because of a false sense of security about not being alone. i count myself among the many who have found themselves, at one point or another, saying id rather be with someone than be alone. while its not perfect or even very good. im guilty of staying in a relationship for too long, when it wasnt working, because it was all i had known for a very long time and i was scared to be on my own. maybe its because of the memory of happy times. again, im guilty of having said "we were happy once, we will be again" on numerous occasions. its almost as though you cling to the memory of that bliss in hopes that it will return. we all know it wont, but we cant help it. maybe its because of the bandwagon approach. everyones in a relationship. everyones getting engaged. everyones jumping off a bridge too, care to join? i find myself thinking that everyone in the world is in a relationship but me. those are the times i need a good slap. maybe its because youve believed you could change him for so long, it gets hard to deny. this is probably where im weakest. in practically every relationship ive had, ive tried to change him in some way. ive believed that i would be the one who would turn the cons into pros. it could be because he gave me that impression. could be that it was all in my head. but once you start to think theres hope, its hard to make it go away. so it doesnt surprise me that this is where im stuck again. and although its none of my concern, i think she feels the same way.

im trying not to think of the choices of others. only my own. bill rago said it best in renaissance man, "all i know is, the choices you make dictate the life you lead. to thine own self be true." its all about making a choice and standing by it. about not making excuses for yourself or anyone else. i dont know about the rest of you, but i must have been skipped over when the "make other people do what you want them to" super power was given out. i have to resign myself, as do we all, to the concept that i can only make my own choices. you can persuade and argue, but no matter what you do, you cant control someone else. and that sort of brings me back full circle. a relationship shouldnt be about control. it should be about making a choice for the right reason. i just need to figure out what that reason is.