wow. quarter century. do i feel old and wise? no not really. but i have been learning. and growing. and although im not quite where i want to be, i am making progress toward getting there. and i know ill be there someday soon. until then, im satisfied with the life i have and the truly irreplaceable people in it. i feel lucky and blessed everyday. but its been a rough couple months. and this weekend was a beautiful reminder of all that i have. among the gifts better than anything from a store - coworkers who truly care about me and make an effort every day to make my job better. friends who would do almost anything to spend my day with me, weather and travel aside. family who remembers the little things, like my love of apple pie and ivory scarves, and makes sure those little things make an appearance in my life. even acquaintances who took a minute or two out of their day to make mine a little brighter. i lost track of the number of times i have smiled since friday.
last year was tumultuous. i got my first "big girl" job. and failed for a pretty long time before i got it right. i finally feel like im catching up. im very confident in what im doing and i feel as though ive found my place in seventh grade (and i must say, seventh grade is a lot less awkward the second time around. ha). i lived with my boyfriend for the first time. or should i say, tried. and it didnt work. which brings me to where i am now. and theres a reason for everything. i moved back home. all of us living in one house for the first time in six years. yikes. its been interesting to say the least. i grew closer with friends. and reconnected with old friends. and lost touch with a few friends as well. i ended a four year relationship, probably the most difficult transition. it was all i knew for so many years. its very hard starting over, especially when you werent even sure that was what you wanted. all in all, 2009 was a very mixed up year. im hoping for more comfort and security in 2010. maybe it will come, and maybe it wont. but i do feel like im getting closer to who i want to be. and where.
so this is a big birthday for me. although its just a day, like any other day, it made me very thankful. i enjoyed a great weekend, filled with amazing friends and family, great food, fun drinks, lots of laughs and obviously dancing! and i may be a little bit in limbo. but for the first time, it feels really good. im enjoying just living life and having fun. who says just because im a quarter century i have to be all grown up and shit? i have the rest of my life for that! my birthday was just a pleasant reminder of all the wonderful things in my life. and how maybe its not perfect, but that im really happy with the way it is right now. and it made me look forward to all that comes with being 25. ah!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
love the one youre with
ah the winter rut. i feel like, single or committed, busy or idle, elated or depressed, winter is sucky for all. at first, its fine. oh how beautiful, snow! wow look at all the pretty decorations! awesome, its time to pull out that slouchy sweater i practially sleep in. but then, it hits. its just too long til the sun and the sand. the weather will not cooperate with my wardrobe. i feel frumpy and lonely and just plain annoyed. and everywhere i turn, the romans are screwing with me. their stupid calender with their dumb holidays about love and togetherness. really? you had to clump them all together into the coldest, most miserable months of the year? its not bad enough? thanksgiving, ok. family, brotherhood, lots of fabulous food. obviously, im down with a holiday dedicated entirely to eating. then you snap your fingers and christmas is lurking. more love, more sap, more blah. those silly little romans make you think its all over, then bam, valentines day. woof. ive already dedicated my life (and liver) to the cause. let the blackout commence. as it stands, all the single ladies [you know you wana sing it] are planning a weekend chock full of unromantic things. mostly drinking. and hopefully canoodling with strangers.
so in the midst of my somewhat depressing state, ive decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. although i have sad moments, mostly while watching the bazillions of commercials for engagement rings and proposals, i am mostly enjoying the shit out of my life. maybe even a bit too much? which brings me to my point. yes, there actually is one.
stephen stills said it best: if you cant be with the one you love, love the one youre with. amen. this rings true, especially if the one you love is not worthy of said love. and never was. and most likely, never will be. where do they do personality transplants again? ok great. ill send him to mars. but enough about him. there are those you "think" you love. because you should. and you sometimes confuse the comfort of security with love. but theres really no love for him. and there are those you have loved before, and feel like you still do. but only in lonely moments. the rest of the time, youre just sighing with relief at the fact that youll never again have to ask him to empty to dishwasher. the same dishwasher you loaded. at six am before you left for work. with all of his dirty dishes. that were in the sink right next to it. grrrr. see what i mean? loved him, but thats in the past. which brings us to the one youre with. hes the one i like. the one who went to the trouble of making an actual dinner reservation for a date, instead of picking you up with the question "so what do you wana eat?" the one who texts you the morning after the bar, saying it was really great to meet you and was very serious when he said hed like to take you out. and soon. the one who knows youre drinking something not available at the moment, and goes to the trouble of ordering it for you. the one who listens when you speak and remembers the things you say. the one who says little things, like that you have a beautiful smile or that you make him laugh. the one who appreciates what you do for a living and is curious about your lifestyle. that guy. in the past few months of my life, there have been guys. ranging from the completely uninterested in anything but themselves to the stage five clingers unable to take a hint. and somewhere in between, the last few weeks have been full of the one youre with. and im loving it.
so in the midst of my somewhat depressing state, ive decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. although i have sad moments, mostly while watching the bazillions of commercials for engagement rings and proposals, i am mostly enjoying the shit out of my life. maybe even a bit too much? which brings me to my point. yes, there actually is one.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
tales from the hood
monday to friday, my life revolves around approximately a hundred seventh graders. these are not just any teenagers. they are very... unique? i guess theyre pretty normal. but before i started working there, i can honestly say ive never met anyone like them. and the things they say, blow me away. i couldnt make this shit up if i tried. in order to make myself chuckle on tougher days, i started to write them down. and then i started to share them. and now, here we are. god forbid my journal gets burned in a fire, i cant bear the idea that these words will forever be lost. and so until i write my tell-all book and become even more famous than esme (raji-codell, for those of you who have never read her amazing books about life as a teacher), theyll be in blogworld ha. heres to the good times in room 206:
it all started last year, on 4/20. which apparently had sentimental meaning to marlon. his journal entry read simply, "4/20 HOLLA. IM A YOUNG MONEY MILLIONAIRE." um what? are you high? ok, thats just a pointless question.
many more good times took place with my first "official" class. like the time rayanha told me i was the HBIC (thats head bitch in charge). or when they named our class pets, the random mice that took up homestead in my classroom. logically, the smaller faster one was named edward cullen "because everyone knows vampires are fast" and his fatter brother, weezy f. baby due to "his bad ass swagger when he crawls across the room". another personal favorite took place when, nineteen minutes into the school day, phillup jammed three of my fingers in a desk. on the day of finals. when i had to hand-grade a hundred tests. fml. or when shawn dropped a stack of textbooks on the same hand three days later. double fml. i miss last years class every day. they made my first year incredible.
without fail, this year started off with a bang. when i told my homeroom the rules on the first day, jahmeer wasted no time, standing up to shout "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" ah so good to be back. a couple days later in study hall, someones cell phone went off. the ringer was dmx - stop bein greedy. it took me a good five minutes to get the boys in my homeroom to stop barking. vocabulary words were also an issue for my new crew of children. discussing the word bungalow (which btw we had been talking about all week/reading in our story), brahin tried to convince me that it was a club. my confusion only convinced him to further his argument, "you crazy, miss l. ask jayz." if you dont get this one, google bungalow8, a popular hangout for rappers that is featured in many of their songs. i rounded out september with this gem...
me: you owe me 9 assignments. thats ridiculous.
brannedon: gimme a break miss l, im not gona be the next chris brown doin grammar.
me: but you are gona get grounded. im calling your mother.
brannedon: ill dedicate my first single to you if you dont.
[flashes me the first of many shit-eating grins]
this was only the first month? oh boy, was i in for it. times got tougher, kids got rougher, my patience got thinner, standardized test scores got stagnant. there were times in the first half of this year that i wanted to quit. to just walk out and try something else. there were many points when these moments, few and far between, kept me from "throwing in the towel" if you will....
me: what is wrong with you all today?
clarence we dont feel good.
me: we? you ALL dont feel good?
clarence (straight face): weve got a PHEVER.
[my entire third block class takes the RALLY TOWELS out of their desks and starts waving them over their heads. obviously i joined in.]
they knew i was at the game (a very important one) the night before. and they knew id like their little display of phillies pride. can anything top that feeling? probably not. but the laughs i got from the time que'shon asked "how long have you had your weave in because yo hair is craaazy" comes close. when she tried to save it by telling me "its sassy. you look just like beyonce in the single ladies video" i almost keeled over. then i realized we were laughing at my lions mane of hair, and made the mature decision to pull it back. i often get myself in trouble when i try to make references to the outside world. case in point, who doesnt know the song from annie, youre never fully dressed without a smile? apparently jeremy. his impeccable timing and wit, combined with my principal's perfect entrance, left us all with the question "youre sayin i can come to school wit no pants on? ahh shit." often, my students from last year "school" my newbies. morning entrance duty was extra interesting one morning...
marlon: she aint married. its MISS luciano.
rakwon: well she about to MRS. davis.
[this is where i pop up behind them after overhearing the whole thing]
me: excuse me gentlement. i hope youre referring to your single dad. i dont date teenagers.
rakwon: that aint even right. you way to fly for my dad!
in my district, kids come and go. lots of moving around, change of custody, eviction, and various other hardships. keeping that in mind, i try to put on a happy face and find out a little bit about my new friends. i expected the usual story from cj. moved in with my grandma, taking the bus from philly, my cousin lives here yadda yadda. not this time! when i asked if he moved, cj told me "nah i just broke some girls jaw." fabulous, welcome to my homeroom.
happy new year! the fun keeps coming... i have to give tahj credit for making a literature-to-real world connection. but apparently my class is like the real world version of the greek mythology underworld and i am hades. not even persephone? "in your dreams." awesome. many of the kids are obsessed with random facts about my life. jersey comes up alot. especially thanks to mtv. i try to let it roll off my back. when brahin told me "yall are crazy" and asked about MY jersey shore nickname, i told him i had one. and they asked me to be on the show. but i decided to teach instead. that went over real big in the seventh grade rumor mill.
ill leave you with the final, and i think darndest installation yet...
[im driving away from school when i see tahree, a 2nd grader, throwing his paper money from math class all over the street. i pull over. fun ensues.]
me: tahree, what do you think youre doing?
tahree: oh hey, miss l! im just makin it rain.
me: how lovely. but youre also littering.
tahree: rain is NOT litter, its "participation." geez dont you know anything?
me: man, i guess not! good thing i dont teach science!
tahree: or math neither.
[then he gives me the peace sign and skips away]
how freaking adorable? and maybe thats just cute in my warped idea of whats normal. but thats my world. and though i may complain, i really do love it. more seventh grade fun to come before the year is over. i can promise you that.
it all started last year, on 4/20. which apparently had sentimental meaning to marlon. his journal entry read simply, "4/20 HOLLA. IM A YOUNG MONEY MILLIONAIRE." um what? are you high? ok, thats just a pointless question.
many more good times took place with my first "official" class. like the time rayanha told me i was the HBIC (thats head bitch in charge). or when they named our class pets, the random mice that took up homestead in my classroom. logically, the smaller faster one was named edward cullen "because everyone knows vampires are fast" and his fatter brother, weezy f. baby due to "his bad ass swagger when he crawls across the room". another personal favorite took place when, nineteen minutes into the school day, phillup jammed three of my fingers in a desk. on the day of finals. when i had to hand-grade a hundred tests. fml. or when shawn dropped a stack of textbooks on the same hand three days later. double fml. i miss last years class every day. they made my first year incredible.
without fail, this year started off with a bang. when i told my homeroom the rules on the first day, jahmeer wasted no time, standing up to shout "THIS IS BULLSHIT!" ah so good to be back. a couple days later in study hall, someones cell phone went off. the ringer was dmx - stop bein greedy. it took me a good five minutes to get the boys in my homeroom to stop barking. vocabulary words were also an issue for my new crew of children. discussing the word bungalow (which btw we had been talking about all week/reading in our story), brahin tried to convince me that it was a club. my confusion only convinced him to further his argument, "you crazy, miss l. ask jayz." if you dont get this one, google bungalow8, a popular hangout for rappers that is featured in many of their songs. i rounded out september with this gem...
me: you owe me 9 assignments. thats ridiculous.
brannedon: gimme a break miss l, im not gona be the next chris brown doin grammar.
me: but you are gona get grounded. im calling your mother.
brannedon: ill dedicate my first single to you if you dont.
[flashes me the first of many shit-eating grins]
this was only the first month? oh boy, was i in for it. times got tougher, kids got rougher, my patience got thinner, standardized test scores got stagnant. there were times in the first half of this year that i wanted to quit. to just walk out and try something else. there were many points when these moments, few and far between, kept me from "throwing in the towel" if you will....
me: what is wrong with you all today?
clarence we dont feel good.
me: we? you ALL dont feel good?
clarence (straight face): weve got a PHEVER.
[my entire third block class takes the RALLY TOWELS out of their desks and starts waving them over their heads. obviously i joined in.]
they knew i was at the game (a very important one) the night before. and they knew id like their little display of phillies pride. can anything top that feeling? probably not. but the laughs i got from the time que'shon asked "how long have you had your weave in because yo hair is craaazy" comes close. when she tried to save it by telling me "its sassy. you look just like beyonce in the single ladies video" i almost keeled over. then i realized we were laughing at my lions mane of hair, and made the mature decision to pull it back. i often get myself in trouble when i try to make references to the outside world. case in point, who doesnt know the song from annie, youre never fully dressed without a smile? apparently jeremy. his impeccable timing and wit, combined with my principal's perfect entrance, left us all with the question "youre sayin i can come to school wit no pants on? ahh shit." often, my students from last year "school" my newbies. morning entrance duty was extra interesting one morning...
marlon: she aint married. its MISS luciano.
rakwon: well she about to MRS. davis.
[this is where i pop up behind them after overhearing the whole thing]
me: excuse me gentlement. i hope youre referring to your single dad. i dont date teenagers.
rakwon: that aint even right. you way to fly for my dad!
in my district, kids come and go. lots of moving around, change of custody, eviction, and various other hardships. keeping that in mind, i try to put on a happy face and find out a little bit about my new friends. i expected the usual story from cj. moved in with my grandma, taking the bus from philly, my cousin lives here yadda yadda. not this time! when i asked if he moved, cj told me "nah i just broke some girls jaw." fabulous, welcome to my homeroom.
happy new year! the fun keeps coming... i have to give tahj credit for making a literature-to-real world connection. but apparently my class is like the real world version of the greek mythology underworld and i am hades. not even persephone? "in your dreams." awesome. many of the kids are obsessed with random facts about my life. jersey comes up alot. especially thanks to mtv. i try to let it roll off my back. when brahin told me "yall are crazy" and asked about MY jersey shore nickname, i told him i had one. and they asked me to be on the show. but i decided to teach instead. that went over real big in the seventh grade rumor mill.
ill leave you with the final, and i think darndest installation yet...
[im driving away from school when i see tahree, a 2nd grader, throwing his paper money from math class all over the street. i pull over. fun ensues.]
me: tahree, what do you think youre doing?
tahree: oh hey, miss l! im just makin it rain.
me: how lovely. but youre also littering.
tahree: rain is NOT litter, its "participation." geez dont you know anything?
me: man, i guess not! good thing i dont teach science!
tahree: or math neither.
[then he gives me the peace sign and skips away]
how freaking adorable? and maybe thats just cute in my warped idea of whats normal. but thats my world. and though i may complain, i really do love it. more seventh grade fun to come before the year is over. i can promise you that.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
sunday, bloody sunday
in other exciting news, pitchers and catchers report in 31 days. which meansss, its almost time for the phils. so although i am extremely sad that my ravens are finito for this season, i will soon be able to focus on my other loves. anyone up for opening day? always a good time.
and, dun dun dun. . . whos personal day for the friday before memorial day was approved? THIS GIRL. since countdowns are all the rage, heres my current favorite: 131 days to a sunny and sandy, super sloppy, spectacularly silly, sometimes scandalous summer of sea isle dreams. bring it on, baby.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
miss whoever-you-are
paul varjak: holly, im in love with you.
holly golightly: so what.
paul: so what? so plenty! i love you, you belong to me!
holly: no. people dont belong to people.
paul: of course they do!
holly: nobodys going to put me in a cage.
paul: i want to love you.
holly: its the same thing.
paul: no its not! you know whats wrong with you, miss whoever-you-are? youre chicken. youve got no guts. youre afraid to stick out your chin and say, "okay, lifes a fact. people do fall in love. people do belong to each other because thats the only chance anybodys got for real happiness." you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and youre terrified somebodys gonna stick you in a cage. well baby, youre already in that cage. you built it yourself. and its not bounded in the west by tulip, texas, or in the east by somali-land. its wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. here. ive been carrying this thing around for months. i dont want it anymore.
ugh. if i were to give myself some advice, i would tell me to get over myself. and thats that.
holly golightly: so what.
paul: so what? so plenty! i love you, you belong to me!
holly: no. people dont belong to people.
paul: of course they do!
holly: nobodys going to put me in a cage.
paul: i want to love you.
holly: its the same thing.
paul: no its not! you know whats wrong with you, miss whoever-you-are? youre chicken. youve got no guts. youre afraid to stick out your chin and say, "okay, lifes a fact. people do fall in love. people do belong to each other because thats the only chance anybodys got for real happiness." you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and youre terrified somebodys gonna stick you in a cage. well baby, youre already in that cage. you built it yourself. and its not bounded in the west by tulip, texas, or in the east by somali-land. its wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. here. ive been carrying this thing around for months. i dont want it anymore.
ugh. if i were to give myself some advice, i would tell me to get over myself. and thats that.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
all the mamas who profit dollas
there are many people in my life who are extremely easy to read. i can tell when my sister thinks i look homeless in the outfit ive chosen for school. i can tell when my mom thinks i should probably not eat another helping of mashed potatoes. i can tell when my dad is disappointed that im going out on a school night. i can tell when my best friend is annoyed with my whining. i can tell when certain guys are feeding me total bullshit, thinking im eating it up. i can tell when my grandparents are extremely proud of me. i can tell when my kids think im funny, or even the slightest bit cool. maybe its because i know them so well. im sure they can read me just as easily. im not too terrific at hiding how i feel or what i think.
but i often wonder what goes through the minds of a certain few individuals. i struggle to figure it out, no matter how many times i try. one individual in particular has had me stumped for many years. one would think, in order to spend this much time hemming and hawing over a situation that isn't, there needs to be some emotional involvement. but when all signs point to the contrary, whats a girl to do? for the probably bazillionth time, im at the end of my rope. im throwing in the towel. im cashing in my chips. im sticking a fork in it. im at the eleventh hour. im... the worlds most corny person for knowing all of those cliches for being dunzo. IM OVER IT. why is it so easy to say but not do?
i pride myself on being a strong, independent woman. ok, maybe not quite independent like the destinys child song, strutting around, waving my hand, yapping about how i dont need nooobody, sister. but independent in the sense that i am completely comfortable with my thoughts. or a long hot bath. or a great book. or the sound of my ipod. or the feel of a beach breeze. i dont need to be around people constantly. trust me, when you listen to 113 seventh graders nonstop for six hours a day, that long car ride home is a blessing. sometimes i drive in complete silence and listen to myself breathe. just because i can hear it. i can be alone. if my relationship with d has taught me anything, its just that. there were more periods of time than id like to remember that i was left to myself. throughout the course of that four years, there were breakups and makeups and fights and lengthy periods of the silent treatment. im ok with being independent. i can do it. this last six months has really brought that home to me. i can do this. what i dont like about this newfound independence, is the uncertainty. because while i say i am strong and i am independent, i dont feel it. i dont believe it. dont get me wrong, i am enjoying myself to the full extent of my singledom. i am truly living the dream. i am spending way more time with family and friends than i have in the recent past. i have the time and energy to work smarter, not just harder. i am doing more things for me, because i want to, not because someone else does. i truly am happier. i know its the right decision.
but im not 100% confident in myself. there are still the little "lingerers" - those feelings i cant shake. although i am moving on and making progress in my love life that isnt, im timid. i doubt myself. can i partake in a successful relationship? do i even want to? or do i just want to know that, when the time comes and im ready, it will be something that works? am i looking for the wrong things? am i even looking? am i purposely choosing situations that prevent me from looking? im working through it day by day, but with the drama of 2010, im struggling. i am currently in the midst of juggling quite a few situations im not prepared to handle. the situation is... im overwhelmed with situations. and i just dont have a damn bit of a clue what to do about them. im extremely flattered to be stuck in this mess. and im trying to just enjoy the ride. if only a certain someone (or two) would hop off the rollercoaster. id much appreciate that.
but i often wonder what goes through the minds of a certain few individuals. i struggle to figure it out, no matter how many times i try. one individual in particular has had me stumped for many years. one would think, in order to spend this much time hemming and hawing over a situation that isn't, there needs to be some emotional involvement. but when all signs point to the contrary, whats a girl to do? for the probably bazillionth time, im at the end of my rope. im throwing in the towel. im cashing in my chips. im sticking a fork in it. im at the eleventh hour. im... the worlds most corny person for knowing all of those cliches for being dunzo. IM OVER IT. why is it so easy to say but not do?
i pride myself on being a strong, independent woman. ok, maybe not quite independent like the destinys child song, strutting around, waving my hand, yapping about how i dont need nooobody, sister. but independent in the sense that i am completely comfortable with my thoughts. or a long hot bath. or a great book. or the sound of my ipod. or the feel of a beach breeze. i dont need to be around people constantly. trust me, when you listen to 113 seventh graders nonstop for six hours a day, that long car ride home is a blessing. sometimes i drive in complete silence and listen to myself breathe. just because i can hear it. i can be alone. if my relationship with d has taught me anything, its just that. there were more periods of time than id like to remember that i was left to myself. throughout the course of that four years, there were breakups and makeups and fights and lengthy periods of the silent treatment. im ok with being independent. i can do it. this last six months has really brought that home to me. i can do this. what i dont like about this newfound independence, is the uncertainty. because while i say i am strong and i am independent, i dont feel it. i dont believe it. dont get me wrong, i am enjoying myself to the full extent of my singledom. i am truly living the dream. i am spending way more time with family and friends than i have in the recent past. i have the time and energy to work smarter, not just harder. i am doing more things for me, because i want to, not because someone else does. i truly am happier. i know its the right decision.
but im not 100% confident in myself. there are still the little "lingerers" - those feelings i cant shake. although i am moving on and making progress in my love life that isnt, im timid. i doubt myself. can i partake in a successful relationship? do i even want to? or do i just want to know that, when the time comes and im ready, it will be something that works? am i looking for the wrong things? am i even looking? am i purposely choosing situations that prevent me from looking? im working through it day by day, but with the drama of 2010, im struggling. i am currently in the midst of juggling quite a few situations im not prepared to handle. the situation is... im overwhelmed with situations. and i just dont have a damn bit of a clue what to do about them. im extremely flattered to be stuck in this mess. and im trying to just enjoy the ride. if only a certain someone (or two) would hop off the rollercoaster. id much appreciate that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
well, hello 2010.
it is the eleventh of january. how has 2010 been so eventful? my good friend a mentioned today, that with a sheer eleven days into the new year, we have already caused quite a stir. 2010 is starting off with a bang. and im not quite sure im ready. so far the new year has brought the following:
1. a fist fight, complete with what is now referred to as the "snooki shove."
2. summer roomie canoodling - in some cases, laughable and sure to bring some interesting times. in other cases, possibly on the cusp of a love affair (haha a)
3. mucho booze, often leading to extreme singing and dancing.
4. rumors, dealing with juuust about everything.
5. the song tiktok [which, by the way q102, is totally inappropriate during a 7am car ride] played on repeat until i hear it in my sleep.
6. dates. and future dates. and stories from dates. and worries about dates.
7. quotes, phrases and fun facts from the last eleven days (many of which come from the ever-popular jersey shore. fist pumpin like champs!)
8. countdowns for everything from "why isnt it friday yet" to "summerOHten"
9. a glimpse into the world of a few of the many men that will grace our lives in 2010
10. and of course, those people/places/things you wish you could have left in 2009...
so while many are making resolutions, i am trying to wrap my head around the first eleven days of 2010. should i make resolutions? probably. is my head straight enough right now to make any logical sense? no. i understand just as much as the next person, if not more, that there are changes i need to make in my life this year. if you stop growing and becoming a better you, you give up. so while i know that there are things i should "resolve" to work on, i cannot function right now. if you know me at all, you know that there is a crystal clear, larger than life, resolution i should make. but you also know that id be lying to myself and you if i were to preach about that right now. i cant make that promise, that resolution. i cant wash my hands of that situation. not yet anyway. when im ready, ill be shouting it from the rooftops. im taking the positive steps in the right direction. today, at least! but no one is perfect. and i know that 2010 will be a year full of lessons learned. and hopefully lots of fun along the way :)
2. summer roomie canoodling - in some cases, laughable and sure to bring some interesting times. in other cases, possibly on the cusp of a love affair (haha a)
3. mucho booze, often leading to extreme singing and dancing.
4. rumors, dealing with juuust about everything.
5. the song tiktok [which, by the way q102, is totally inappropriate during a 7am car ride] played on repeat until i hear it in my sleep.
6. dates. and future dates. and stories from dates. and worries about dates.
7. quotes, phrases and fun facts from the last eleven days (many of which come from the ever-popular jersey shore. fist pumpin like champs!)
8. countdowns for everything from "why isnt it friday yet" to "summerOHten"
9. a glimpse into the world of a few of the many men that will grace our lives in 2010
10. and of course, those people/places/things you wish you could have left in 2009...
so while many are making resolutions, i am trying to wrap my head around the first eleven days of 2010. should i make resolutions? probably. is my head straight enough right now to make any logical sense? no. i understand just as much as the next person, if not more, that there are changes i need to make in my life this year. if you stop growing and becoming a better you, you give up. so while i know that there are things i should "resolve" to work on, i cannot function right now. if you know me at all, you know that there is a crystal clear, larger than life, resolution i should make. but you also know that id be lying to myself and you if i were to preach about that right now. i cant make that promise, that resolution. i cant wash my hands of that situation. not yet anyway. when im ready, ill be shouting it from the rooftops. im taking the positive steps in the right direction. today, at least! but no one is perfect. and i know that 2010 will be a year full of lessons learned. and hopefully lots of fun along the way :)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
the wonderful world of walt
walt whitman and i are soulmates. since hes been dead for, oh 120years now, i doubt he knows this. but its true. so you can imagine my horror, when introducing him to my students a couple weeks ago as one of my "top5 super guys" [the other four being: ernest hemingway, edgar allan poe, f. scott fitzgerald, and my dad. obvi.] this was the response i got:
what, like the bridge?
ah the agony. so after delicately tiptoeing around the pieces of my shattered heart, i explained to my students that yes, like the bridge, i was going to open their worlds up to new and exciting places. (at which point there was obviously a derogatory comment about how taking a bridge to new jersey was neither new or exciting. eh what do they know?) after a little chitchat, i think i had my students understanding the importance of having a bridge named after you. heck, youve gotta be pretty important. but it wasnt until i handed out this poem and we tore it into little tiny pieces and put them back together again, did they truly understand my love of walt. and im pretty sure they love him too. in homage to the man who makes me think and wish and hope and dig deeper into myself than any living man i know, here is one of my favs:
i hear america singing [by walt whitman]
'i hear america singing, the varied carols i hear,
those of mechanics, each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong,
the carpenter singing his as he measures his plank or beam,
the mason singing his as he makes ready for work, or leaves off work,
the boatman singing what belongs to him in his boat,
the deckhand singing on the steamboat deck,
the shoemaker singing as he sits on his bench,
the hatter singing as he stands,
the wood-cutter's song,
the ploughboy's on his way in the morning, or at noon intermission or at sundown,
the delicious singing of the mother, or of the young wife at work,
or of the girl sewing or washing,
each singing what belongs to him or her and to none else,
the day what belongs to the day--at night the party of young fellows, robust, friendly,
singing with open mouths their strong melodious songs.'
oh could you not swoon. i really dont want to go into detail about what this poem means to me. i hate when other people do it to me. and i wont do it to you. a poem is all about how you see it, and what you feel, and what you think. not about what you overheard someone else saying. its not one of those wacky poems where you have to analyze for hours, and relate, and make connections, and decipher symbolism. it just is. and i love it. so thank you, walt.
what, like the bridge?
ah the agony. so after delicately tiptoeing around the pieces of my shattered heart, i explained to my students that yes, like the bridge, i was going to open their worlds up to new and exciting places. (at which point there was obviously a derogatory comment about how taking a bridge to new jersey was neither new or exciting. eh what do they know?) after a little chitchat, i think i had my students understanding the importance of having a bridge named after you. heck, youve gotta be pretty important. but it wasnt until i handed out this poem and we tore it into little tiny pieces and put them back together again, did they truly understand my love of walt. and im pretty sure they love him too. in homage to the man who makes me think and wish and hope and dig deeper into myself than any living man i know, here is one of my favs:
i hear america singing [by walt whitman]
'i hear america singing, the varied carols i hear,
those of mechanics, each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong,
the carpenter singing his as he measures his plank or beam,
the mason singing his as he makes ready for work, or leaves off work,
the boatman singing what belongs to him in his boat,
the deckhand singing on the steamboat deck,
the shoemaker singing as he sits on his bench,
the hatter singing as he stands,
the wood-cutter's song,
the ploughboy's on his way in the morning, or at noon intermission or at sundown,
the delicious singing of the mother, or of the young wife at work,
or of the girl sewing or washing,
each singing what belongs to him or her and to none else,
the day what belongs to the day--at night the party of young fellows, robust, friendly,
singing with open mouths their strong melodious songs.'
oh could you not swoon. i really dont want to go into detail about what this poem means to me. i hate when other people do it to me. and i wont do it to you. a poem is all about how you see it, and what you feel, and what you think. not about what you overheard someone else saying. its not one of those wacky poems where you have to analyze for hours, and relate, and make connections, and decipher symbolism. it just is. and i love it. so thank you, walt.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
its not that [simple]
i was going to preface this with some words of wisdom. but honestly, i dont have any. everything has been said. a million times. and nothing changes. and at this point, im exhausted. physically, emotionally, mentally. i need a solution. it isnt here. its never been here. and until i find one, i really cant waste anymore words. so im borrowing someone elses:
allie: you smug bastard. i hate you for saying that.
noah: youre bored. youre bored and you know it. you wouldnt be here if there wasnt something missing.
allie: you arrogant son of a bitch.
noah: would you just stay with me?
allie: stay with you? what for? look at us, were already fighting.
noah: well thats what we do. we fight. you tell me when im being an arrogant son of a bitch and i tell you when youre a pain in the ass. which you are, 99% of the time. im not afraid to hurt your feelings. you have like a two second rebound rate, then youre back doing the next pain in the ass thing.
allie: so what?
noah: so its not gona be easy. its gona be really hard. were gona have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. i want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. will you do something for me please? just picture your life for me? thirty years from now, forty years from now? whats it look like? if its with him, go. go! i lost you once, i think i can do it again. if i thought thats what you really wanted. but dont you take the easy way out.
allie: what easy way. there is no easy way. no matter what i do, somebody gets hurt.
noah: would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? stop thinking about what i want, what he wants, what your parents want. what do you want?
allie: its not that simple. . .
allie: you smug bastard. i hate you for saying that.
noah: youre bored. youre bored and you know it. you wouldnt be here if there wasnt something missing.
allie: you arrogant son of a bitch.
noah: would you just stay with me?
allie: stay with you? what for? look at us, were already fighting.
noah: well thats what we do. we fight. you tell me when im being an arrogant son of a bitch and i tell you when youre a pain in the ass. which you are, 99% of the time. im not afraid to hurt your feelings. you have like a two second rebound rate, then youre back doing the next pain in the ass thing.
allie: so what?
noah: so its not gona be easy. its gona be really hard. were gona have to work at this everyday, but i want to do that because i want you. i want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. will you do something for me please? just picture your life for me? thirty years from now, forty years from now? whats it look like? if its with him, go. go! i lost you once, i think i can do it again. if i thought thats what you really wanted. but dont you take the easy way out.
allie: what easy way. there is no easy way. no matter what i do, somebody gets hurt.
noah: would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? stop thinking about what i want, what he wants, what your parents want. what do you want?
allie: its not that simple. . .
Saturday, January 2, 2010
saying Y E S to O M G
this is where things get tricky. omg girl doesnt necessarily regret what shes done. shes a free, single woman - in my scenario, for the first time in a long time. she is an adult making decisions based on what she wants instead of worrying more about what he wants - again, for the first time in a long time. theres nothing wrong with that. no, what omg girl regrets is the fact that she doesnt regret. confused? honestly, omg girl is probably fine. brush her shoulders off and let her get back to sunday. but so many things tell her she should feel bad. she should question her life. she should wonder omg what did i do? and so many more things tell her to ask omg what now? what happens next? omg omg omg. and thats where the panic of omg girl sets in. she feels guilty for something she shouldnt. she doesnt celebrate her freedom because of this feeling. she kind of moves on with her life but its still nagging there.
omg girl is no different than "why did i recycle" girl or "i think i left my clutch at the bar" girl or "i have mysterious bruises" girl or "never drinking jager again" girl. shes our friend. shes our sister. shes our exes new girlfriend. shes our cousin. shes our arch enemy. weve all been her. this is normalcy. the only people these girls have to explain themselves to are not worth the time it takes. i plan to get into some of my resolutions (or more so, hopes and ideas) for the new year. but for now, id like to say that i dont mind being omg girl. shes having fun. harmless fun. and as long as the good times outweigh the bad, omg girl can stay. i need to stop feeling as though i need to have a reason for everything. using one of the "most overused phrases of 2009" to go out with a bang - it is what it is. as long as im committed to enjoying myself and moving on from my breakup completely, i can be omg girl. and by the looks of this summer, i predict omg girl is here to stay.
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