pssa testing has got to be the most god awful week of school. the kids were stressed out, overtired, bored, and losing confidence in their skills by the minute. multiply that feeling by 107 and thats how i felt. i might as well have had my jaw wired shut and my ankles chained to my desk. because thats how helpless i was. "all the planning and preparation and repetition is over. now its time to see what they can do." god love ya shawn, but thats not exactly the pep talk i needed. i dont want to just see what they can do. i want to help and encourage and work with them until its right. and i cant. i feel like its asking almost the impossible of a teacher. my entire job revolves around staying involved in their education. and now im asked to just sit behind a desk in total silence for three hours a day, staring at the frustrated faces of my children? shaking my head no when they ask me to pronounce a word for them or edit their writing? students are given a little snack and bottle of water every morning. i dont need a snack. what might help, however, would be a daily xanax. just a thought for next year. so in my desperation at six days of this torture, i tried to force myself to write. i havent written in my journal, or blogged for that matter, since nc roadtrip. on the first day of testing, i sat staring into space for a good half hour wondering why. i havent been able to write or blog or even read a book. all things which normally come naturally to me. whats been holding me back? not sure i have the answer. but i feel as though im coming closer.
if you know me at all, you wouldnt be surprised if i listed 'crying' as a hobby on a resume. i tend to get very emotional easily. is it annoying? probably. it is what it is. i cant help it. i have friends who remain stonefaced in all situations, able to mask how they feel. and ones who just really dont get that emotional. who dont cry on a regular basis. and ones who call it dramatic and over the top. im not one of those people. so i imagine youre not at all surprised that i cried nearly every day last week. testing is extremely stressful and i often get overwhelmed being in situations that i have no control over. so it makes sense. but now testing is over. and i still feel as though i could cry at near anything. summer is rapidly approaching and i promise not to be the girl crying at the dead dog. at least not all the time. so i will bitch and moan about life. at the end of the day i know that i am lucky. i have a loving family, amazing friends and a job i love. i am not poor or homeless or really in want of many things. but i finally found myself able to journal this week. and through the bits and pieces, all very choppy, i think im able to put together why im feeling so frustrated. cue waterworks.
i look around at the people in my life and its often amazing to me that they are living such different lives. i know its silly to think everyone would be a cookie cutter, but its been awhile since i took the time to appreciate the diversity. i started to think about what was really wrong with me and i found solace in these qualities. the people in my life often bring me back down from the could i tend to rest on. they make me see whats really going on and when i need to get myself in check. i really need to take some of what theyre doing and hopefully get myself out of this slump. im hoping they dont mind that i include them here. my sister
k is such a strong person. she constantly deals with a hometown loser who cant make up his mind. i would love for him to move to iceland or somewhere equally lame. and to be honest, he doesnt deserve her. and she knows it. but im a solid resident of this glass house, and would never throw stones at that situation. ive been there for years. and i understand the seesaw shes going through. and i understand that there really is no way out. not now anyway. but the strength she shows daily, and the willingness she has to get back out there and continue to look for someone with moral character, really amazes me. there were many points when i found myself in a similar situation that i wasnt even close to strong enough to do that. and when it gets to that point, i admire her attempts at making a mature decision about what to do when you meet that nice guy. its never easy, especially with a summer of sun and scandal in the very near future. aside from that drama, shes dealing with the much larger issue of possibly losing her job. i cant imagine what that feels like, so i can only try to be supportive. throw into that mix our current living accomodations and its enough to make a person clinically insane. thats one i can relate to. i want to get out, need to get out, but where to go? how far is far enough to get rid of the nonsense? is it about a physical distance, or more about being honest with myself and being strong enough to stop trying to run away and just let go of the unnecessary? although i love my parents to death, i know i cant stay here much longer. im looking forward to a summer at the beach, but what happens after that? i plan to relax and enjoy myself, but i know i have some decisions to make about where ill be resting my head after labor day. my good friend
a is also in the process of making about a bazillion decisions. if it were anyone else, id say they were running. hiding. trying to escape and take the easy way out. but not her. shes one of the most level headed people i know. maybe thats why we compliment one another. she calms me and brings me back to reality. im sure its not her favorite hobby, and shed much rather me be zen on a regular basis, but she deals well. and im really not sure how much of a loose cannon id be without her. but i know shes contemplating going, and to be honest, im not sure what ill do. heres selfish me coming out. i want her to be happy and do what she needs, but i need her here with me. dear pa teaching gods, find her a job within the vicinity of no libs. because i want to come to her apartment biweekly and eat guac at that fab mexican place and see her impression of the js face more than once a month. thats all. ok ok enough. my friend
j was in a relationship forever and ever amen. finally deciding that it wasnt worth it. have i ever been able to do that? just give up when every single sign points to it? no of course not. i didnt have the strength when i should have. is she dealing with it everyday? sure. but shes finding herself again for the first time in years and its done amazing things for her. shes another whos out testing the waters again, even joining a dating site to widen her prospects. im jealous of her exploits in the world of dating (and also of her awesome job schedule - the travels seem like such fun). another good friend
m picked up and moved his entire life hours away in search of a dream. he weighed all the options, then took the plunge. everytime i think of it, he makes me feel as though i need to be more freespirited and passionate. think about something i love more than life itself and just really go for it. granted, music lends to that freedom much more than teaching. but still, total admiration. knowing that his roots will still be here, the people and places he cares about arent going anywhere. knowing he can come back whenever he wants. but wont, until hes ready. and maybe if ever. which is fine. my cousin
l could be my love life twin. separated at birth but totally in tune when it comes to love, or lack thereof. though we arent living close to one another, or even living remotely the same lifestyle, ive come to greatly appreciate the words of wisdom and ear she lends about a life that mirrors her own. its comforting to know that someones in the same boat. the non-love boat, if you will. i wish i could promise her that it will get better and shell find the love of her life and live happily ever after, but clearly i am not june cleaver. when i find that life, ill let you know.
so ive been putting on a brave face, giving good face, sucking a little face, all the while being pretty two-faced with myself (is that possible?). im quite depressed about something and being honest with myself, and all of you, about it would probably help. so hopefully without crying twelve more times, ill attempt to explain it. i dated someone in high school who cheated on and totally screwed with me. and continued to do so for years afterwards. then i tried again and found someone who thought the sun rose and set around me. and honestly still does. then i went to college and met another loser who didnt think it was necessary to tell me about his "other" girlfriend. and then i found another someone who loved me pretty much unconditionally until he couldnt anymore. now here i am, alone. back on the seesaw of my love life. gravitating back towards that ridiculous idea that i can change the bad guy. that maybe, just maybe, ill be the reason he wants to be better. seriously, i make myself sick sometimes. somewhere, i know that if hes just making half ass plans, harboring a secret (or not so secret) girlfriend, just texting and never calling, drinking excessively, unemployed or any of the multiple other redeeming qualities these men hold - hes not right for me. but ive always been in a relationship, or in the process of getting into or out of one. and i feel like a spaz without that someone. if i could, i would take a little smidge of all of the above peoples lives and smack myself with them. i need to find myself again. and be okay with being alone. i just dont know how to do that. its become increasingly clear in the recent past that i need to work on this. my frustration level is almost unbearable. but how? and where do i find the strength? all of these people, and the many others in my life, find strength in their daily lives to be happy and okay with themselves. im not saying ill stay in bed for weeks anytime soon, wallowing in my own self pity. but i do need to make changes. and find myself again. without all the added drama. i just need the strength to let go.
