auld lang syne

i spent last new years eve with four of my best single girl friends, in what we had hoped would turn into a glitzy and fabulous episode of sex and the city. what started with high hopes, planned resolutions, and giggling ended with tears, big letdowns and unnecessary travels to the past.  what could have gone wrong you wonder? we had champagne and red lipstick! vodka and high heels! boys and confetti! but what we didnt have, we couldnt have found. what we didnt have was what we were all looking for. all year, all month, all day long. we were all mistaken in thinking that by putting on a brave face and "woohoo'ing" our way into the new year, all else would be forgotten. for some of us, it was a job. a house. a car. a degree. a million bucks. but for all, it was love.

dont get me wrong. we tried our damnedest. we even went the traditional, if somewhat quirky, route of writing down resolutions. that we promised to follow. and we all assumed that this year, we would be in a much better place. because try as we might, we all knew last december 31 is not where we wanted to stay.  i bought a new wallet the other day and as i was transferring the essentials, i came across a folded up piece of paper.  what i read nearly brought me to tears. im not really a firm believer in change, nor in it happening quickly. but when i remember where i was a year from today, it really does give me hope. so in light of another new years eve, and my determination to make and keep resolutions this year with success, lets see how i did:

"i will put myself first and care more about me than anyone else."
psh. im not really the selfless type, so i dont see this being my resolution of choice. but there have been times when ive put others needs before my own, in work, love, and friendships. and sometimes its not always the best choice. i do believe in the last year i have stood up for myself more at work, taking what i need first. although i dont recommend the me-me-me approach, there have been times when it made all the difference in my personal sanity and success.

"i will stop worrying about things that might happen and embrace those that are."
my "hopeful" engagement is months away. my wedding, even longer. so why worry? this year i took the time to try to live in the moment more. i have been truly open and honest with the person i love for the first time, without worrying whether i will sink the nail into the coffin of us. because ive learned that if the relationship is that weak, it wont stand the test of time anyway. one measly emotion wont make a difference. i have told him what i want and need, asked how to make things better, and tried to let the little things slide. in times of pssa frenzy, i took less time to shoot stern looks and preach repetition and more time to assuage fears and share comforting smiles. and when scores came in, rather than the song and dance of last year, it was a quiet warmth that radiated from my heart knowing that my belief in those kids was well-placed.

"i will stop stressing about things that are out of my control."
so there are mice in my classroom. so my boyfriends crazy ex will not sink into oblivion. so i havent found a house i love thats in my price range yet. so im not engaged. so my tenure hasnt gone through. so theres traffic on the bridge. SO WHAT? there are enough meaningful worthwhile things in life to stress about that i actually care about and have the capacity to change. why waste time on the rest. im a stresser by nature. but in the last year, ive been letting go. of all that doesnt matter.

"i will focus on my health, my education, and the improvement of my state of mind."
yep. this girl ran on the treadmill a couple times this year. even bought myself a new pair of sneakers. but ive been eating healthier and staying away from the demons (aka vodka). my formal education is at a halt right now. but that doesnt mean i havent been learning things. ive read some incredible books in the last year, learned tons of things about childrens literature, researched and experienced many time periods in history, tried out lots of new recipes, increased my boggle score - im beating my world champion memom these days, learned about beer and wine and food, and got the slightest bit more interested in politics and current events that dont include us weekly. im going to go with "see above" for the improvement of my state of mind. im happy, healthy, and in love. and it seems, so are the people i care most about!

"i will save money rather than spend."
oooh you know, theres always one. that one resolution that just doesnt work out. i guess when you think about it though, four out of five aint bad. and as my poppop always says, "you cant take it with you."


so in light of recent findings, and the new year approaching, i will be compiling a list of new resolutions. one of which is to blog more, even if they are shorter entries. ive always been a little long-winded, bet you couldnt tell, but i need to start just getting a few words on the screen and hitting publish. my best friend h, the one who started me blogging in the first place, is SO good at it. her posts are always short, to the point, and wonderful! i need to take some notes before sunday. wish me luck!

tabula rasa

remember that time i stopped blogging? well dont speak too soon, bitches because im backkk. i swear i apologize (to my two readers) everytime i go on blogging hiatus. but i always mean it! and then try for the next week, and fifteen unfinished posts, to redeem myself. so for those of you still reading the most sporadic and meaningless blog on the planet, i thank you. and for those of you who no longer read but have never told me so to my face, i appreciate the dishonesty. its what keeps me writing.

now onto the only other thing that keeps me coming back for more... the fact that writing sometimes smoothes out the wrinkles in my silly little life. so with a new school year under way, many changes since my last posting, the variation of the same daily dramas in my otherwise blessed life, and a little stolen inspiration from my blogging (and best) friend h, i have decided to let it all go and start with the so-called clean slate.

ahem. slate cleaned. no more negativo. now to fill that bare slate. . . with every single thing i am currently in love with!

too much baggage?

"excuse me miss, youll have to check that baggage. its just too big."

tell me something i dont know, sister. 

its funny how you can be in a completely innocent situation, and just like that, you might as well have gotten kicked in the damn stomach.  here i am, staring at a total stranger in a usair uniform (with fab red lipstick by the way) who says something she probably says fifty times a day, to idiots like myself who dont know how to pack a damn suitcase. shes smiling, but not for long. i think she confuses the reason for my look of sheer panic. no darling, im not a poor college student who cant afford to check her bag. and hell no, im not carrying expensive jewels in there. i just couldnt refuse the ten pairs of shoes i brought for four days. just didnt want the rest to get lonely in my closet, i guess.

no, the grief im wearing on my face has nothing to do with this horrendous pack job. you just happened to have said the magic word. but there wasnt much time in the next five minutes for a pity party, because i had to simultaneously stuff five pairs of shoes under my seat per whispered orders from the flight attendant slash lifesaver without flashing my lace undies at an aisle full of not-so-thrilled passengers waiting to sit the fuck down. when the urge to throw up my breakfast subsided, i tried to figure out what exactly had hit me like a ton of bricks.

baggage.

and not the kind that comes from having too small a suitcase.

[disclaimer: i started this blog post about a month ago. trying to pick through the baggage of a would-be relationship, and decide whether or not it would subside. that would-be relationship is now in full force, and im thrilled. its facebook official, people. in fact, i cant remember the last time i was this genuinely happy. before i get all sappy and "look at me", please refer to the last five thousand blog posts. i am not susie sunshine when it comes to relationships and love. havent been for awhile. and i find myself cringing at the sheer romanticism of the fact that im this giddy. ive actually started to remember what it feels like for things to be easy, and for happiness to just spring out of the most random moments of nothing. so bear with me as i continue down baggage lane.]

in answer to the obvious question - no it has not subsided. if anything, it has gotten worse. the baggage has taken on a life of its own. at first, she was just a name. then, thanks to my good friend jd, a face. then, just a phone call or a text message. when she became a living breathing person, i knew it had gotten real. and apparently in la la land, we dont understand that when someone ignores your incessant texts about things you used to have in common and blocks your phone calls so that you cannot interrupt him at 230am while he is sleeping next to his girlfriend and leaves a bar you are at instead of coming over to say hi, it does not mean he wants you back. now, im willing to shell out $14.95 to purchase the baggage her own personal copy of "hes just not that into you". id also be more than happy to highlight, bookmark, and label in order of importance the many ways he is, in fact, not interested.

but that would be a waste of time and money ill never get back. because she doesnt get it. not yet, anyway. but i refuse to give up on something that makes me truly happy. and i refuse to make her psychotics a part of my relationship. and i refuse to fight with my amazing boyfriend about something he has no control over. and i refuse to let her win.  in the words of mimi marquez from rent, "lifes too short, babe. time is flyin'. im lookin for baggage that goes with mine." so, in order to salvage my sanity and relationship, and refrain from literally taking her out, i will bitch via blog and friends. until the baggage makes it way down the turnstile and into the hands of someone who actually wants it. 

[not so] happy anniversary

there is just no logical reason a single girl (of almost 2 years) should wake up on a sunny saturday morning to a "happy anniversary" text. theres just no logical reason. because there was no logical reason for it to be sent in the first place. all bogusly hypothetical situations aside, it just doesnt make a damn bit of sense. and i need it to make sense.

the asshole couldnt remember our anniversary for the 4+ years we were together. you mean to tell me his trusty iphone alarm reminding him of the most important day of his calendar year was on the fritz all this time and due to a freak of cell phone nature occurrence, just decided to spring to life now? go fuck yourself. 

i made the executive - and quite mature, if i do say so - decision to refrain from heavy boozing after receiving said text. good move, considering there was obviously a followup message. cmon now, people, check your pulse and make sure youre breathing. you know what it says... "blah blah im sorry blah blah i was drunk blah blah i got sad and was just missing you" aka shutup. because until i woke up to that disaster of a text, i didnt even remember the damn date. and i wouldnt have. if youre a teacher, or work in a school, you know that dates only count from monday to friday. you only know what damn day it is because you have to change it on the board every morning so the first 25 smiling faces you see dont say "you forgot to change the daaaate" before they remember to wish you a good morning. seeing as it was saturday, i would have survived the entire day/weekend without realizing i had dodged the bullet of yet another un-anniversary. so thanks for that, d.

as you can see, i am dealing with this all very well.

baby love

my adorable goddaughter is turning seven and today was her party. weve always been very family-oriented and today was no different. it was an awesome chance to see one of my favorite cousins l and her super cute little ones. they live approx two hours away, so its not an everyday opportunity. her incredible little two year old c asked me to paint her toes. shes a little fireball of energy so i pictured it being the most interesting (and possibly messy) ten minutes of my life. instead she sat still as could be, just switching her gaze back and forth between me and her nails. she even helped blow them dry. for the next few minutes, she wandered aimlessly around the house, showing off her pink toes to everyone in the house. she even bumped into the wall because she was so infatuated looking down at her feet. its moments like that when i find myself in such amazement of children. she shyly made her way back to me with the request of matching fingernails. how could i say no? she sat on my lap and continued enjoying her newest beauty regimen. this time though, she didnt move afterwards. sitting up, leaning back against me, letting her nails dry. . . the peanut had fallen asleep. i had offers to put her down in another bedroom, but i just wasnt interested. there was nowhere i would have rather been.

with all the hustle and bustle of daily life, its often hard to take a step back. i am thankful i was able to do that today. i came home to find pictures of my best friend h's new nursery. between the cuddle session with one of the cutest kids i know to the pictures (and excitement that comes along with them) of a new life almost making his way into the world, it helps you remember that babies are a big part of whats good. its getting so close for my mejor, and i honestly cant wait. for awhile, it seemed so far off. and now with days flying by, i hope she gets the opportunity to relax and enjoy the excitement. it seems surreal. i can barely contain my own giddy excitement and i just cant wait to meet him.

sushi thursdays

the winter fog has lifted. sushi thursdays are back!

or at least i hope so. i cant explain why but it makes me happy to know i have a little cubby reserved just for our gossip every thursday evening. tonight was an eclectic mix of friends, some of whom i havent seen in weeks. we even had a last minute addition who happened to be in the neighborhood. its always a fun surprise to see who will show. notably missing was standing regular, my bff h. but cute little baby calls! but the good thing about next time is, we'll pick right up where we left off, as if no one missed a thing.

the sushi is a little above average. the waitstaff is accomodating if suffocating. and they serve fried bananas.  what more could you ask for? besides, what they lack in shazaam, we make sure to bring. the conversation is never dull. and although many of the topics discussed neither involve or affect us, we manage to gossip about damn near everything. since many of us travel in different circles, we have much to share. not to mention - our good friend jack always offers up some useful information. and ya just never know who youll see in the flesh.

all in all, sushi thursdays are hands down one of the reasons i get through the work week. its just such a fun time to get together with my best girls and participate in two of our favorite pastimes - eating and gabbing. im hoping today has reopened the gates to many more. because i sure did miss it.

luck of the irish?

i dont quite know what it is, but today is pretty sweet. after the overwhelming debacles of yesterday which i wont even get into because today is a new day, ill admit it was difficult to get out of bed this morning. lately i find that when i tell myself "tomorrow has to be a better day" it comes back to bite me. isnt that just the way it goes? that theory was even brought up in our novel the other day. its everywhere! but not today! i dont believe in all that irish bullshit but since today is their day, ill give it to em. i think the luck of the irish rubbed off on me.


i was early to work.
all my kids were in school, on time for testing.
the morning test snack was cinnamon teddy grahams (yum).
i was able to SOLVE todays math problems - and help guide most of my kids to the correct answer.
my tea wasnt too sweet.
no one fell asleep during post-test classes.
my outside student came early.
he took his time with testing again - and wow'ed me.
my boss let us leave a half hour early.
i got all my copies made.
i cleaned up enough that i can SEE my desk.
i finished/submitted my march madness bracket (with help from my homeroom).
there was not a speck of traffic on the ride home.
the weather was perfect for driving.
maroon5 sunday morning = best windows down song was on the radio.
i had my big black aubrey sunglasses.
my lesson plans are finished.
dinner was homemade broccoli rabe sausage. my favorite.
my dad schooled me on bball and made me laugh.
i had an oreo mcflurry.
i caught up on my missed episodes of pretty little liars.
the girls on the show created a fake page to stalk some guys exgf (no comment).
some of my madness teams are WINNING.
my cough seems to be gone, or at least hibernating.
in honor of the holiday, i was reminded of college dorm memories.
and in turn, reminded my roomies of their long lost love of boondock saints.
i remembered that tomorrow is jean day.
i found $20 that i forgot was mine.
its 8:39 and i have nothing to do but relax.


i guess those irish eyes were smiling at me,
because i sure feel lucky today.

every damn day

today was spring picture day, so the kids were allowed to dress down. no uniforms. i have the utmost respect for the powers that be, but this probably would not have been my decision a week before state testing. coupled with the warm-ish weather that signifies the start of fist fight season, this could have been a recipe for disaster. when the phrases "dress down" and "school appropriate" are used together in a sentence, one is often ignored. take a wild guess. i saw some belly buttons today, a glimpse of a rear, and more skinny jeans than i would have liked. however, the day ran surprisingly smoothly. which brings me to the reason for this post...

if kids are out of uniform, theyre sent to the office and placed in in-school suspension for the day. on days like today, its a little more difficult. case in point - a student who came in wearing this shirt:

whats a girl to do? laugh. its all i could do. and show it to a colleague with a similar sense of humor - and distorted level of sanity with testing right around the corner. and with my mind wandering, i started to think of things i do every damn day. the good, the bad and the ugly. so in the spirit of things, here it is. 

every damn day i . . .

bite my nails. drink water.  laugh with my students. look at my planner. read emails. open a window. listen to music and sing. check facebook and hollie. have a snack. think about a loser (or two). grade papers.  read out loud. talk to my parents. send/receive text messages. deal with stress. walk. make my bed. put on mascara. miss someone. eat alot. use hand sanitizer. think deeply about something. update my summer countdown. smile. see my sister. gossip. fuss with my bangs. correct a student's behavior. ask questions. make jokes that my students dont think are funny. get dressed. raise my voice. dance in the car. wear a bracelet. watch tv. learn something new. lose my pen. say the pledge of allegiance. drive. wish it was warmer. sleep.

ahhh sleep. sounds nice right about now  :)

40 days and 40 nights

ive never been good at giving up. i often hold too tightly to things i should have let go long before. and because i need to point the finger somewhere, i will blame that for my lack of success with past lenten seasons. i truly do try. i just never quite make it. and i get my ashes, say my prayers, and go without meat on fridays. i try to cut out the negative, count my blessings, and go out of my way for others. i am not living in the bubble of catholic guilt. i think im a good person. i understand the meaning of lent. its the giving up that trips me up everytime. so of the multiple things i should be giving up, i am going to try and be realistic. and choose what i know i can physically do without.

originally, i thought "give up something you eat/drink all the time, maybe youll get skinnier/more successful from it" so i obviously thought of vodka. and then i thought, who am i kidding? i'll be knee deep in jello shots come saturday at noon. and then i went with the usual, "oh cmon its forty days give up something really hard and show jesus how dedicated you are" - so ummm, facebook? and then i flat out laughed at myself. however will i spend my days? hearing about the picture of your exbf's new gf with a bad haircut is just not the same as seeing it for yourself. and then i give myself the yearly "why dont you give up that loser you cant stop stressing over whos clearly not worth your time and now would be a great chance to be dunzo" and please, i cant even go there right now. lets just say i need to cut myself off before i get to that option because its ridiculous. so this is where i start to get stumped.

i went with coffee this year because of a few reasons. one, i shouldnt be relying on a steady intake of caffeine to start my day. when i was dead with the flu, and the entire two weeks after, i had no coffee. and i started to feel less like an extra from mj's thriller video and more like a human in the mornings again. two, i would probably be better off investing money in dunkin stock instead of tossing it into a cashiers hands every day. at this rate, i could own a range rover. three, since ive gotten my family hooked on naked juice, i can now replace my morning coffee with a sugar/gluten/preservative free drink that doubles as breakfast and is readily available at my house. and its made entirely from fruits and veggies! im not a health freak, but im sure i could use an extra helping of both. and its definitely better for me than the cream and sugar cocktail i currently sip. four, i hate that the cups are styrafoam. and granted, they will probably not change this in forty days. but somewhere during that time (and with all the money im saving on coffee), i can purchase myself one of those super cute - and way too expensive - reusable coffee mugs.  or two.

and honestly, its lent. im not running for president. how many reasons do i need? today was day one of no coffee. lets see how bitter i am in a week. . .

a little bit of drama...

never hurt anyone?

suuuure silly little wall quote in a five year olds bedroom. whatever you say. sorry g, but that was $10 not so well spent. by the looks of things, this summer could turn the land of dreams into that of dramatics. but i truly cannot begin to get into that now. seems things are running as smoothly as can be expected after the first weekend back "home" after leaving the nest in september. id give us a 7.5 out of 10.

i feel as though i need to write, if only to keep myself from creeping d's facebook for glimpses of his NEW GIRLFRIEND. but god knows i cant, what with that thought running nonstop throughout my brain. with only a few weeks to testing, my mind should be full of more useful thoughts. but instead, its like a mayhem mixtape playing on repeat. many of the tracks feature d, happy and content in his new life of love with some rando he went to high school with who may i add is really not as cute as i thought she was after scrutinizing a bazillion pictures. the bonus track features a duet, the d from our relationship and the new d - both saying the sameee things to their hunnie of choice. might as well get the man a cardboard cutout to preach to. how precious. i just cannot deal with that debacle right now. its straight up crazy, if you ask me. and more than a little depressing, considering the fact that im the one telling a whole lot of no ones i love you.

mingled into that mess, im attempting to deal with a situation i truly cant describe. maybe tomorrow? its just too much for today. as a disclaimer (i know, i know - theyre supposed to come first), i realize the total pointlessness of this post. it will probably be the first i dont even reread before posting. because i really do know how much it sucks. and i donttt have the strength to fix it, make it make sense, or even make it worth reading. so i apologize for this five minutes of your life you will never get back. i promise ill be better next time.

home sweet home?

our old apartment is available. september 1st. and the realtor posted pictures. of the gorgeous checkerboard kitchen floor that was practically impossible to clean. of the preserved mantle with the extra inlaid marble i stubbed my toe on daily. of the oversized brick archways into the kitchen that were never large enough to move furniture through. of the brand new washer/dryer that was constantly on the fritz. of the beautiful french doors on the guest room that were warped from the day they were put in. of the too long hallway. of the too small bathroom. of the loud carpet in the master bedroom. of the spacey under the stairs closet without a light. obviously i looked. at everything we could have hated but grew to love. a friend told me, probably thinking id be thrilled because i loved that place. probably not knowing that it just makes me think.

and id move back in a second...

it takes a village

emily: how did you get here?

maya: lets say it took a village.

[pretty little liars]

ok, before you wish me back into blogging hiatus, let me explain. yes, pretty little liars is a show for teenage girls, based on a book series for teenage girls. but watch it once and i swear that somewhere between the high school lesbian love affair, unsolved murder, jobless mother with thousands of mystery dollars stashed in pasta boxes in her kitchen cabinets, and scandalous teacher/student relationship - youll be just as hooked as i am. waay to sassy for fox family if you ask me! that being said, the rationale behind this post came from the simple line above.

the ancient african philosophy "it takes a village to raise a child" has been written and rewritten about a bazillion times throughout history. and i just like it. there really is no deep meaning behind this post, except that i am stressed beyond belief due to upcoming state testing. its the most nauseating time of the year! so dear god, bring me that village. cause these kiddies need some raising. and i sure as hell feel like i cant do it alone right now. if you need me, ill be screaming into a pillow and thrashing wildly like a five year old on a sugar-crash induced temper tantrum regarding the color of her barbie's newest high heels. until approximately april 1st.