where is he?

i find that no matter how many romantic comedies, ladies nights, self-help quotes, chick-lit books, girl power anthems or conversations starting with "well that could be your boyfriend"  - it all comes down to the fact that this is just not how i saw it. because the way i saw it, there would be no need for any of that. i pictured my life at this juncture much differently, and i just cant come to terms with the fact that my picture is not a reality. nor a possibility. i guess maybe once i do, it will be much easier to move on. to let go. to be fine with myself, as i am, single or attached, whether everything else is figured out or not. and its not like im sad everyday. or i count the hours minutes seconds since us. or that i even wish for what was. but id be lying if i said none of it bothers me.

i dont want to be the 37 year old bride, happy to have finally found the one. i dont want to have wrinkles in my engagement pictures. to have people ask, "how old is she?" to analyze every wrong decision ive made in relationships for the 20 years before it finally worked. to hit that point and realize that maybe im settling. to plan a wedding when i should be watching my first child's kindergarten graduation. to spend the next fifteen years wondering when ill be wearing a ring.

i used to just worry. be a little nervous, anxious, unsure of when id find someone. lately its a different feeling. at the risk of sounding dramatic, its a much stronger feeling. beyond what i felt last summer. last year. last month. im scared. and its quite exhausting. im trying my best to channel charlotte york, and bypass this whole "ive been dating since i was fifteen. im exhausted! where is he?" moment. she wept, she waited, she won. granted, she traded in her christmas tree for a menorah and her hottie husband for a baldie (holla a!) but i can work with that. get me to the era of goldenblatt, please.

dear santa

with all the merriment of this holiday season, one would think it impossible for a person to be even a little down. news flash, hallmark. its possible. and very likely, if said person dwells on that which is not so merry. and what with this being a completely hypothetical situation, i wouldnt truly know what this poor unfortunate soul was going through. but i could venture a guess as to how she was feeling. so in honor of all that is good about the season, and in order to stay sane - shank you very much, ill attempt to create a list of 25 things even santa himself couldnt manage. because im telling you this, if a fat man dropped this motherload off at my house, id be joyous for eternity. in order for you to truly understand the quality of this list, lets just say if this was under my tree, it would cause me to spread enough cheer to make up for the people i was mean to in highschool. that much cheer. brace yourselves people (and possibly send this list to my future husband, just so he knows what hes in for). this is the ultimate christmas list - in no particular order. . .

1.  truffles, truffles and more truffles.
2.  "the best chrismukkah ever"episode of the oc, complete with seth cohen and ryan atwood on my doorstep
3.  christmas carols being sung live on a loop by the glee cast
4.  a boyfriend/fiance/husband - one that does not cheat, lie, or drink too much.
5.  a neverending case of 2001 orin swift's prisoner
6.  a free personal trainer
7.  a mac counter in my bedroom
8.  world peace (why not?)
9.  voice-activated itunes that dl's whatever i want for free, immediately upon hearing me say "i like that song"
10.  enough money to buy christmas gifts for all my students
11.  the cure for cancer, starting with all types of childhood cancer
12.  christian louboutin black pumps
13.  a beach house in downtown sea isle
14.  "the night they saved christmas" on dvd
15.  weezy rapping at my birthday party
16.  a box full of fresh fruit, all of which i can eat without going into anaphylactic shock
17.  a vodka fountain
18.  the ability to swim
19.  a driver - one that takes me too and from everywhere. and picks up my friends :)
20.  freedom from nailbiting
21.  big gran, in her kitchen, showing me how to make meatballs
22.  a closet full of things that would prevent me from ever saying "i have nothing to wear"
23.  another closet full of sharpie pens, post-its and random other nerdy school supplies i love
24.  a good left ankle
25. love, food, friendship, happiness, love, money, peace, family or _________ (fill in the blank with your wish) for everyone who needs it.