anxiety.

the anxiety monster is rearing its ugly head. has been for about two weeks now.  so when my good friend s stopped me in the hall yesterday, seconds before i made my (cough, cough secretary. im sick. i need to take a half day) escape - i knew it was all over. she suffers from bouts of anxiety herself, and can spot mine from a mile away. my coworkers think im sick, my parents think im overworked, my boyfriend just thinks im a bitch. but she knows. and forces me to know.

i am overworked. thats just a fact. i do it to myself. but when i add more responsibilities, and dont give myself any time to rejuvenate, i become so much more than overworked. i understand there are those much busier than myself and probably working longer hours. but when i work, i work hard. and i dont discount the amount of time, effort, and perfectionism i put into my entire day at school.

teaching 100 students/5 days a week.

lesson planning & paper grading. 

developing curriculum.

attending common core workshops.

managing a student teacher.

organizing student council elections.

running red ribbon week.

managing the canned food drive.

speaking of drive... i thought long and hard on my hour drive home. no music, no iphone, nothing but dead air. yesterday was definitely a day for just my thoughts. it hasnt been this bad for quite some time. so i know there must be more. and i have to break it down. which is when i remember, its thursday. with the hurricane and school closing, my monday became wednesday, which caused me to forget that it was thursday. grad school thursday. "if you miss a class not due to contractual issues with school, your grade will be lowered a half a letter" thursday.

attending a five hour class once a week.
writing multiple page papers.
reading an entire textbook.
completing research.
paying out of pocket.

and thats when i started to get hungry. i know, not very linear. but true. i remembered that the only thing id consumed all morning was a large coffee from dunkin. and it was already noon. and this happens. every. single. weekday.

skipping lunch.
eating horrifically unhealthy things.
not eating at all.
not working out.
not even walking.
stress eating when i think of all this.
drinking emergen-c for breakfast.
consuming way too much coffee.
not consuming nearly enough water.
replacing water with beer and wine.

ahhh beer and wine. the first way i attempt to replenish what is being zapped from my life is to increase the social aspects. sometimes this works. this time it didnt. what little time ive had in the past few weeks have been spent busier than usual. in an attempt to try and forget the stressful parts of life, i have been overdoing it on the good stuff, too.

attending too many sporting events.
drinking too much.
accepting too many invitations.
spending money.
not sleeping enough.
eating horrifically unhealthy things (again).

all of this makes me a cranky girl. a cranky girl who finds any and every little teensy thing her normally pleasing boyfriend does completely and utterly unacceptable. not even major stuff. ALL stuff. which in turn releases the dragon...

fighting. and more fighting.
arguing just to argue.
trying to win.
exhausting myself from crying.
giving myself a headache.
creating the worst possible scenario.
worrying.
and more crying.

all of which led me to be in bed at noon on a workday. while the nap helped, as did the numerous hours of crying, it didnt fix. and i woke up this morning convinced that things needed fixing.

taking the much-needed day off.
sleeping in.
eating cheerios for breakfast.
drinking oj and skipping coffee.
running (ok, jogging) two miles.
updating my photoaday challenge pics.
chatting with friends.
painting my toesies.
signing up for yoga.
packing for a fun weekend.
starting a holiday countdown (my fav!)

sometimes its nice just knowing youre not alone. my friend s was clutch in talking me off the ledge, while still helping me realize sometimes im just not okay. and thats okay. and my friend h has lots of wonderful methods that work (some of which i used today!) for curbing some of the anxiety without heading to the docs. and its really helpful that my boyfriend b hasnt gone running for the hills yet. i know the subject is really uncomfortable for him, and he definitely doesnt understand it, but hes really supportive. and if hes making the "shes crazy" face, at least hes got the decency to do it while im not around... heres to getting back to normal.