welp, yet again i have slacked in the "thankful" department. not to say that i havent been thankful, i just havent had the time to breathe, let alone post it. not so happy with myself, because im sure there are things im missing. but rehashing is actually giving me the chance to relive the thankfulness so i guess its all good :)
19: an incredible amount of support from coworker friends, old and new, when faced with an impossible situation. and getting thru it without casualties, ha.
20: a grrreat hair day, paired with a supercute new laceback LC sweater. found on sale!
21: relaxation.
22: my crazy great-aunts phyllis and viv. lenox christmas china.
23: the 2nd annual turkeybowl - and more importantly, the teachers not losing to a team of 8th graders again.
24: a mini-summer roomie reunion. james, the worlds most amazing cabbie for humoring us. the entire staff at the crowne (all of whom should get a raise). no one having to drive home on thanksgiving eve.
25: family/friends, zinfandel, justdance2, and mares fantabulous stuffing. and my 2nd successful thanksgiving without d.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
after the storm
still in desperate need of the serenity prayer. but i am thankful for many things today.
tomorrow is friday, the end of an excruciatingly long week. detention ran smoothly, with an unexpected positive behavior showing from j. the mutual respect and hardwork was restored in room207. a very surprising choice of "words" not "drawings" present in my homeroom's journals when offered a free day. no arguments heard when readalouds were asked of many hesitant students, leading to participation at an alltime high. the funfilled kickoff to "900cinderellas"encouraged by the enthusiasm of the seventh grade. a somewhat issue-free observation (my first of four this year, due to new contract requirements). the fact that i almost forgot my boss was there, which must mean im doing something right :) a short but sweet dinner with friends. some awesome relationship and love-finding advice, compliments of my good friend l and patti stanger. yummy garlic knots which are impossible to make at home. a couple glasses of one of my favorite zins - gnarly head.
but most of all... a pleasant day after the storm that came after the calm - if that makes any sense. we had the calm, we had the storm. and then after the horror that was yesterday, today was nice. after i broke down (in front of my kids no less) i think they too realized we were at a wall. i sure felt like it. and to be honest, it felt nice to bring someone else into my sinking boat. even better, 27 someone elses. who helped make the holes. id say today was the day we realized we were all in that dinghy together, and we might as well do whatever we could to patch those holes. and i feel like things are better. so we will see. i think we could all use thanksgiving break. heres to coming back, fresh and relaxed, ready to take on the world again.
tomorrow is friday, the end of an excruciatingly long week. detention ran smoothly, with an unexpected positive behavior showing from j. the mutual respect and hardwork was restored in room207. a very surprising choice of "words" not "drawings" present in my homeroom's journals when offered a free day. no arguments heard when readalouds were asked of many hesitant students, leading to participation at an alltime high. the funfilled kickoff to "900cinderellas"encouraged by the enthusiasm of the seventh grade. a somewhat issue-free observation (my first of four this year, due to new contract requirements). the fact that i almost forgot my boss was there, which must mean im doing something right :) a short but sweet dinner with friends. some awesome relationship and love-finding advice, compliments of my good friend l and patti stanger. yummy garlic knots which are impossible to make at home. a couple glasses of one of my favorite zins - gnarly head.
but most of all... a pleasant day after the storm that came after the calm - if that makes any sense. we had the calm, we had the storm. and then after the horror that was yesterday, today was nice. after i broke down (in front of my kids no less) i think they too realized we were at a wall. i sure felt like it. and to be honest, it felt nice to bring someone else into my sinking boat. even better, 27 someone elses. who helped make the holes. id say today was the day we realized we were all in that dinghy together, and we might as well do whatever we could to patch those holes. and i feel like things are better. so we will see. i think we could all use thanksgiving break. heres to coming back, fresh and relaxed, ready to take on the world again.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
mindless meditation
today i am thankful for the serenity prayer. it has been running on constant loop, weaving itself through the insanity of my thoughts since this morning. and im not sure what i need most - the serenity, the courage or the wisdom. maybe all three.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
spoke too soon
apparently im not quite as good as i thought at being thankful. or at least not at posting it daily. ha. here goes a little catchup -
11: the concentration level and effort of my students on the first "real" benchmark.
12: sleep. and lots of it.
13: catching up with an old friend. and surviving an awkward night.
14: our new friend bern, who taught us a fabulous dice game. and being at the beach.
15: not having the hangover i expected. and my good friend l for sending a picture message worth a thousand words. also, a 10% proficiency increase, booyah.
16: a facebook status with a quote that rings true to me - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
wish i could write something of substance. however, this large stack of UNgraded papers calls.
11: the concentration level and effort of my students on the first "real" benchmark.
12: sleep. and lots of it.
13: catching up with an old friend. and surviving an awkward night.
14: our new friend bern, who taught us a fabulous dice game. and being at the beach.
15: not having the hangover i expected. and my good friend l for sending a picture message worth a thousand words. also, a 10% proficiency increase, booyah.
16: a facebook status with a quote that rings true to me - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
wish i could write something of substance. however, this large stack of UNgraded papers calls.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
piece of cake [or pumpkin pie?]
this whole "being thankful" thing is quite easy. its the daily blogging that trips me up. i often fantasize about what it would be like to be such a sought-after writer, that i could be paid an embarassingly large amount of money to just blog everyday. and then i come back to reality and come to terms with the fact that id be fired, day2. i try, i really do. it just doesnt happen. so im yet again, catching up.
8: finding out that the 8th graders (my students from last year) entered the year at 90% proficiency in reading! wahoo!
9: the kids in my homeroom - again i know, for making mature and thoughtful decisions when i allowed them to choose their own class seats. baby steps :)
10: coworker s for joining me in the "land of misfit toys" and throwing herself into "our" kids as much as i do. i am lucky for her kindred spirit. also, my sister k for baking my three batches of muffins, knowing id be home too late to feel like it. oh and how dare i forget, baked macaroni for dinner. my favorite!
would love to stay and chat, as i am thoroughly enjoying my season of thankfulness, but im busy preparing for my favorite weeks of the curriculum year. did you know that there are over 900 published versions of the cinderella story? aha i bet not. so clearly i have my work cut out for me if i can accurately address this phenomenon.
8: finding out that the 8th graders (my students from last year) entered the year at 90% proficiency in reading! wahoo!
9: the kids in my homeroom - again i know, for making mature and thoughtful decisions when i allowed them to choose their own class seats. baby steps :)
10: coworker s for joining me in the "land of misfit toys" and throwing herself into "our" kids as much as i do. i am lucky for her kindred spirit. also, my sister k for baking my three batches of muffins, knowing id be home too late to feel like it. oh and how dare i forget, baked macaroni for dinner. my favorite!
would love to stay and chat, as i am thoroughly enjoying my season of thankfulness, but im busy preparing for my favorite weeks of the curriculum year. did you know that there are over 900 published versions of the cinderella story? aha i bet not. so clearly i have my work cut out for me if i can accurately address this phenomenon.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
wooed by the weekend
after spending a refreshing and relaxing weekend with an old friend, i found myself letting loose a little. i couldnt have predicted how good it felt to make the trip on whim, not have any definite plans, and leave hour upon hour to just live. i was sad to leave, but already looking forward to the next visit. with so many people coming into and out of my life, its nice to spend time with someone who knows me so well, even after all these years. it felt fabulous to have an unbiased opinion on many of the topics swirling through my everyday. and, as always, she was incredibly supportive and even made me crack a smile or two.
as more time passes, i find that i am looking more carefully at the things i am thankful for. and on a positive note, they are much more abundant than i had expected. i know im overlapping days here, but this weekend reminded me of how thankful i am for e's friendship. amongst other things...
4: the innocence of a kindergartner who thought her older brother in detention was my boyfriend. and a much-needed night to catch up with two of my best friends.
5: not a single room207 student being reprimanded once on the field trip. and as a result of that pent up energy, a picture that is worth way more than a thousand words (i cant remember the last time i laughed so deeply).
6: the sweet boy at the gas station washing my windows while i waited,without being asked. an amaaazing dinner at crush. finding a purple, childs small, ray lewis jersey instock and purchasing :)
7: a ravens WIN witnessed live in bmore. and the avoidance of a chance meeting with ex d that would most likely have done more damage than good. the extra hour of life gained by daylight savings. oh how i love you, roman clock.
with the start of a new week looming, i am confident that there will be an overload of things i am thankful for in the everyday. i just hope that they will carry me through the uncertainty.
as more time passes, i find that i am looking more carefully at the things i am thankful for. and on a positive note, they are much more abundant than i had expected. i know im overlapping days here, but this weekend reminded me of how thankful i am for e's friendship. amongst other things...
4: the innocence of a kindergartner who thought her older brother in detention was my boyfriend. and a much-needed night to catch up with two of my best friends.
5: not a single room207 student being reprimanded once on the field trip. and as a result of that pent up energy, a picture that is worth way more than a thousand words (i cant remember the last time i laughed so deeply).
6: the sweet boy at the gas station washing my windows while i waited,without being asked. an amaaazing dinner at crush. finding a purple, childs small, ray lewis jersey instock and purchasing :)
7: a ravens WIN witnessed live in bmore. and the avoidance of a chance meeting with ex d that would most likely have done more damage than good. the extra hour of life gained by daylight savings. oh how i love you, roman clock.
with the start of a new week looming, i am confident that there will be an overload of things i am thankful for in the everyday. i just hope that they will carry me through the uncertainty.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
one a day's
with all that is swirling around me, i am trying to keep perspective. since it is the season of giving and appreciating what you have, i plan to try my damnedest to stay positive. and the best way i know how, is as soon as i start to sliiiide down into that slump, i pick myself back up with all that is good about my life. and while it isnt perfect, there are way more than 25 things im thankful for. so this should be easy. i missed a few days, so i will attempt to backtrack. and moving forward, keep track of at least one thing i can say thank you for each day.
1: the boys in my homeroom, who stayed after school to pack up my things and chase/hunt/contemplate the trapping of a mouse that had taken residence in my classroom, while i sat on my desk and cried.
2: a short break from the bedlam of 7th grade, replaced by an inservice workshop that was actually useful and incredibly informative, not to mention new!
3: kind words from a coworker (in appreciation and acknowledgement of all the hard work ive put in schoolwide over the last few weeks) as well as an offer to help transport canned goods to a local shelter in the bed of a truck much larger than mine. also, on a totally unrelated subject - bruce springsteen's born to run on the radio, belting that out never gets old.
it will be a happy november :)
1: the boys in my homeroom, who stayed after school to pack up my things and chase/hunt/contemplate the trapping of a mouse that had taken residence in my classroom, while i sat on my desk and cried.
2: a short break from the bedlam of 7th grade, replaced by an inservice workshop that was actually useful and incredibly informative, not to mention new!
3: kind words from a coworker (in appreciation and acknowledgement of all the hard work ive put in schoolwide over the last few weeks) as well as an offer to help transport canned goods to a local shelter in the bed of a truck much larger than mine. also, on a totally unrelated subject - bruce springsteen's born to run on the radio, belting that out never gets old.
it will be a happy november :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
just keep swimming
drowning. its my biggest fear.
for as long as i can remember, the idea of being completely submerged frightens the living daylights out of me. im not sure when it happened, or why, but im deathly afraid of water. i cant swim and ive never been quite sure if that is a result of this fear or just supplemental to the reasons why. i took lessons, at a locally renowned place. i remember holding my nose in the bathtub and ducking underwater to practice. i can even picture the pool, from the smells to the sounds, as if it were yesterday. my heart clenches everytime i think of the dreaded deep-end test, where some lifeguard on a power trip made me tread water for two minutes. i still feel like those two minutes lasted a lifetime.
and thats where it gets blurry. somewhere in between my bubble bath escapades and now, something changed. i own approximately 30 bathing suits, none of which see much water time. and the sight of the ocean as a whole takes my breath away. i havent stepped foot in a pool in ages and im still weirdly afraid ill fall asleep in the tub, submerging myself into doom. i thought id get over it. thought id learn to swim. thought that one day id walk smack into the water and turn into a jellyfish. thought my heart wouldnt start beating a mile a minute at the thought of being dunked. no dice.
and, bear with me, this is where it starts to get worse. i went to the carwash with my sister k and friends the other day. and sitting in the car, listening to the water slosh against the sides, i made the mistake of looking out. it was like my worst fear realized. all i could see was water. out every window. crashing down onto the sunroof. growing louder and faster with each second. something was said and i snapped out of it. but not before noticing my clammy hands, my echoing heartbeat, my catch in breath. what was i so afraid of? what is it about drowning that i just cant seem to get over?
so i started thinking. its more than just drowning. its the feeling of helplessness. the realization that a mere minute ago, i had control. and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. and theres probably not a damn thing i can do to get it back. its the feeling of loss. of everything thats swirling down the drain with me as i go. its like i can watch and catalogue it, but never reach out to grasp it and make it mine again. its the feeling of want. that aching need for breath, for safety, for comfort. for the calm i felt just minutes before. its as if so many thoughts and feelings are going through my head at once, and nothing is clear.
well, maybe one thing is. im drowning. i may not be underwater, running out of breath. but i am most certainly drowning. there is no end in sight, no easy solution, no fast fix. there is no way to stop it or hop off the train. so im trying to push on and get better. for lack of a better analogy, and because i just dont have the strength right now, im trying to swim through this. because there is no other way. it feels like everytime the light breaks through, that big hand of fate comes through the water and crowns my head, pushing me further down without letting me get any air. im just hoping someday soon ill reach the surface. because im running out of air.
for as long as i can remember, the idea of being completely submerged frightens the living daylights out of me. im not sure when it happened, or why, but im deathly afraid of water. i cant swim and ive never been quite sure if that is a result of this fear or just supplemental to the reasons why. i took lessons, at a locally renowned place. i remember holding my nose in the bathtub and ducking underwater to practice. i can even picture the pool, from the smells to the sounds, as if it were yesterday. my heart clenches everytime i think of the dreaded deep-end test, where some lifeguard on a power trip made me tread water for two minutes. i still feel like those two minutes lasted a lifetime.
and thats where it gets blurry. somewhere in between my bubble bath escapades and now, something changed. i own approximately 30 bathing suits, none of which see much water time. and the sight of the ocean as a whole takes my breath away. i havent stepped foot in a pool in ages and im still weirdly afraid ill fall asleep in the tub, submerging myself into doom. i thought id get over it. thought id learn to swim. thought that one day id walk smack into the water and turn into a jellyfish. thought my heart wouldnt start beating a mile a minute at the thought of being dunked. no dice.
and, bear with me, this is where it starts to get worse. i went to the carwash with my sister k and friends the other day. and sitting in the car, listening to the water slosh against the sides, i made the mistake of looking out. it was like my worst fear realized. all i could see was water. out every window. crashing down onto the sunroof. growing louder and faster with each second. something was said and i snapped out of it. but not before noticing my clammy hands, my echoing heartbeat, my catch in breath. what was i so afraid of? what is it about drowning that i just cant seem to get over?
so i started thinking. its more than just drowning. its the feeling of helplessness. the realization that a mere minute ago, i had control. and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. and theres probably not a damn thing i can do to get it back. its the feeling of loss. of everything thats swirling down the drain with me as i go. its like i can watch and catalogue it, but never reach out to grasp it and make it mine again. its the feeling of want. that aching need for breath, for safety, for comfort. for the calm i felt just minutes before. its as if so many thoughts and feelings are going through my head at once, and nothing is clear.
well, maybe one thing is. im drowning. i may not be underwater, running out of breath. but i am most certainly drowning. there is no end in sight, no easy solution, no fast fix. there is no way to stop it or hop off the train. so im trying to push on and get better. for lack of a better analogy, and because i just dont have the strength right now, im trying to swim through this. because there is no other way. it feels like everytime the light breaks through, that big hand of fate comes through the water and crowns my head, pushing me further down without letting me get any air. im just hoping someday soon ill reach the surface. because im running out of air.
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