out of sight - out of mind?

i am having a day and a half. and i cant really put my finger on the exact why. could be the backlash of the middle school events on friday that is rocking my job to the core. could be the disgusting rain replacing the tease of sunshine we got. could be that its the week mother nature turns me into a complete trainwreck. could be the summer house issues were dealing with and the lack of hope i see there. could be the bazillion straight five-day weeks weve had at school that drag before spring break. more than likely, its a combination of all of the above.

[before i begin my rant: a disclaimer... i am not living in a bubble. i know that there are many people out there with way worse lives than me. they are suffering day in and day out, for health and socioeconomic reasons. for real, logical reasons. they have it tougher than me. and i dont think my problems come close to touching the caliber of many others. however, id rather vent here than throw it out into the world, and into the ears of those people. so, without beating myself up about it, ill try to explain why im feeling a little blue. and ill even try not to feel guilty for it.]

so if im being completely honest with myself, which as always - is not my strong suit, id say that the above reasons for why im a little mopey pale in comparison to another nagging feeling. ive written this blog six ways to sunday, never with a good result. i keep deleting it. which, i guess, is what im doing with the feeling. deleting it. over and over, hoping it will go away. and its not. but before i get to that, many things are picking away at me that leads me to this feeling.

my phone never rings. okay it occasionally rings. but whenever it does, its my mother, my bff a, or my slightly compulsive summer roomie f. all of whom i love immensely. however, i just wish that it would ring with someone else on the other end. my phone does plenty of other tricks. it vibrates. it beeps. it dings. it blinks. none of which signify a phone call. i could cover all four walls of my bedroom with bbms and texts. and i have beat this subject to death before, so i wont do it again - but really? is it that difficult to place a call? and to further that point... what, for the love of god, is the point of making plans you dont intend to keep? yes, before you say anything, i am full aware that i am infamous for missed plans. i tend to make them, then find something id much rather do. like sleep. or eat. or do something much more fun with my girl friends. theyre usually a part of the "what id rather do than go on a date with you" category. however, i feel it is no bueno when this plan-breaking happens to me. at least i have the decency to come up with a lame ass excuse for the missed plans or the no call/no show i sometimes pull. and honestly, its a waste of my time. if i was really that interested, wouldnt i show? and yes, i am completely contradicting myself. but suck it. this is how i feel. if this was the blog for what everyone else feels, then they could speak. but alas, its mine. so while i know it is not mature or acceptable to make plans i half ass intend to follow through on, i really loathe it coming from the opposite party. and what is with guys lately? have they always been this flaky? or is this some new tactic to lure the hunnies? please do not send me an embarassingly big display of flowers to my job on valentines day, text me in the morning on my way to work almost every day, and call sporadically... then just STOP. and please do not finagle my information through friends of friends, ask to take me out when youre in town on business, make out with me in a public place... then just STOP. and while i could probably go on for hours, you get the point. i dont get it. what was the point of starting any of it? these random relationships (for lack of a better word) are tapering at the oddest times. it just makes no logical sense. oh, you liked me yesterday but today youre over it? what. ev. er.

and the sad fact is, i really dont care about any of these people. if they were to keep calling/texting, id be annoyed. if they asked me to make plans, id feign others. so why am i annoyed? who the hell knows. i told you i was having a day. but i feel like at the stage i am right now, i need these people. they keep me busy and sane. and help me to take the focus off other pressing issues. its almost as though its better that i dont care about them, because its like mindless fun. there is no stress or worry there. when i really think about it, i almost hope they dont like me. and by god, if they could really the horrendous things i write, i think id solidify that. a made a good point the other night. "out of sight, out of mind" is the man motto for 2010 i think. its all well and good if im at the forefront of their mind. if visions of me are dancing around in their head. but when they go for long periods without seeing my smashing beauty, its all over. and really, who could blame them? [anyone catching the sarcasm of these statements? anyone? bueller?]

which brings me to the point. if there actually is one? i think i should follow the "out of sight, out of mind" motto. make it my own. i will not be sending any messages/calls in the direction of the gentlemen in my life. and if i receive any, i am ignoring them. hard as it may be, i will wait for my phone to ring. and if it doesnt, so be it. the lack of voice to voice (and face to face) communication is getting ridiculous. and more specifically, there is a certain someone i should keep out of my sights and mind for at least the near future. i shouldnt get ahead of myself, but summer is rapidly approaching. and our beach house is quite small for the amount of chaos this mess could stir up. in fact, id go so far as to say the entire island may not hold it. the unfortunate fact is that among all these suitors that arent, hes actually the only one i enjoy. and i thoroughly enjoy him, be that as it may. in the past, meetings were few and far between. always with the same result. always with this same feeling. but the communication in between was nonexistent. therefore nixing any and all options of what would come next. however, i am in a whole different ballgame now. one in which im unsure of how i feel. or maybe im not unsure. im just not willing to deal with how i feel. and how i shouldnt feel. and where exactly it will leave me in a month. which worries me. so instead of putting myself in the worlds worst scenario, i will instead delete the thoughts. over and over. like the numerous messages i will be receiving, im sure.

the era of the wheat bread

you may be thinking ive officially gone off the deep end. wheat bread, huh. ive dedicated an entire blog to the worlds most boring food? or maybe im finally curbing my carb-tastic diet? pshhh cmon. i know i am one of the few people out there who still says no to wheat bread. i just cant help it. dont get me wrong. if i happen to grab the wrong lunch from the fridge and end up with turkey on wheat, ill eat it. honestly, what wont i eat? but i wont enjoy it! its not like the worst food ever, its just...blah. and do not even get me started on the kind with the nuts and seeds in it. woof.

this brings me to my comparison. theres a point, i promise. when referring to a certain gentleman the other day, i compared his personality to that of a slice of said wheat bread. probably not the nicest thing ive ever said, but (if you know me at all) also not nearly the meanest. hes not mean-hearted, unintelligent, or annoying, just boring. keeping in mind, his accent is to dieee for. i could honestly close my eyes and listen to him say nonsense things for hours. and it doesnt hurt that hes a phenom kisser. however, part of me thinks that i should stop looking at these absurdly random positive factors, and concentrate on the fact the he is about 25% of the guy im looking for. but im stopped by the much larger part of me that thinks im being too critical. he is, in fact, quite a man-catch. he has what i often refer to as the mr. right trifecta [job. home. car... for those of you not yet familiar]. and we have a very brief, somewhat stilted, history. and if im being completely honest with myself, which im so not good at, i would have to admit that my best foot has not quite been put forward. dont worry, debbie downer has left the building. i will not bash myself, i know im a catch. but i agree with the fact that until you really get the opportunity to know someone, you are given small glimpses into their life. and unfortunately for my current situation, those snapshots show a little more of my wilderness. some extra vodka here, a little crazy dancing there, throw in a public display of overaffection with a stranger, and there you have it. a very distorted picture of my life. its not me. but its damn close to what he knows of me. so in reality, this quite mature boy/man may not have seen even close to the 100% of the established woman hes looking to spend his time with. which brings me back to the ever popular "you shouldnt throw stones if you live in a glass house" mantra. cliche, but so true!

and this "wheat bread" theory does not just apply to this mister. i can really use it to refer to them all. and by all, i mean the somewhat interesting bits and pieces of guys in my life right now. its far too late in the evening for this wordsy woman to attempt any form of math, especially that of percentages. however, upon stretching my number brain (with the help of my bff a - who found herself contemplating these very same thoughts) i came to the conclusion that a combination of all these fellas would equal the 100% im looking for. in layman's terms, if i could build mr. right from the randoms floating around my love life, id be golden. married in months. until next time, ill be dreaming of big j's accent, combined with b's humor, coupled with j's generosity, and l's conversation, all in the physical package of new j. and obviously, thats not an option. but god, wouldnt it be fab?

baby im [amazed]

see what happens when you start the day with a fresh outlook? my selfless friend c must be pushing her luck with the man upstairs, because her car wouldnt start this morning. so another awesome coworker r dropped her son off early and swung back to pick me up. talk about vip. who knew you could valet your car and be chauffered to work in delco? during homeroom, i got five hellos, two whats ups, five good mornings, one i like your hair todays, and one how was your weekend. more than the average monday, ill tell ya that. i laughed with two of my classes. throughout the day, kids were really interacting with the poetry. students who usually dont volunteer were opening up about personal experiences. and theyre all really "getting" it. read across america plans fell into place easily. my kids are maturing before my eyes, all very excited to help third graders read and write seuss-like poems. the support system at my school came out in full force today, with offers of rides to and from school, coveted parking spots, and an after-school cocktail whenever needed. my principal gave me the number of "his car guy" so i can get an estimate, as well as the administration parking space he utilizes and good money news from his connections at the district (no comment, a). there was no traffic on my ride home. a day that started quite cold actually got pretty warm, especially given the influx of wintry mix in this area. i came home to blt's for dinner, yummo. and i mailed the check for our st patrick's day beach house.

but heres the [best of the best] part: were technically in our third week of collecting change for the leukemia and lymphoma society's annual pennies for patients charity. 100% of the money raised goes to affected children and their families. last year my school raised $800. its supposed to be a three-week collection period - 15days. with all the snowdays, weve been collecting for over a month. this week is the last. since c and i are co-chairing student council, weve announced it every morning on the intercom, sent home flyers and cute little collection boxes to the primary grades, and talked it up at each grade level, turning it into a schoolwide competition. theres a huge thermometer hanging in the cafeteria that showed our $1000 goal and our progress towards it. i also got the word out to the daycare center who rents our gymnasium (which is one of fifteen branches in the area) and sent flyers to their corporate office. they cut us a check for $545.31 on top of what my school raised. wow! whichhh is already way past our goal. so, even in the midst of everything thats going on, my kids continue to amaze me with their selflessness and willingness to give, when i know they dont have very much. and to remind me yet again of how very lucky i am.