[my] clean blanket

"tomorrow i start with a clean blanket."

[linus van pelt - charlie brown comics]

i consider myself very lucky to have found a kindred spirit in my induction mentor c. it helps that she teaches (and loves) middle school language arts, devours books by the day and enjoys the relaxation of a weeknight martini. but more than that, she has so many qualities of a great teacher and friend. i learn from her everyday and continue to cherish the time we spend together. though this year it seems the positive moments at school are few and far between, i can attribute most to situations where c was present. for my birthday, she made a bigger deal than was necessary. and the gift she gave me has made life just a little bit easier. the mug she gave me features a cartoon drawing of linus and snoopy, with the infamous blue blanket. written on the inside of the mug is the above quote. there is no way c could have known about what would happen recently. but this is what i mean. she just is this wonderful person. its almost as if she knows what i need before i need it. im very lucky shes a part of my life. with everything that has happened this year, and especially in the last week, its becoming difficult to go along like everything is normal. its getting harder to get out of bed and go to work. i used to look forward to the beginning of the week, and im starting to resent mondays. im hoping this feeling will pass, and the pain and insecurity will become more dull as time goes on. but until then, i am trying to start each day with a clean blanket. to wipe the slate clean and know that certain elements of my life are out of my control. i need to focus on what i can and do my best to work through this. so with another monday looming, and the knots in my stomach growing by the minute, i feel as though i need to take a step back. to start tomorrow, and everyday, with a clean blanket. thank you c, for believing that i am strong enough.

god grant me...

completely numb. that will be my answer from now on. when anyone asks me how im feeling, that is what ill say. its the best way to describe what i feel right now. if i really try to weed through the fog of numbness, im sure i could locate hurt, sadness, anger, heartbreak, frustration, hopelessness, pity and depression among other things. but whats the point? none of that will help me get through this. there are many stages to grieving. and people do it all the time. like when they lose loved ones or when relationships end. but how about for those moments that change your life in other ways? just because you didnt lose someone close to you, doesnt mean you shouldnt grieve. but are the rules different? am i allowed to mourn the loss of my passion the same way i would a boyfriend of five years? i dont know. i just know that in everything thats happened in the last two years, nothing has made me feel like this.

i wish i could be stronger. if i was a better person, i could do this. i would. i would forgive the child who did this, who really doesnt know any better and has never been taught. but i cant. i would forget it ever happened, chalk it up to a meaningless event that just made me stronger. but i cant. i would understand that some things are out of my control, that i cant raise these kids to know right from wrong. but i cant. i would realize that there are not enough hours in the day to undo all the damage their parents have caused, that i couldnt find the time in the world to solve all their problems. but i cant. i would be able to let go of this hatred and this anger thats burning me up, this inability to feel bad. but i cant. and i think thats the worst part. i feel so angry and spiteful about the whole thing. ive tried a million different ways to see it. and all i have is this horrible feeling of contempt. i cant get over it. its like everything i preach everyday to these kids is a joke. i tell them not to fight, or steal, or lie, or cheat. i ask them to think of others feelings and actions, before lashing out. i try to get them to understand the consequences of holding on to all those negative emotions, and about how it can destroy you. i attempt to convince them to stop saying and thinking hurtful things about one another, and try to resolve issues instead. and what kind of a teacher am i, if i cant even follow my own advice.

and after everything thats changed about me, and how much differently i feel now, this is making me very quickly lose it all. in the matter of two days, im drifting back to who i was before. i cant even believe im saying this, but i almost dont care. whats the point. if i have no support, and no matter what i do nothing changes, and nothing gets better, and theres no discipline and no consequences, and everythings been in such shambles all year, then why bother. i might as well do what the rest of the burnt out teachers in my district do. ill teach to the test. ill pump the kids full of useless information that will help them get a score. help them earn us money. help them do exactly whats asked, and forget it days later because its not realistic. none of this is me. i love what i do. i used to wake up every morning, excited about the day to come. interested in the material, enjoying the rapport with the students, excited to find out new things, anxious to see what worked and what could get better. now, i dont. and i feel like a terrible person. im nothing without my passion. and right now, i just dont know how to get past all this and get it back. its almost easier to stay numb.

delightful delivery :)

im pretty sure i have the flu. im totally broke. my car needs gas - again. both of my exbfs felt it necessary to contact me this weekend. i had to ride the whole way to school with a dead ipod and corny talk radio. im at the beginning of another school week. i got three hours of sleep last night. i am currently in possession of a curling iron that heats up when it wants to. and my lips are chapped. i hate when my lips are chapped.

but lets put things into perspective. how bad can your day really be . . . when at noon, you get a call from the front office saying theres a delivery for you. and instead of the five literature textbooks you ordered last week and have been expecting, you get these?

little blurry. terrible at taking bberry pictures. and obvi my sister k "likes it." but in case youre wondering, theyre the size and weight of max when he was two. and gorgeous. now, wouldnt it be fab if i could get a surprise like this everyday? sure. but then it wouldnt be so special. so for now, ill just sit back and enjoy it. wonder what comes next. and maaaybe stare at them til i fall asleep!

no more mrs. bad guy

someone always has to be the bad guy. someone has to apologize. to be wrong. to admit that maybe they overreacted. to take the fall. to give in first. to comfort the other person, even when you dont want to. in any type of relationship. but nothing will ever work if the same someone is always the bad guy.

people do things everyday. some good, some bad. but all who make them who they are.

they do things they regret - like hookup with your stupid cousin. once. ok maybe twice. in high schoooool (does anyone not realize the significance of this? who did you not make out with in high school? honestly, most of my friends were making out with half the baseball team. [loveyou homegirls] isnt that the point? between high school and college...youve got to get it out of your system before marriage, right?)

they test the waters - like dating someone you kinda sorta maybe almost knew last summer when you were with your roomates sisters at a party and you were beer pong partners. really?! it does not count. you are not friends. you do not socialize unless in a large group. you would not call him to hit a bucket of golf balls. you would not invite him over to play video games. just because someone lives and breathes the same human air on the same coast of a big freaking country as you does not mean he is off-limits. he is free game! and for the record, if you have no factual information about what happened on said "dates" with said "everyone" then you should probably shut it. because contrary to this fairy tale world you live in where every date ends in a sleepover, this very much single woman is taking her ass home to bed. her own bed. (almost) every time.

they live in small towns- where yes, as they say, everyone knows everyone. they do associate with your family and friends on a regular basis. but that is because they are not the ones wearing whore blinders. they actually see a good, respectable, hardworking woman when they see one. and they enjoy her company. because she is charming and smart and funny. and does not take your shit. so instead of harping on what a terrible person she is to the very core of her soul, you should maybe listen to the voices who mean the most to you. they are not stupid, nor are they lulled into a belief stupor about how much of a catch you are. they see the "good thing" train as it speeds by you on the tracks.

they have relationships, and they cheat - which i cannot dwell on because it is neither desirable, nor acceptable. it breaks my heart and forces me to yet again swallow the pit in my throat that has not, and im pretty sure will not, go away. i dug my own grave. and i know that. but if you were the person there lending me a shovel, you have no room to talk. what you should make room for, is yourself. in that hole. down there with me where you belong. and i will continue this cliche juuuust a little longer to say that you have no right to stand above that hole, throwing the dirt down into it with your vicious words and assumptions. you have no right to put yourself to a higher standard and judge. you were there too. youre just as wrong. were the same. except i actually know i was wrong. and im sorry for that.

people make mistakes. you need to be mature enough to get over them. you need to be responsible enough to take credit for your own. you need to be held accountable for the things you say and the way you make people feel. someone once said that in order to give your love to someone else, you have to first love yourself. well if you cant even get to that step, then how can you ever truly make someone else happy? at the point i am now, im nowhere close to that. i know i have redeemable qualities. i know that i can make (and have made) the people i love very happy. but i cant do that in the state im in. i cant do that when im constantly being told what huge mistakes ive made and what a bad person i am. im not proud of anything ive just said. im also not proud that written in my journal, are about fifteen different versions of this same speech. and im especially not proud that its the speech ive been giving myself for nine years.
god, youd think with an outburst like that, id be stupid not to listen to myself. and thats exactly how i feel. stupid. for believing in something so much that its clouded my judgement for this long. for making excuse after excuse for completely inexcusable behavior. for creating this picture that everyone wanted to see. for hiding the really bad stuff so it would make the mildly good stuff look better. for ignoring the words, from the simple snide remarks to the truly hurtful digs. for just being so completely and utterly blind to the situation at hand.

but im done. beating myself up. the only place to go from here is up. and while, im clearly not perfect, and i cant promise anything, i really am trying. i dont need this. i never have. and its about time i realize that. so before this becomes a rags to riches tale of awakening, i need to remember why im here. staring at what looks like a billion words that seemed to come out of nowhere in a matter of minutes. i am not always the bad guy. in most of my life, i am not the victim. i refuse to be. it needs to bleed into everywhere, even this. and what better time to start, than now. ive done alot of apologizing over the last few days. to myself for being a rag doll. to my friends and family for listening to my soap opera and offering the same advice theyve given me for years. to someone who didnt deserve an apology in the first place. to my students and coworkers for my lack of attention span. and in the last nine years, ive never once heard a heartfelt "im sorry." and maybe what brought me to this point is the fact that i cant, for the life of me, figure out why that was okay for so long.

whisper words of wisdom

and when the broken hearted people

living in the world agree.

there will be an answer, let it be.

for though they may be parted,

there is still a chance that they will see.

there will be an answer, let it be.

sometimes you just have to let it be. people come into your life. and they leave. things happen that you couldnt have ever predicted. and there are moments you saw coming from a mile away. sadness and loss hit you hard. but your heart feels as though it may burst with love and pure joy. you lose the people you love. but gain new loves. you win. and you lose. you get the chance to do what you love. but you miss out on opportunities. you rush through life. and you live certain moments as if they are an eternity. life is full of so many ups and downs. and so much of that truly is out of your hands. as the resident control freak around here, letting go of that comfort is not something im used to doing. or something i like to do, for that matter. but i think its about time.

lately, i have started to let go. to just let things be whatever they are. and its weirdly working. dont get me wrong, im not convinced. you wont catch me spinning around barefoot in the fields, enjoying the musical stylings of jimi hendrix while i drink wheat grass shakes. not on your life. im still the very tightly wound young woman you know (and love, right?!). but ive been trying to distinguish that which i can change and that which will forever be out of my control. and slowly but surely, i am taking the deep breath out to let some things go. never thought id hear myself say that.

my biggest struggle is with my heart. my head has a very clear picture of what is feasible and whats just flat out ridiculous. but there seems to be a disconnect. they just arent agreeing with one another. and being the hopeless romantic that i [still] am after all thats changed in my life, i tend to lean more towards the heart end of things. ive never been very good at hiding my feelings. or making them go away. which would explain my current predicament. so for now, im trying to let it be. whatever that means. while i feel there is no letting this situation be, im willing to try. what im not willing to do, is put my life on hold for something i still cant rely on. and until im actually confident with this, ill be replaying the words over and over again in my head. it has to work eventually, right?