all the mamas who profit dollas

there are many people in my life who are extremely easy to read. i can tell when my sister thinks i look homeless in the outfit ive chosen for school. i can tell when my mom thinks i should probably not eat another helping of mashed potatoes. i can tell when my dad is disappointed that im going out on a school night. i can tell when my best friend is annoyed with my whining. i can tell when certain guys are feeding me total bullshit, thinking im eating it up. i can tell when my grandparents are extremely proud of me. i can tell when my kids think im funny, or even the slightest bit cool. maybe its because i know them so well. im sure they can read me just as easily. im not too terrific at hiding how i feel or what i think.  

but i often wonder what goes through the minds of a certain few individuals.  i struggle to figure it out, no matter how many times i try. one individual in particular has had me stumped for many years. one would think, in order to spend this much time hemming and hawing over a situation that isn't, there needs to be some emotional involvement. but when all signs point to the contrary, whats a girl to do? for the probably bazillionth time, im at the end of my rope. im throwing in the towel. im cashing in my chips. im sticking a fork in it. im at the eleventh hour. im... the worlds most corny person for knowing all of those cliches for being dunzo. IM OVER IT. why is it so easy to say but not do?

i pride myself on being a strong, independent woman. ok, maybe not quite independent like the destinys child song, strutting around, waving my hand, yapping about how i dont need nooobody, sister. but independent in the sense that i am completely comfortable with my thoughts. or a long hot bath. or a great book. or the sound of my ipod. or the feel of a beach breeze. i dont need to be around people constantly. trust me, when you listen to 113 seventh graders nonstop for six hours a day, that long car ride home is a blessing. sometimes i drive in complete silence and listen to myself breathe. just because i can hear it. i can be alone. if my relationship with d has taught me anything, its just that. there were more periods of time than id like to remember that i was left to myself. throughout the course of that four years,  there were breakups and makeups and fights and lengthy periods of the silent treatment. im ok with being independent. i can do it. this last six months has really brought that home to me. i can do this. what i dont like about this newfound independence, is the uncertainty. because while i say i am strong and i am independent, i dont feel it. i dont believe it. dont get me wrong, i am enjoying myself to the full extent of my singledom. i am truly living the dream. i am spending way more time with family and friends than i have in the recent past. i have the time and energy to work smarter, not just harder. i am doing more things for me, because i want to, not because someone else does. i truly am happier. i know its the right decision.

but im not 100% confident in myself. there are still the little "lingerers" - those feelings i cant shake. although i am moving on and making progress in my love life that isnt, im timid. i doubt myself. can i partake in a successful relationship? do i even want to? or do i just want to know that, when the time comes and im ready, it will be something that works? am i looking for the wrong things? am i even looking? am i purposely choosing situations that prevent me from looking? im working through it day by day, but with the drama of 2010, im struggling. i am currently in the midst of juggling quite a few situations im not prepared to handle. the situation is... im overwhelmed with situations. and i just dont have a damn bit of a clue what to do about them. im extremely flattered to be stuck in this mess. and im trying to just enjoy the ride. if only a certain someone (or two) would hop off the rollercoaster. id much appreciate that.