nmw for life

i spent the weekend visiting my bff e. shes one of those people that time or distance dont change. we realized weve been friends for ten years. throughout that time, weve been at polar opposite ends of the friendship spectrum. inseperable, spending close to every waking moment together. and nonexistent, being too busy or far to even speak for weeks at a time. but no matter what, we pick right up where we left off. im lucky to have quite a few people in my life with that kind of friendship. as you grow older, i think its exactly what you need. lives change, people move, relationships happen, jobs interfere, and plans are made. if those people are central enough to your life, you keep them. in whatever shape they come. but being with those friends reminds me of just how much hasnt changed.

as i was leaving, e gave me a composition book. but this is not just any notebook. its the "note notebook." our totally unnecessary but addicting line of communication from highschool. my junior year i believe. and while its mostly the rants and raves of the men, ahem boys, in our lives, its also really incredible. it chronicles one of the most pivotal years in my life. i know, im only 24. how can i even have a pivotal year? but if i did, that was definitely it. its the year i got my license, the year i brought my little sister into the world of high school, the year i lost a friend because of a stupid mistake i made (and spent way too long to take responsibility for), the year i decided what i wanted to do with the rest of my life, the year i read my alltime favorite book, the year i broke my entire left foot. and here it is folks, admitting for the [blog]world to see, the year i fell in love.

there are many recurring themes in the note notebook. the boys, boys and more boys. weekend plans. daily high school gossip. girls we hated the most that week. discussion of the work we should have been doing. and the fact i cant hide when its staring me in the face from eight years ago, the drama that was my first real love. in the words of the original (and way better) willy wonka, its all there, black and white, clear as crystal. i even cringe now. honestly, its difficult to type. i keep stutter typing [is that a term?], backing up and erasing it over and over. its like, even when i dont say it out loud, i hate having to admit to myself just how much it meant to me. how much it still means. and about how, after all this time, i still dont have the first idea what to do about it. ive been trying to write about it for a while now. and even this time, its not working. i feel like i have a pretty good hold on my life. my career. my family. my friends. my future. my everything. at least, everything but this. ugh. its just yucky, thats all.