hey jealousy

ok heres the deal. i have a hangover. who knows what that means? doesnt that mean youre drunk? nooo. it means i was drunk yesterday.  [jack black school of rock]


on the flip side, had the most fun last night. a reunion of old roomies from what is probably one of the best summers of my life. havent seen each other in awhile, especially not all together. very nice to know that time, distance, and life havent changed much. when youre living in a college town, summers are very interesting. you see a totally different crowd of people. the feeling is much more laid back, throughout the entire town. you get to know the local culture. you start to feel like you really belong there. like its your home. also, you have a ridiculous amount of free time without classes. which leads to some very memorable times. we were very big on dancing. like, learning dances. and bringing them out during after-bar parties at our house. always a big hit. needless to say, there was alot of dancing, a couple boxes of wine, a huge amount of laughter. and i walked away with the proud accomplishment of now knowing the hannah montana hoedown throwdown dance. i know. youre jealous. but fabbbbulous news: my exroomie j now lives in arizona with her bf, who proposed tonight! super exciting! we figured out last night that it was coming today. theyre home to see the family for the first time in a year. fancy dinner planned. all that jazz. ah! theyve talked plans for awhile, wedding in az. which means, vacation! through the entire time ive know j, shes had a rough time with boys. always picking the losers. the ones who dont appreciate how much she rocks. and finally with s, shes so super happy. and i couldnt be happier for her.

that being said. . . im jealous. there, i said it. i feel like a terrible person for being jealous, but i am. would i want to take away her happiness? not in a million years. do i wish i had the same? obviously. i feel like a total jerk for even saying this, but sometimes its hard to just be happy for someone else when you want what they have so badly. so many of my friends are in committed relationships, engaged or married. and dont get me wrong. i love it. what more could you want than for the people you love most to be happy? but is it wrong to want the same for yourself? i just feel like this time last year, my life was headed in a completely different direction. i had a plan. i had the makings of a life, of a future. and now im back to square one. how do you just start over? im still trying to pick up the pieces of the life i had. shouldnt i be throwing those pieces out and starting fresh? how can i do that when everday, i just want what i had before? i feel like i was so close. and the rug was just swept out from under me. its hard rebuilding from there. i felt so lost. and honestly, i still do. i was a part of someone else for so long, i dont know how to just be me anymore. im trying to get myself back. and trying to find someone new. and maybe im not. part of me likes being alone. and i know im not ready to move on completely to something new. i know i should continue having freedom and fun. testing whats out there. but a bigger part of me is totally heartbroken and i dont know what to do about it. im so confused about how i feel. its like i dont even know myself. i wonder if i really miss d and what we had. or if i just miss that stability and that comfort of knowing someone is there, no matter what. how can i know why i miss us? i feel like if it was him i missed and needed, i would hurt alot more at the thought of being without him. so maybe its just the security blanket i cant wrap myself in anymore. but with each passing day, i become more bitter about it. and its harder to watch the people in my life building and building on what they have while i feel like im standing still. and i dont want to be this way. its not fair to those people. they have given me nothing but support and concern and heartfelt happiness for me, in good times and bad. and they deserve nothing less from me. i feel like im stuck. i need to figure all of this out. and i just want it to stop.