just keep swimming

drowning. its my biggest fear.

for as long as i can remember, the idea of being completely submerged frightens the living daylights out of me. im not sure when it happened, or why, but im deathly afraid of water. i cant swim and ive never been quite sure if that is a result of this fear or just supplemental to the reasons why. i took lessons, at a locally renowned place. i remember holding my nose in the bathtub and ducking underwater to practice. i can even picture the pool, from the smells to the sounds, as if it were yesterday. my heart clenches everytime i think of the dreaded deep-end test, where some lifeguard on a power trip made me tread water for two minutes. i still feel like those two minutes lasted a lifetime.

and thats where it gets blurry. somewhere in between my bubble bath escapades and now, something changed. i own approximately 30 bathing suits, none of which see much water time. and the sight of the ocean as a whole takes my breath away. i havent stepped foot in a pool in ages and im still weirdly afraid ill fall asleep in the tub, submerging myself into doom. i thought id get over it. thought id learn to swim. thought that one day id walk smack into the water and turn into a jellyfish. thought my heart wouldnt start beating a mile a minute at the thought of being dunked. no dice.

and, bear with me, this is where it starts to get worse. i went to the carwash with my sister k and friends the other day. and sitting in the car, listening to the water slosh against the sides, i made the mistake of looking out. it was like my worst fear realized. all i could see was water. out every window. crashing down onto the sunroof. growing louder and faster with each second. something was said and i snapped out of it. but not before noticing my clammy hands, my echoing heartbeat, my catch in breath. what was i so afraid of? what is it about drowning that i just cant seem to get over?

so i started thinking. its more than just drowning. its the feeling of helplessness. the realization that a mere minute ago, i had control. and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. and theres probably not a damn thing i can do to get it back. its the feeling of loss. of everything thats swirling down the drain with me as i go. its like i can watch and catalogue it, but never reach out to grasp it and make it mine again. its the feeling of want. that aching need for breath, for safety, for comfort. for the calm i felt just minutes before. its as if so many thoughts and feelings are going through my head at once, and nothing is clear.

well, maybe one thing is. im drowning. i may not be underwater, running out of breath. but i am most certainly drowning. there is no end in sight, no easy solution, no fast fix. there is no way to stop it or hop off the train. so im trying to push on and get better. for lack of a better analogy, and because i just dont have the strength right now, im trying to swim through this. because there is no other way. it feels like everytime the light breaks through, that big hand of fate comes through the water and crowns my head, pushing me further down without letting me get any air. im just hoping someday soon ill reach the surface. because im running out of air.