the world of hookups

i recently read an article about "how to find love in a world of hookups" that opened my eyes to many valid points. it started by being openly honest about the ridiculousness of the 1990's ultimatum boom. now, ive been known to throw an ultimatum out there in my day. is it right? no. but it works. i feel like this is mostly due to the fact that im quite the wordsmith and its remarkably easy for me to twist the idea in ways that make it seem that the "ultimatum" was actually the other persons incredible idea. and then its just wee little me, agreeing with said idea. and for many women, the ultimatum works. men either know theyre putting a ring on it or watching it walk away. but im impressed by the fact that this article refutes the cliche of ultimatums, forcing women (and men) to take accountability for their own role in a relationship. or hookup. it goes on to say what we all know is true. although many are settling down, most young adults are taking their time. it is no longer a requirement for a woman to be wifed (and knocked) up and barefoot in the kitchen of her first home at the ripe young age of 22. people are taking longer to find love, cultivate it slowly and surely, and settle down.

which, in the current midst of my quarter life crisis in which i envision myself in my old maid rocking chair feeding my bazillion cats in the next few years, i find very soothing. without repeating the saga you know all too well, i was ultimatum girl about a year ago. it still shocks me that im weeks away from being single for an entire year. july 11, and yes im a freak for knowing the exact date but i intend to throw myself a single ladies party complete with personal bottle of patron that day, in order to completely and utterly forget the love story that wasnt. but at this point last year, i was full of the "what ifs." i was probably either contemplating or in the midst of yet another talk about when i would be sporting a rock. unfortunately, and i cringe at my own neediness of this event, many of these talks were being had with my significant other. who was notttt feeling it. was he still in love with me at that point? probably. was i subconsciously doing everything in my power to revoke that love? ohhh yea. for all of you throwing stones right now, remember that you were probably ultimatum girl at some point. she is needy, insecure, uncomfortable, and basically a babbling mess of tears and unfulfilled dreams. shes not a pretty picture, but shes real. and i can honestly say, if i were to go back and do it all again, i would still be her. i was at a dark point, knowing that it was a last ditch effort. i think i knew full well we werent going to be together forever. i might have even known we wouldnt make it through our lease. but i wasnt ready to let go of that vision. i immaturely thought that letting him know just how badly i wanted to fix it, and just how happy id be with a ring, and just how heartbroken i would be without him, and just how sorry he would be if he lost me, that maybe hed get it. 

its one of those out of body experiences. like watching a movie, starring your own pitiful self. and sometimes you need to seriously look at yourself and throw that girl out. who needs her? i was not half of a person when i met him. i was whole. and sooner or later, i would become whole again. which brings me to the actual point. the article does not say anything about exboyfriends or engagement rings, but it did make me think about the person i was when i was with d. weirdly enough, i was all set to play stepford wife, complete with bouffant hair and paisley apron. just because that was what was expected.  i was failing to look around at the bazillions of young people around me just living. i was already a 50year old woman, trapped by the confines of my unhappily married life. at the time, i thought that was who i wanted to be. now i realize its not. im not knocking my tons of married/engaged/pregnant friends. this works for many people! and who knows, if i were with someone else in a different situation, it may have worked for me too. but i was in it for the wrong reasons.

and this is where the article gets really good. i have now dealt with the "love" piece and will move on to the obviously more fun part, the "hookup." the casual hookup has gotten a bad reputation over the years. meeting a guy in a bar was a no no. and the major reason why i loved this article is, it asks why not?  there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. do i think ill find my husband when im drinking a lemonade dinner at the sunday jam? or when my feet are caked in bar sludge? or when im knee deep in the most banging late night pizza in the history of the world? doubtful. but its highly possible that i will meet someone who is just as drunk and giddy as i am. and probably interested in having a good time. i know i know, you all have these life changing stories of about sixty million people who have found love in a bar, have met their soul mate at happy hour, or have given the chance to the poor schmuck enjoying a post-bar snack next to them on a park bench. and maybe it happens. but in order for someone to actually create something meaningful from these situations, there needs to be some amount of work. being a currently active member of what was a casual hookup, i found the rest very interesting. its about being honest, first with yourself, and then with the other half of alleged hookup. it gives advice for both ends of the spectrum. and its mostly about talking - talking about what you need and want from the situation, talking not only with yourself but with the other person involved. and as a woman of many (and many many many many more) words, i find this piece very comforting. if theres one thing i can do without practice or planning, its talk. on one hand, if you truly are looking just for fun, speak your mind. let that lucky man piece know that its all youre interested in. dont talk about career goals, little sisters softball games, or that amazing recipe you tried last week. let him know, it is what it is. and if youre meeting the types of guys i currently am, this is music to their commitment-phobic ears. let him know what you like and dont like, and tell him if he doesnt do it, hes out. on to the next one? on the other hand, if you are looking for something more, again let him know. speak your mind or youll forever be biting your nails, wondering what hes thinking or where this is going. this right here, ladies, is the hard part. i usually know what i want. but its often difficult to get that out. but in honor of all of my wonderful friends and their stories of love found in the most random places, i will take the advice of this article and speak my mind. here goes nothing!