the real reason i wrote today was this. in the middle of todays conversation with a friend, he mentioned something in passing, totally nonchalant, that made my stomach drop clear to my knees. it wasnt a statement meant to send shock waves, or probably even meant to halt the conversation in any way. but it stopped me dead in my tracks. in actuality, he had just complimented me on my recent zen-like state. i attributed it to the fact that, as of the new year, immediately after quite a breakdown, i decided to let it be. it doesnt always work and im not always so free. but im trying. and as someone who has known me pretty well for a long time, he has seen me wound quite tightly. so this "new" me is still somewhat of a shocker to him. face it, it is to most people who know me. and i cant put my finger on why, or explain what caused this change. it just is. in the midst of this talk, i made a joke about this calm not lasting through the storm of the summer. and he made a joke about a situation i might find myself in, come end of summer, that would put me over the edge. it was meant to get a laugh out of me. and it should have. but instead, i found myself feeling like i had gotten the wind knocked out of me by a linebacker. which is the exact opposite response of a person who is not emotionally invested in a situation.
i tried to touch upon what was bothering me. and i found myself way off topic. probably on purpose. i know i dont have a monstrous following of loyal fans that read my blog. but what i have might be worse in this particular situation. i have loyal friends. who probably already know the facts im about to lay out. at least they think they do. but its much harder to admit. and i wonder and worry what theyll think. so heres to hoping they will chalk it up to the fact that im only human. and at least im honest.
i find myself at the beginning of what could be a very carefree summer. i am not tied down to anyone or anything. at this point last year, i was hanging on to the very loose threads of a longterm relationship. i was not thinking of how relaxing and fun my summer would be. i was counting the exact amount of no shower happy hours i would miss by being away from the beach. i was searching the web daily for a job, any job, that would pay my rent. once found, i was spending my days scouring websites and libraries and bookstores for any and everything to prepare me to teach an entire year of seventh grade. i had kids (to babysit) and pets (to feed) and a general tied down feeling. long story short, summer was not summer. it was just like stupid winter without snow. on the brink of a polar opposite version of summer, i find myself wanting to stand in my stairwell and shake myself silly like the girl in love actually. this is it. living feet from the beach, with a freezer full of love [aka vodka] and my best friends as roomies. the world at my fingertips. i cannot screw this up now.
i actually care. im not supposed to. i dont want to. but i do. i hate that i do. i hate that stupid ass f made my thoughts a jumble today. i hate that im obsessing right now and cant sleep even though i posted an intellectual blog earlier which should clear all thoughts. and i mostly hate that i cant figure out what i hate the most about this situation. its not an easy fix. and its not something that will go away either. so i can kick my own self in the face about my self-help choice blog from earlier. im making choices. that are probably not the right ones. and apparently are affecting me more than i thought. if i continue to make the same choice, am i the accomplice? am i the one who is letting it happen, over and over? who has already okay'ed the poor behavior so that it is a clear path to future indiscretions? of course the answer to all of those questions is yes. but youre not supposed to be nodding at this point. no agreement, my friends. i know its true. but i would appreciate a little trip to the no judgement zone from you. thanks. in the midst of this rave, i spoke with my good friend a. and she, of the glow in the dark silly bands and words of wisdom, let me know that, duh. these are things she already knew. as i predicted. such a mask of disguised emotions i am. im like a vault, i swear. which led me even further to believe that i need to make better choices. ones that i can sleep with. because apparently these are not allowing that same freedom. and, as always, she left me with advice to live by. and im going to borrow it. because its perfect. this man hits the nail on the head. especially for our summer. so here it is. from the mouth of bartender russell, "you need to be a little more sluttier. and when you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say 'today is the day for a new penis.' "
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