where is he?

i find that no matter how many romantic comedies, ladies nights, self-help quotes, chick-lit books, girl power anthems or conversations starting with "well that could be your boyfriend"  - it all comes down to the fact that this is just not how i saw it. because the way i saw it, there would be no need for any of that. i pictured my life at this juncture much differently, and i just cant come to terms with the fact that my picture is not a reality. nor a possibility. i guess maybe once i do, it will be much easier to move on. to let go. to be fine with myself, as i am, single or attached, whether everything else is figured out or not. and its not like im sad everyday. or i count the hours minutes seconds since us. or that i even wish for what was. but id be lying if i said none of it bothers me.

i dont want to be the 37 year old bride, happy to have finally found the one. i dont want to have wrinkles in my engagement pictures. to have people ask, "how old is she?" to analyze every wrong decision ive made in relationships for the 20 years before it finally worked. to hit that point and realize that maybe im settling. to plan a wedding when i should be watching my first child's kindergarten graduation. to spend the next fifteen years wondering when ill be wearing a ring.

i used to just worry. be a little nervous, anxious, unsure of when id find someone. lately its a different feeling. at the risk of sounding dramatic, its a much stronger feeling. beyond what i felt last summer. last year. last month. im scared. and its quite exhausting. im trying my best to channel charlotte york, and bypass this whole "ive been dating since i was fifteen. im exhausted! where is he?" moment. she wept, she waited, she won. granted, she traded in her christmas tree for a menorah and her hottie husband for a baldie (holla a!) but i can work with that. get me to the era of goldenblatt, please.