five years

yesterday would have been five years. yesterday i might have been wearing an engagement ring. yesterday  i might have been looking at houses. yesterday i might have been planning a wedding. yesterday i might have just been relaxing and basking in the love in my life. yesterday might not have been perfect or ridiculously romantic, but it would have been special.

instead, i spent yesterday in a tshirt drinking beer at a local bar watching fights. with k and a bunch of guys. [sidenote: if youre looking for a fella, a bar on ufc night is most definitely where you want to be. its a manfest!] was it terrible? no. i even met a guy who bought me drinks, made me laugh, and held my attention for a good hour. its doubtful that hes my future husband, or even someone ill date in the future, but it did take my mind off things. and im incredibly impressed with myself for not sobbing into the shoulder of said stranger about my five year un-anniversary. or texting d to see how he was handling the day. or if he even remembered. all in all, it was a pretty okay day. every time, and there were approximately fifty, the "what ifs" graced my thoughts i quickly pushed them out. but i need to admit to myself how much it bothered me. so there it is. i spent most of yesterday, wishing i could go back in time and fix whatever went wrong to leave me out of the situations i expected to be in yesterday. im not naive. i know that no matter what was fixed or done differently, i would still eventually end up where i am. and i should be thankful that im here today, and not another five years from now. but right now i cant. and hopefully soon i will. but for now i will just try to keep hoping. that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. my good friend a reminded me that it is this way for a reason, that there is a better love out there. lets just hurry that life along, fate. im starting to worry.