it takes a village

emily: how did you get here?

maya: lets say it took a village.

[pretty little liars]

ok, before you wish me back into blogging hiatus, let me explain. yes, pretty little liars is a show for teenage girls, based on a book series for teenage girls. but watch it once and i swear that somewhere between the high school lesbian love affair, unsolved murder, jobless mother with thousands of mystery dollars stashed in pasta boxes in her kitchen cabinets, and scandalous teacher/student relationship - youll be just as hooked as i am. waay to sassy for fox family if you ask me! that being said, the rationale behind this post came from the simple line above.

the ancient african philosophy "it takes a village to raise a child" has been written and rewritten about a bazillion times throughout history. and i just like it. there really is no deep meaning behind this post, except that i am stressed beyond belief due to upcoming state testing. its the most nauseating time of the year! so dear god, bring me that village. cause these kiddies need some raising. and i sure as hell feel like i cant do it alone right now. if you need me, ill be screaming into a pillow and thrashing wildly like a five year old on a sugar-crash induced temper tantrum regarding the color of her barbie's newest high heels. until approximately april 1st.

where is he?

i find that no matter how many romantic comedies, ladies nights, self-help quotes, chick-lit books, girl power anthems or conversations starting with "well that could be your boyfriend"  - it all comes down to the fact that this is just not how i saw it. because the way i saw it, there would be no need for any of that. i pictured my life at this juncture much differently, and i just cant come to terms with the fact that my picture is not a reality. nor a possibility. i guess maybe once i do, it will be much easier to move on. to let go. to be fine with myself, as i am, single or attached, whether everything else is figured out or not. and its not like im sad everyday. or i count the hours minutes seconds since us. or that i even wish for what was. but id be lying if i said none of it bothers me.

i dont want to be the 37 year old bride, happy to have finally found the one. i dont want to have wrinkles in my engagement pictures. to have people ask, "how old is she?" to analyze every wrong decision ive made in relationships for the 20 years before it finally worked. to hit that point and realize that maybe im settling. to plan a wedding when i should be watching my first child's kindergarten graduation. to spend the next fifteen years wondering when ill be wearing a ring.

i used to just worry. be a little nervous, anxious, unsure of when id find someone. lately its a different feeling. at the risk of sounding dramatic, its a much stronger feeling. beyond what i felt last summer. last year. last month. im scared. and its quite exhausting. im trying my best to channel charlotte york, and bypass this whole "ive been dating since i was fifteen. im exhausted! where is he?" moment. she wept, she waited, she won. granted, she traded in her christmas tree for a menorah and her hottie husband for a baldie (holla a!) but i can work with that. get me to the era of goldenblatt, please.

dear santa

with all the merriment of this holiday season, one would think it impossible for a person to be even a little down. news flash, hallmark. its possible. and very likely, if said person dwells on that which is not so merry. and what with this being a completely hypothetical situation, i wouldnt truly know what this poor unfortunate soul was going through. but i could venture a guess as to how she was feeling. so in honor of all that is good about the season, and in order to stay sane - shank you very much, ill attempt to create a list of 25 things even santa himself couldnt manage. because im telling you this, if a fat man dropped this motherload off at my house, id be joyous for eternity. in order for you to truly understand the quality of this list, lets just say if this was under my tree, it would cause me to spread enough cheer to make up for the people i was mean to in highschool. that much cheer. brace yourselves people (and possibly send this list to my future husband, just so he knows what hes in for). this is the ultimate christmas list - in no particular order. . .

1.  truffles, truffles and more truffles.
2.  "the best chrismukkah ever"episode of the oc, complete with seth cohen and ryan atwood on my doorstep
3.  christmas carols being sung live on a loop by the glee cast
4.  a boyfriend/fiance/husband - one that does not cheat, lie, or drink too much.
5.  a neverending case of 2001 orin swift's prisoner
6.  a free personal trainer
7.  a mac counter in my bedroom
8.  world peace (why not?)
9.  voice-activated itunes that dl's whatever i want for free, immediately upon hearing me say "i like that song"
10.  enough money to buy christmas gifts for all my students
11.  the cure for cancer, starting with all types of childhood cancer
12.  christian louboutin black pumps
13.  a beach house in downtown sea isle
14.  "the night they saved christmas" on dvd
15.  weezy rapping at my birthday party
16.  a box full of fresh fruit, all of which i can eat without going into anaphylactic shock
17.  a vodka fountain
18.  the ability to swim
19.  a driver - one that takes me too and from everywhere. and picks up my friends :)
20.  freedom from nailbiting
21.  big gran, in her kitchen, showing me how to make meatballs
22.  a closet full of things that would prevent me from ever saying "i have nothing to wear"
23.  another closet full of sharpie pens, post-its and random other nerdy school supplies i love
24.  a good left ankle
25. love, food, friendship, happiness, love, money, peace, family or _________ (fill in the blank with your wish) for everyone who needs it.

thoughtful & thankful

welp, yet again i have slacked in the "thankful" department. not to say that i havent been thankful, i just havent had the time to breathe, let alone post it. not so happy with myself, because im sure there are things im missing. but rehashing is actually giving me the chance to relive the thankfulness so i guess its all good :)

19: an incredible amount of support from coworker friends, old and new, when faced with an impossible situation. and getting thru it without casualties, ha.
20: a grrreat hair day, paired with a supercute new laceback LC sweater. found on sale!
21: relaxation.
22: my crazy great-aunts phyllis and viv. lenox christmas china.
23: the 2nd annual turkeybowl - and more importantly, the teachers not losing to a team of 8th graders again.
24: a mini-summer roomie reunion. james, the worlds most amazing cabbie for humoring us. the entire staff at the crowne (all of whom should get a raise). no one having to drive home on thanksgiving eve.
25: family/friends, zinfandel, justdance2, and mares fantabulous stuffing. and my 2nd successful thanksgiving without d.

after the storm

still in desperate need of the serenity prayer. but i am thankful for many things today.

tomorrow is friday, the end of an excruciatingly long week. detention ran smoothly, with an unexpected positive behavior showing from j. the mutual respect and hardwork was restored in room207. a very surprising choice of "words" not "drawings" present in my homeroom's journals when offered a free day. no arguments heard when readalouds were asked of many hesitant students, leading to participation at an alltime high. the funfilled kickoff to "900cinderellas"encouraged by the enthusiasm of the seventh grade. a somewhat issue-free observation (my first of four this year, due to new contract requirements). the fact that i almost forgot my boss was there, which must mean im doing something right :) a short but sweet dinner with friends. some awesome relationship and love-finding advice, compliments of my good friend l and patti stanger. yummy garlic knots which are impossible to make at home. a couple glasses of one of my favorite zins - gnarly head.

but most of all... a pleasant day after the storm that came after the calm - if that makes any sense. we had the calm, we had the storm. and then after the horror that was yesterday, today was nice. after i broke down (in front of my kids no less) i think they too realized we were at a wall. i sure felt like it. and to be honest, it felt nice to bring someone else into my sinking boat. even better, 27 someone elses. who helped make the holes. id say today was the day we realized we were all in that dinghy together, and we might as well do whatever we could to patch those holes. and i feel like things are better. so we will see. i think we could all use thanksgiving break. heres to coming back, fresh and relaxed, ready to take on the world again.

mindless meditation

today i am thankful for the serenity prayer. it has been running on constant loop, weaving itself through the insanity of my thoughts since this morning. and im not sure what i need most - the serenity, the courage or the wisdom. maybe all three.

spoke too soon

apparently im not quite as good as i thought at being thankful. or at least not at posting it daily. ha. here goes a little catchup -

11: the concentration level and effort of my students on the first "real" benchmark.
12: sleep. and lots of it.
13: catching up with an old friend. and surviving an awkward night.
14: our new friend bern, who taught us a fabulous dice game. and being at the beach.
15: not having the hangover i expected. and my good friend l for sending a picture message worth a thousand words. also, a 10% proficiency increase, booyah.
16: a facebook status with a quote that rings true to me - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

wish i could write something of substance. however, this large stack of UNgraded papers calls.

piece of cake [or pumpkin pie?]

this whole "being thankful" thing is quite easy. its the daily blogging that trips me up. i often fantasize about what it would be like to be such a sought-after writer, that i could be paid an embarassingly large amount of money to just blog everyday. and then i come back to reality and come to terms with the fact that id be fired, day2. i try, i really do. it just doesnt happen. so im yet again, catching up.

8: finding out that the 8th graders (my students from last year) entered the year at 90% proficiency in reading! wahoo!
9: the kids in my homeroom - again i know, for making mature and thoughtful decisions when i allowed them to choose their own class seats. baby steps :)
10: coworker s for joining me in the "land of misfit toys" and throwing herself into "our" kids as much as i do. i am lucky for her kindred spirit. also, my sister k for baking my three batches of muffins, knowing id be home too late to feel like it. oh and how dare i forget, baked macaroni for dinner. my favorite!

would love to stay and chat, as i am thoroughly enjoying my season of thankfulness, but im busy preparing for my favorite weeks of the curriculum year. did you know that there are over 900 published versions of the cinderella story? aha i bet not. so clearly i have my work cut out for me if i can accurately address this phenomenon.

wooed by the weekend

after spending a refreshing and relaxing weekend with an old friend, i found myself letting loose a little. i couldnt have predicted how good it felt to make the trip on whim, not have any definite plans, and leave hour upon hour to just live. i was sad to leave, but already looking forward to the next visit. with so many people coming into and out of my life, its nice to spend time with someone who knows me so well, even after all these years. it felt fabulous to have an unbiased opinion on many of the topics swirling through my everyday. and, as always, she was incredibly supportive and even made me crack a smile or two.

as more time passes, i find that i am looking more carefully at the things i am thankful for. and on a positive note, they are much more abundant than i had expected. i know im overlapping days here, but this weekend reminded me of how thankful i am for e's friendship. amongst other things...


4: the innocence of a kindergartner who thought her older brother in detention was my boyfriend. and a much-needed night to catch up with two of my best friends.
5: not a single room207 student being reprimanded once on the field trip. and as a result of that pent up energy, a picture that is worth way more than a thousand words (i cant remember the last time i laughed so deeply).
6: the sweet boy at the gas station washing my windows while i waited,without being asked. an amaaazing dinner at crush. finding a purple, childs small, ray lewis jersey instock and purchasing :)
7: a ravens WIN witnessed live in bmore. and the avoidance of a chance meeting with ex d that would most likely have done more damage than good. the extra hour of life gained by daylight savings. oh how i love you, roman clock.

with the start of a new week looming, i am confident that there will be an overload of things i am thankful for in the everyday. i just hope that they will carry me through the uncertainty.

one a day's

with all that is swirling around me, i am trying to keep perspective. since it is the season of giving and appreciating what you have, i plan to try my damnedest to stay positive. and the best way i know how, is as soon as i start to sliiiide down into that slump, i pick myself back up with all that is good about my life. and while it isnt perfect, there are way more than 25 things im thankful for. so this should be easy. i missed a few days, so i will attempt to backtrack. and moving forward, keep track of at least one thing i can say thank you for each day.

1: the boys in my homeroom, who stayed after school to pack up my things and chase/hunt/contemplate the trapping of a mouse that had taken residence in my classroom, while i sat on my desk and cried.
2: a short break from the bedlam of 7th grade, replaced by an inservice workshop that was actually useful and incredibly informative, not to mention new!
3: kind words from a coworker (in appreciation and acknowledgement of all the hard work ive put in schoolwide over the last few weeks) as well as an offer to help transport canned goods to a local shelter in the bed of a truck much larger than mine. also, on a totally unrelated subject - bruce springsteen's born to run on the radio, belting that out never gets old.

it will be a happy november :)