Monday, June 14, 2010
99 problems, and they all bitches.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
just six words?
legend says that my man ernest hemingway was asked to write the story of his life in under ten words. one version of the story places him in a bar, trying to scrounge together a way to pay off a lengthy bar tab. he apparently used his wit and writing skill to weasel his way out of that one. another version of the story says that he challenged a classy lunch table full of high caliber writers to ante up. and they balked. so into the pot went their $10 bills. winner takes all? he certainly did. still another version contains a lengthier version of hemingway's story, similar to a classified ad featured next to an article he wrote for a local paper. and unless were hopping in the delorean for the night with doc brown, we have no way of knowing what really happened. regardless, mission accomplished. he created something that he later called his best work. and what came from this urban legend is perhaps one of the most poignant and mysterious pieces of writing to this day:
excuse me, what? at first glance, the story makes no sense. but break it apart. its an advertisement. a person is trying to sell something they will no longer use. and by the looks of it, something they have never used. as far as ads go, this one seems pretty solid. think of yourself as an old school craigs list buyer. things are hardly ever new/unused. youve practically hit the jackpot. but have you? the simple, yet evocative story begs many questions. who is selling said shoes? is it a man, a woman, a couple? and why are they willing to sell the shoes? why dont they have any use for them? hemingway's story makes me absolutely mad with thoughts. on one hand, i believe this: he was often looked at as a remarkably mature writer, someone who had lived beyond his years. even at a young age, and early in his writing career, hemingway showed maturity in everything from his word choice to experiential nature. he wrote with the tenderness and wisdom of an old man who had seen and done quite a bit. many agree that his development as a writer did not follow a steep upward slope; he started out so advanced that there wasnt much room to build. that being said, i look at his "baby shoes" as the foundations of his writing career. he never needed to learn how to crawl and then walk. he started off at a run. he never felt the need to wear those baby shoes. he started right off with a pair of chuck taylors. high tops, preferably. and thats what i refer to as my "serendipity" version. its a lovely story, right? but most likely, its not the case. ernest hemingway was also looked at as a very dark writer. many of his novels and plays do not end with lines evoking the "happily ever after" feeling. people in his works often leave their families, fall out of love, get killed in wars, and generally live a life of loneliness and heartbreak. hes no edgar allan poe, but he gets deep with it. he has often been referred to as an emotion-squasher, for lack of a better word. he gives you all of the facts and events, and leaves you to weep on your own. many of his novels force the reader to look at the truth, when they would much rather sugar coat it or replace it with a much prettier version. and unfortunately, many believe that the baby shoes belonged to a baby, one who was never able to wear them. in almost all of hemingways writing, there is a sense of loss. the story i think is most likely true, sad as it may be, is about the loss of a child. his child maybe? in this version, hes selling the shoes because his child never got the chance to wear them. hes not only selling the physical shoes, but the memories of the child who would never walk in them. he was known to mask many emotions and push negativity aside, not dealing with his issues. so instead of dealing with this loss, he is pushing it away, selling it to someone who may be able to create better memories.
and now that ive officially depressed you all, theres a purpose! smith magazine took this phenomenon and turned it into an online contest. the contest to create a piece of flash fiction, following in the footsteps of ernest hemingway, led to a series of books. people from all over the world, in all walks of life, not separated by race or age or interest, famous and obscure, submitted entries. i find myself completely enthralled by this idea. i cant get enough of it. im a really big play on words person so this is like my dream read. and with the end of the school year rapidly approaching, grades already finalized, and a week left of trying to keep the mayhem to a minimum so my students dont tear the place apart, i thought i would give it a try. this week ive asked my students to try to create their own memoirs, in six words. i found a bunch of cool youtube videos that other schools put together, and i have all three books by smith magazine. i actually found a bunch more online as well. i have some of my favorites hanging in my room. the kids are really enjoying it and truly thinking about it. its not as easy as it sounds to sum your entire life up into just six words. not five. not seven. for me, thats the hardest part. what, my long-winded self isnt having trouble keeping it below 500 words? well, obviously i am. but once i got it down there, it seems like everything i wrote was either five or seven words. never six. im still struggling. stay tuned! and also, if you so feel the urge, try it. i cant wait to see what some of my kids come up with. obviously, ill post when theyre done. just cross your fingers that theyre better than jazzmyn's "i hate language arts and you." attempt. not exactly what i was hoping for. . .
"for sale: baby shoes, never worn."
excuse me, what? at first glance, the story makes no sense. but break it apart. its an advertisement. a person is trying to sell something they will no longer use. and by the looks of it, something they have never used. as far as ads go, this one seems pretty solid. think of yourself as an old school craigs list buyer. things are hardly ever new/unused. youve practically hit the jackpot. but have you? the simple, yet evocative story begs many questions. who is selling said shoes? is it a man, a woman, a couple? and why are they willing to sell the shoes? why dont they have any use for them? hemingway's story makes me absolutely mad with thoughts. on one hand, i believe this: he was often looked at as a remarkably mature writer, someone who had lived beyond his years. even at a young age, and early in his writing career, hemingway showed maturity in everything from his word choice to experiential nature. he wrote with the tenderness and wisdom of an old man who had seen and done quite a bit. many agree that his development as a writer did not follow a steep upward slope; he started out so advanced that there wasnt much room to build. that being said, i look at his "baby shoes" as the foundations of his writing career. he never needed to learn how to crawl and then walk. he started off at a run. he never felt the need to wear those baby shoes. he started right off with a pair of chuck taylors. high tops, preferably. and thats what i refer to as my "serendipity" version. its a lovely story, right? but most likely, its not the case. ernest hemingway was also looked at as a very dark writer. many of his novels and plays do not end with lines evoking the "happily ever after" feeling. people in his works often leave their families, fall out of love, get killed in wars, and generally live a life of loneliness and heartbreak. hes no edgar allan poe, but he gets deep with it. he has often been referred to as an emotion-squasher, for lack of a better word. he gives you all of the facts and events, and leaves you to weep on your own. many of his novels force the reader to look at the truth, when they would much rather sugar coat it or replace it with a much prettier version. and unfortunately, many believe that the baby shoes belonged to a baby, one who was never able to wear them. in almost all of hemingways writing, there is a sense of loss. the story i think is most likely true, sad as it may be, is about the loss of a child. his child maybe? in this version, hes selling the shoes because his child never got the chance to wear them. hes not only selling the physical shoes, but the memories of the child who would never walk in them. he was known to mask many emotions and push negativity aside, not dealing with his issues. so instead of dealing with this loss, he is pushing it away, selling it to someone who may be able to create better memories.
and now that ive officially depressed you all, theres a purpose! smith magazine took this phenomenon and turned it into an online contest. the contest to create a piece of flash fiction, following in the footsteps of ernest hemingway, led to a series of books. people from all over the world, in all walks of life, not separated by race or age or interest, famous and obscure, submitted entries. i find myself completely enthralled by this idea. i cant get enough of it. im a really big play on words person so this is like my dream read. and with the end of the school year rapidly approaching, grades already finalized, and a week left of trying to keep the mayhem to a minimum so my students dont tear the place apart, i thought i would give it a try. this week ive asked my students to try to create their own memoirs, in six words. i found a bunch of cool youtube videos that other schools put together, and i have all three books by smith magazine. i actually found a bunch more online as well. i have some of my favorites hanging in my room. the kids are really enjoying it and truly thinking about it. its not as easy as it sounds to sum your entire life up into just six words. not five. not seven. for me, thats the hardest part. what, my long-winded self isnt having trouble keeping it below 500 words? well, obviously i am. but once i got it down there, it seems like everything i wrote was either five or seven words. never six. im still struggling. stay tuned! and also, if you so feel the urge, try it. i cant wait to see what some of my kids come up with. obviously, ill post when theyre done. just cross your fingers that theyre better than jazzmyn's "i hate language arts and you." attempt. not exactly what i was hoping for. . .
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
double double...
...issues bubble, i am in A LOT of trouble. i know, thats not the real poem. but clever, right? apologies for the double post. cant sleep, waiting for the glorious fog of oblivion to kick in (thanks cp). also, sorry for the cybil-esque nature of this post. it will absolutely refute all thoughts from the former. enjoy it while you can, because odds are, i will wake up lucid and delete immediately.
the real reason i wrote today was this. in the middle of todays conversation with a friend, he mentioned something in passing, totally nonchalant, that made my stomach drop clear to my knees. it wasnt a statement meant to send shock waves, or probably even meant to halt the conversation in any way. but it stopped me dead in my tracks. in actuality, he had just complimented me on my recent zen-like state. i attributed it to the fact that, as of the new year, immediately after quite a breakdown, i decided to let it be. it doesnt always work and im not always so free. but im trying. and as someone who has known me pretty well for a long time, he has seen me wound quite tightly. so this "new" me is still somewhat of a shocker to him. face it, it is to most people who know me. and i cant put my finger on why, or explain what caused this change. it just is. in the midst of this talk, i made a joke about this calm not lasting through the storm of the summer. and he made a joke about a situation i might find myself in, come end of summer, that would put me over the edge. it was meant to get a laugh out of me. and it should have. but instead, i found myself feeling like i had gotten the wind knocked out of me by a linebacker. which is the exact opposite response of a person who is not emotionally invested in a situation.
i tried to touch upon what was bothering me. and i found myself way off topic. probably on purpose. i know i dont have a monstrous following of loyal fans that read my blog. but what i have might be worse in this particular situation. i have loyal friends. who probably already know the facts im about to lay out. at least they think they do. but its much harder to admit. and i wonder and worry what theyll think. so heres to hoping they will chalk it up to the fact that im only human. and at least im honest.
i find myself at the beginning of what could be a very carefree summer. i am not tied down to anyone or anything. at this point last year, i was hanging on to the very loose threads of a longterm relationship. i was not thinking of how relaxing and fun my summer would be. i was counting the exact amount of no shower happy hours i would miss by being away from the beach. i was searching the web daily for a job, any job, that would pay my rent. once found, i was spending my days scouring websites and libraries and bookstores for any and everything to prepare me to teach an entire year of seventh grade. i had kids (to babysit) and pets (to feed) and a general tied down feeling. long story short, summer was not summer. it was just like stupid winter without snow. on the brink of a polar opposite version of summer, i find myself wanting to stand in my stairwell and shake myself silly like the girl in love actually. this is it. living feet from the beach, with a freezer full of love [aka vodka] and my best friends as roomies. the world at my fingertips. i cannot screw this up now.
i actually care. im not supposed to. i dont want to. but i do. i hate that i do. i hate that stupid ass f made my thoughts a jumble today. i hate that im obsessing right now and cant sleep even though i posted an intellectual blog earlier which should clear all thoughts. and i mostly hate that i cant figure out what i hate the most about this situation. its not an easy fix. and its not something that will go away either. so i can kick my own self in the face about my self-help choice blog from earlier. im making choices. that are probably not the right ones. and apparently are affecting me more than i thought. if i continue to make the same choice, am i the accomplice? am i the one who is letting it happen, over and over? who has already okay'ed the poor behavior so that it is a clear path to future indiscretions? of course the answer to all of those questions is yes. but youre not supposed to be nodding at this point. no agreement, my friends. i know its true. but i would appreciate a little trip to the no judgement zone from you. thanks. in the midst of this rave, i spoke with my good friend a. and she, of the glow in the dark silly bands and words of wisdom, let me know that, duh. these are things she already knew. as i predicted. such a mask of disguised emotions i am. im like a vault, i swear. which led me even further to believe that i need to make better choices. ones that i can sleep with. because apparently these are not allowing that same freedom. and, as always, she left me with advice to live by. and im going to borrow it. because its perfect. this man hits the nail on the head. especially for our summer. so here it is. from the mouth of bartender russell, "you need to be a little more sluttier. and when you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say 'today is the day for a new penis.' "
to thine own self be true
in a healthy relationship, there are always two people. they are committed to one another and often consider that person to be one of their best friends. they do not stray. they do not purposely hurt one another. they enjoy a healthy amount of time both together and apart, but are usually on the other's mind. although it is not a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, they take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.
i am no relationship expert. but ive been there. and ive had that. however, ive also had this. . .
in many relationships, there are always two central people. they say they are committed to one another, but their words and actions show otherwise. they call that person their best friend, but hurt them in ways youd expect from an archenemy. they stray. they purposely hurt one another. they enjoy either an unhealthy amount of time together, due to trust issues, or an unhealthy amount of time apart, due to the possibility that they just may not enjoy one anothers company. they are not on the others mind as much as they should be. it is a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, followed by the direct opposite action. they do not take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.
cynical? maybe. but also true. am i the innocent party here? not always. i have lied. i have cheated. i have purposely done things to hurt another person, or often to "hurt them back" worse. i have done things selfishly without contemplating the consequences of my actions. i have chosen to spend my time unwisely in the face of my relationship. i have held things in when i should have shared them, and opened my mouth when biting my tongue would be more appropriate. i know that i am not always the victim. i have had relationships that started out like the first scenario and ended up like the second. and vice versa. and i know that no matter what, i have played an active role in that change. for better or for worse.
what is bringing this rant on, considering im not currently in a relationship? a discussion with a friend about the appropriateness of a certain situation got me quite fired up. yes, i am right smack in the middle of said situation. and ive willingly put myself there. however, so has everyone else involved. i felt the need to defend myself and started to wonder why. it got me thinking about relationships. and then about choices. which led me to all this. if two people are in a relationship, its because thats what they chose. its what they chose? dont you mean something else? no, unfortunately. i want to say its because they are in love, care about the other person, and genuinely want to be together. and often, thats the case. but not always. sometimes its more about a choice. because, and i am including personal experience here, sometimes people choose to stay. even when theyre not happy, and they dont care, and theyre not in love. so with all these choices being made, it sometimes happens that not everyone ends up on the same page. what you choose may not coincide with the choices being made around you. and what you choose may be based on different factors than other parties involved. and what you choose may be merely due to habit, convenience, or responsibility; not to emotions and needs.
and what happens when those choices dont match up? well then youre playing the wrong game of memory, i guess. all i know is that if you make the choice to stay with someone, knowing full well who they are and what theyre about, then arent you just as much at fault? if you let these situations happen, arent you really just an accomplice? it seems like a reasonable concept to me. the same applies to my students. if "just this once" i let them chew gum in class, i spend the next three weeks scraping it off the bottoms of my desks. if "please i promise its only this one time" a student gets to use the bathroom with a handwritten pass, they wont ever bother to bring their agenda book to class. if "but mrs. so-and-so let me" hand in homework late, i spend the entire marking period changing grades and making exceptions. off the clock! point being, if you let it slide once, it will most definitely happen again. and again and again. and the worst part is, its your fault. because you have opened the door to that type of behavior being okay. i think what baffles me the most, is that its really that simple for a hundred seventh graders to see, but not a handful of grown men and women? am i included in this handful? but of course! this is not just a rant about others, its a personal peptalk.
so why do we make these choices? maybe its because of a false sense of security about not being alone. i count myself among the many who have found themselves, at one point or another, saying id rather be with someone than be alone. while its not perfect or even very good. im guilty of staying in a relationship for too long, when it wasnt working, because it was all i had known for a very long time and i was scared to be on my own. maybe its because of the memory of happy times. again, im guilty of having said "we were happy once, we will be again" on numerous occasions. its almost as though you cling to the memory of that bliss in hopes that it will return. we all know it wont, but we cant help it. maybe its because of the bandwagon approach. everyones in a relationship. everyones getting engaged. everyones jumping off a bridge too, care to join? i find myself thinking that everyone in the world is in a relationship but me. those are the times i need a good slap. maybe its because youve believed you could change him for so long, it gets hard to deny. this is probably where im weakest. in practically every relationship ive had, ive tried to change him in some way. ive believed that i would be the one who would turn the cons into pros. it could be because he gave me that impression. could be that it was all in my head. but once you start to think theres hope, its hard to make it go away. so it doesnt surprise me that this is where im stuck again. and although its none of my concern, i think she feels the same way.
im trying not to think of the choices of others. only my own. bill rago said it best in renaissance man, "all i know is, the choices you make dictate the life you lead. to thine own self be true." its all about making a choice and standing by it. about not making excuses for yourself or anyone else. i dont know about the rest of you, but i must have been skipped over when the "make other people do what you want them to" super power was given out. i have to resign myself, as do we all, to the concept that i can only make my own choices. you can persuade and argue, but no matter what you do, you cant control someone else. and that sort of brings me back full circle. a relationship shouldnt be about control. it should be about making a choice for the right reason. i just need to figure out what that reason is.
i am no relationship expert. but ive been there. and ive had that. however, ive also had this. . .
in many relationships, there are always two central people. they say they are committed to one another, but their words and actions show otherwise. they call that person their best friend, but hurt them in ways youd expect from an archenemy. they stray. they purposely hurt one another. they enjoy either an unhealthy amount of time together, due to trust issues, or an unhealthy amount of time apart, due to the possibility that they just may not enjoy one anothers company. they are not on the others mind as much as they should be. it is a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, followed by the direct opposite action. they do not take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.
cynical? maybe. but also true. am i the innocent party here? not always. i have lied. i have cheated. i have purposely done things to hurt another person, or often to "hurt them back" worse. i have done things selfishly without contemplating the consequences of my actions. i have chosen to spend my time unwisely in the face of my relationship. i have held things in when i should have shared them, and opened my mouth when biting my tongue would be more appropriate. i know that i am not always the victim. i have had relationships that started out like the first scenario and ended up like the second. and vice versa. and i know that no matter what, i have played an active role in that change. for better or for worse.
what is bringing this rant on, considering im not currently in a relationship? a discussion with a friend about the appropriateness of a certain situation got me quite fired up. yes, i am right smack in the middle of said situation. and ive willingly put myself there. however, so has everyone else involved. i felt the need to defend myself and started to wonder why. it got me thinking about relationships. and then about choices. which led me to all this. if two people are in a relationship, its because thats what they chose. its what they chose? dont you mean something else? no, unfortunately. i want to say its because they are in love, care about the other person, and genuinely want to be together. and often, thats the case. but not always. sometimes its more about a choice. because, and i am including personal experience here, sometimes people choose to stay. even when theyre not happy, and they dont care, and theyre not in love. so with all these choices being made, it sometimes happens that not everyone ends up on the same page. what you choose may not coincide with the choices being made around you. and what you choose may be based on different factors than other parties involved. and what you choose may be merely due to habit, convenience, or responsibility; not to emotions and needs.
and what happens when those choices dont match up? well then youre playing the wrong game of memory, i guess. all i know is that if you make the choice to stay with someone, knowing full well who they are and what theyre about, then arent you just as much at fault? if you let these situations happen, arent you really just an accomplice? it seems like a reasonable concept to me. the same applies to my students. if "just this once" i let them chew gum in class, i spend the next three weeks scraping it off the bottoms of my desks. if "please i promise its only this one time" a student gets to use the bathroom with a handwritten pass, they wont ever bother to bring their agenda book to class. if "but mrs. so-and-so let me" hand in homework late, i spend the entire marking period changing grades and making exceptions. off the clock! point being, if you let it slide once, it will most definitely happen again. and again and again. and the worst part is, its your fault. because you have opened the door to that type of behavior being okay. i think what baffles me the most, is that its really that simple for a hundred seventh graders to see, but not a handful of grown men and women? am i included in this handful? but of course! this is not just a rant about others, its a personal peptalk.
so why do we make these choices? maybe its because of a false sense of security about not being alone. i count myself among the many who have found themselves, at one point or another, saying id rather be with someone than be alone. while its not perfect or even very good. im guilty of staying in a relationship for too long, when it wasnt working, because it was all i had known for a very long time and i was scared to be on my own. maybe its because of the memory of happy times. again, im guilty of having said "we were happy once, we will be again" on numerous occasions. its almost as though you cling to the memory of that bliss in hopes that it will return. we all know it wont, but we cant help it. maybe its because of the bandwagon approach. everyones in a relationship. everyones getting engaged. everyones jumping off a bridge too, care to join? i find myself thinking that everyone in the world is in a relationship but me. those are the times i need a good slap. maybe its because youve believed you could change him for so long, it gets hard to deny. this is probably where im weakest. in practically every relationship ive had, ive tried to change him in some way. ive believed that i would be the one who would turn the cons into pros. it could be because he gave me that impression. could be that it was all in my head. but once you start to think theres hope, its hard to make it go away. so it doesnt surprise me that this is where im stuck again. and although its none of my concern, i think she feels the same way.
im trying not to think of the choices of others. only my own. bill rago said it best in renaissance man, "all i know is, the choices you make dictate the life you lead. to thine own self be true." its all about making a choice and standing by it. about not making excuses for yourself or anyone else. i dont know about the rest of you, but i must have been skipped over when the "make other people do what you want them to" super power was given out. i have to resign myself, as do we all, to the concept that i can only make my own choices. you can persuade and argue, but no matter what you do, you cant control someone else. and that sort of brings me back full circle. a relationship shouldnt be about control. it should be about making a choice for the right reason. i just need to figure out what that reason is.
Monday, May 17, 2010
coffee is [not] the new vodka
listen up, folks. im about to hit ya with some wisdom. a few years ago, they tried to say yellow was the new black. oh please. scientology was the new buddhism. gag me. and then working out was the new sex. do i even need to elaborate? now theres a new craze sweeping the dating world. and i dont like it. gentlemen, coffee will neverrr be the new vodka. maybe if this was match.com and we were 40something second-chancers nervous to get back out there after a bitter divorce. but were not. we are fresh, vibrant men and women in our prime. there is no need to fake it with a coffee. hit me with a martini, please. grow a set. none of my friends will be either impressed or even remotely entertained as i regale them with how much "enlightened conversation" we had in a snuggly booth at starbucks. or how "sensitive" he showed me he is over a frappuccino. waa waa. ok so maybe people enjoy those stories, but nobody i know! they like the real dirt. and theres no possible way to give it to them if you ask me out for coffee. nothing remotely scandalous happens over a skinny macchiato. also, you look gay as a picnic basket ordering, and more so, drinking, a venti double pumpkin spice latte. i would like to see you in all your manly glory. loosen up your tie and drink a crown on the rocks, would ya.
a large part of me wonders why coffee dates are all the rage. thanks alot starbucks for making people think coffee shops are cool again. no bueno. walk in, get your coffee, walk out. thats why dunkin donuts is my jammm. they know whats up. would you ever accept a date to a dunkin donuts? god no. then why, when a place puts up a fancy sign, sells $6 coffee and bumps the latest emo hits, do you think its an acceptable date spot? this is not friends. maybe it was an interesting concept then, but rachel green was also wearing belly shirts. and unless youre willing to bring that fashion statement back as well, i say we leave coffee houses in the past. ive come to the conclusion that it could be one of a few reasons. let me start with my least favorite...
the money. coffee dates are, obviously, much cheaper than real dates. at most, youre spending $15 for both parties, tip included. no one drinks five coffees on a date. its a one and done type thing. so the guy is saving himself some serious dough. this reason bothers me the most because, and call me shallow if youd like, who asks someone out and doesnt expect to spend money?! im all about being frugal. youre surprised, i know, that im not rolling around in my luxurious teacher salary. but theres a point where frugality has to take a backseat to life. i do hate money flashers. but i would appreciate a little "spenditure" because most likely, my outfit combined with the time it took me to get ready and the hard work its takes for me to be utterly charming, is worth more than a measly $7.50. not really interested in this guy. another reason i came up with is the casualty factor. ive noticed an uprising in men who like to keep it simple. i can deal a little better with this guy. we dont know one another that well, maybe met in a bar or through a mutual friend. maybe havent met at all. in his eyes, its a great way to keep things from being too serious. my sister k is currently "dating" a really cool guy. hes a little more interested in a serious thing than she is, which hes shown. but everytime he mentions a bf/gf scenario, he usually follows very quickly with a retractment or an alternate idea. he knows its too much. so he pulls back and turns it into something more casual. so whether for his own agenda or the comfort level of the girl, this second guy is trying to keep things veryyy casual. and sorry, but i think this reason is corny for the sheer fact that if i dont want to go out with you, ill say no. a no is a no, whether its to get coffee or cruise to the bahamas. if i dont want to go, it doesnt matter where youre taking me. its still a no. the third reason i came up with is that maybe hes trying out the maturity card. how very sophisticated and business-like of me to ask her out for coffee. as he sits in his study with his velvet robe and pipe. if i wanted to date an old man, i would check out the golf course. not interested buddy. do they think that will win a woman over? no. act your age. not my grandparents.
so who knows. maybe im way off. but i feel as though, no matter how you slice it, its just not okay. and this is my life were talking about. if you enjoy the freedom of a coffee date, be my guest. and im not asking for a weekend away in aspen as the first date. i usually tweak out at the idea of simply going to dinner. it makes me mucho nervous. having spent almost the last five years of my life going to dinner with the same guy, it makes me incredibly anxious thinking of spending that time with someone else. what would i say? wear? eat? yikes. so the shorter, less awkward date is right up my alley. but with nerves the size of texas, you cant really expect me to settle them over a coffee. i need wine. or champagne. or tequila pumped straight into my veins. and to be honest, a road soda would be completely inappropriate for a coffee date. how else is a girl to prepare? so im hoping this coffee phenomenon will fade out. the line has to be drawn somewhere. and for me, it falls just short of a coffee date. lets save that for a sunday when were married and pushing our stroller of kids through the center of town after church. if this keeps going, the next thing you know, hell be calling you at seven am on a saturday to go with him to the dog park.... but god if that isnt a story for another day.
a large part of me wonders why coffee dates are all the rage. thanks alot starbucks for making people think coffee shops are cool again. no bueno. walk in, get your coffee, walk out. thats why dunkin donuts is my jammm. they know whats up. would you ever accept a date to a dunkin donuts? god no. then why, when a place puts up a fancy sign, sells $6 coffee and bumps the latest emo hits, do you think its an acceptable date spot? this is not friends. maybe it was an interesting concept then, but rachel green was also wearing belly shirts. and unless youre willing to bring that fashion statement back as well, i say we leave coffee houses in the past. ive come to the conclusion that it could be one of a few reasons. let me start with my least favorite...
the money. coffee dates are, obviously, much cheaper than real dates. at most, youre spending $15 for both parties, tip included. no one drinks five coffees on a date. its a one and done type thing. so the guy is saving himself some serious dough. this reason bothers me the most because, and call me shallow if youd like, who asks someone out and doesnt expect to spend money?! im all about being frugal. youre surprised, i know, that im not rolling around in my luxurious teacher salary. but theres a point where frugality has to take a backseat to life. i do hate money flashers. but i would appreciate a little "spenditure" because most likely, my outfit combined with the time it took me to get ready and the hard work its takes for me to be utterly charming, is worth more than a measly $7.50. not really interested in this guy. another reason i came up with is the casualty factor. ive noticed an uprising in men who like to keep it simple. i can deal a little better with this guy. we dont know one another that well, maybe met in a bar or through a mutual friend. maybe havent met at all. in his eyes, its a great way to keep things from being too serious. my sister k is currently "dating" a really cool guy. hes a little more interested in a serious thing than she is, which hes shown. but everytime he mentions a bf/gf scenario, he usually follows very quickly with a retractment or an alternate idea. he knows its too much. so he pulls back and turns it into something more casual. so whether for his own agenda or the comfort level of the girl, this second guy is trying to keep things veryyy casual. and sorry, but i think this reason is corny for the sheer fact that if i dont want to go out with you, ill say no. a no is a no, whether its to get coffee or cruise to the bahamas. if i dont want to go, it doesnt matter where youre taking me. its still a no. the third reason i came up with is that maybe hes trying out the maturity card. how very sophisticated and business-like of me to ask her out for coffee. as he sits in his study with his velvet robe and pipe. if i wanted to date an old man, i would check out the golf course. not interested buddy. do they think that will win a woman over? no. act your age. not my grandparents.
so who knows. maybe im way off. but i feel as though, no matter how you slice it, its just not okay. and this is my life were talking about. if you enjoy the freedom of a coffee date, be my guest. and im not asking for a weekend away in aspen as the first date. i usually tweak out at the idea of simply going to dinner. it makes me mucho nervous. having spent almost the last five years of my life going to dinner with the same guy, it makes me incredibly anxious thinking of spending that time with someone else. what would i say? wear? eat? yikes. so the shorter, less awkward date is right up my alley. but with nerves the size of texas, you cant really expect me to settle them over a coffee. i need wine. or champagne. or tequila pumped straight into my veins. and to be honest, a road soda would be completely inappropriate for a coffee date. how else is a girl to prepare? so im hoping this coffee phenomenon will fade out. the line has to be drawn somewhere. and for me, it falls just short of a coffee date. lets save that for a sunday when were married and pushing our stroller of kids through the center of town after church. if this keeps going, the next thing you know, hell be calling you at seven am on a saturday to go with him to the dog park.... but god if that isnt a story for another day.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
thank you, anonymous
my job is safe. of that i am lucky. when people ask if ill be losing my job, i often joke that im not worried because no one wants it. which is actually quite true. do you remember yourself in seventh grade? you were a quite surly, hormonally imbalanced, insecure know-it-all, who was too cool for family, curfews, and school. multiply that by 107 and youre spending a day in my life. am i crazy? maybe a little bit. but i wouldnt trade my job for the world. with recent budget cuts and not enough retirees in my district, we are facing some unfortunate issues. i am not in any way comparing our hardships to those of my many teacher friends and family who are losing jobs completely. my district, with strong support for our union, is doing everything in their power to maintain jobs for all current employees. but that means, without boring you with teachery details, that they have to move people around because of the certifications they hold. this is the unfortunate part. its splitting up grade level teams with a good rapport, forcing teachers to spend what they thought of as a summer off learning a new curriculum, and generally getting used to the idea of starting over in the fall. i feel incredibly blessed and thankful everyday that i have a job, any job, in the current economy. this is not meant to come through as a complaint. i just wanted to preface the following article with my thoughts. i feel for everyone going through this. and i wouldnt want to be in their shoes. but i do hope that all of this is sorted soon, because there are bigger issues facing education. ones that will not be fixed by cutting budgets, firing employees, or adopting the "next big thing" in education reform. if we just all take a deep breath and head back to basics for a reality check, i think youll see that the same problems still face our children and will continue to do so as long as we live in a world with poverty, unemployment, difficult family dynamics and socioeconomic issues.
i attempt to take no credit for the following article. i wish i could give credit to the amazing person who holds these thoughts. however, all i can provide is that it was published on may 12, 2010 in the opinion section of my local paper. and in that sense, thank you, mr. or ms. anonymous. i appreciate your sentiment more than you will ever know. thank you for putting my daily thoughts and emotions into such an eloquent piece. i often think and feel things things, but can never express them with the grace and intelligence that you have managed. i found myself nodding and close to tears at many points. so thank you, whoever you are :)
pros and cons of proposed school reform
"don't just stand there! do something!" that could be the motto of too many of the school reform movements. either that or "ready. fire. aim."
there's no doubt that there are some fundamental problems in the american education system. federal programs such as no child left behind and race to the top are attempts to get at them. so are local programs like vineland's "small learning communities" at the high school.
it's difficult to know whether these new programs are effective. education is a bit like a glacier. it doesn't make quick moves. progress can be measured only over time. that's the reason we're very concerned about new jersey's education reform program unveiled by education commissioner bret schundler last week.
schundler said the christie administration will encourage the legislature to pass a bill endorsing the broad concept that student learning would be the chief factor by which the state should evaluate education. sounds reasonable until you start to figure out how we define and then accurately measure "student learning."
standardized tests? we know that the wealthy school districts in north jersey far outdistance urban districts like vineland, millville and bridgeton. is that the fault of our local schools and local educators?
take a child from one of those upper crust schools. he or she is in a community with big homes and few apartments, meaning people don't keep moving around every few months. he or she is more likely to live in a home with two parents, and often both of them are college graduates. the family has the income for some travel, and books and educational opportunities.
now look at cumberland county. we have the lowest percentage of four-year college graduates in the state. we have the lowest annual income and the highest unemployment rate. it isn't necessarily that the parents don't value education; some may simply not know how to encourage their children to succeed.
put teachers on a merit pay system? can teachers be fairly rated when they have kids in class whose families have moved three times this year, regularly disrupting the educational process? how do you rate the seventh-grade teacher who is dealing with students who have shown learning problems that haven't been dealt with over the years? how do you allow for the fact that -- although the politicians don't like to hear it -- some kids are simply smarter than others, and some have parents who are unable or unwilling to make sure their kids do homework and go to school regularly?
here are some more problems with merit pay for teachers. do we expect teachers and schools to cure all of society's ills that negatively affect student performance and education -- poverty, lack of health insurance, homelessness, single-parent homes, teen pregnancy and unemployment? and what about adequate school funding for poorer school districts -- funds the state is reducing? money isn't everything, but it would be naive or disingenuous to say state-of-the-art facilities and up-to-date computers and other educational materials don't matter or make a big difference in the quality of education.
who is going to evaluate those teachers on a merit pay system? let the computer do the scoring without considering those outside factors? we hear a constant drumbeat from the community that there are too many administrators in the schools. well, just think about how many supervisors would be needed to do detailed, frequent observations of the dozens of teachers in each school if they had to be evaluated for extended tenure programs or merit pay.
we're not suggesting that schools are fine and all teachers are great. they aren't. but we need to be wary of simplistic solutions that make the politicians feel triumphant while doing nothing to address day-to-day problems that are inherent in the education system.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
five years
yesterday would have been five years. yesterday i might have been wearing an engagement ring. yesterday i might have been looking at houses. yesterday i might have been planning a wedding. yesterday i might have just been relaxing and basking in the love in my life. yesterday might not have been perfect or ridiculously romantic, but it would have been special.
instead, i spent yesterday in a tshirt drinking beer at a local bar watching fights. with k and a bunch of guys. [sidenote: if youre looking for a fella, a bar on ufc night is most definitely where you want to be. its a manfest!] was it terrible? no. i even met a guy who bought me drinks, made me laugh, and held my attention for a good hour. its doubtful that hes my future husband, or even someone ill date in the future, but it did take my mind off things. and im incredibly impressed with myself for not sobbing into the shoulder of said stranger about my five year un-anniversary. or texting d to see how he was handling the day. or if he even remembered. all in all, it was a pretty okay day. every time, and there were approximately fifty, the "what ifs" graced my thoughts i quickly pushed them out. but i need to admit to myself how much it bothered me. so there it is. i spent most of yesterday, wishing i could go back in time and fix whatever went wrong to leave me out of the situations i expected to be in yesterday. im not naive. i know that no matter what was fixed or done differently, i would still eventually end up where i am. and i should be thankful that im here today, and not another five years from now. but right now i cant. and hopefully soon i will. but for now i will just try to keep hoping. that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. my good friend a reminded me that it is this way for a reason, that there is a better love out there. lets just hurry that life along, fate. im starting to worry.
instead, i spent yesterday in a tshirt drinking beer at a local bar watching fights. with k and a bunch of guys. [sidenote: if youre looking for a fella, a bar on ufc night is most definitely where you want to be. its a manfest!] was it terrible? no. i even met a guy who bought me drinks, made me laugh, and held my attention for a good hour. its doubtful that hes my future husband, or even someone ill date in the future, but it did take my mind off things. and im incredibly impressed with myself for not sobbing into the shoulder of said stranger about my five year un-anniversary. or texting d to see how he was handling the day. or if he even remembered. all in all, it was a pretty okay day. every time, and there were approximately fifty, the "what ifs" graced my thoughts i quickly pushed them out. but i need to admit to myself how much it bothered me. so there it is. i spent most of yesterday, wishing i could go back in time and fix whatever went wrong to leave me out of the situations i expected to be in yesterday. im not naive. i know that no matter what was fixed or done differently, i would still eventually end up where i am. and i should be thankful that im here today, and not another five years from now. but right now i cant. and hopefully soon i will. but for now i will just try to keep hoping. that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. my good friend a reminded me that it is this way for a reason, that there is a better love out there. lets just hurry that life along, fate. im starting to worry.
Monday, April 26, 2010
american honey
discovered this song via the wide world of facebook creeping - obviously. and im obsessed. lord knows im a sucker for a sappy country song. maybe its the fact that when im home, turning left right up or down, this is what surrounds me. i couldnt see a skyscraper if i stood on the roof of the borough hall. i can barely see a paved parking lot. unless youve grown up in a small town, you may not understand the sheer power of it. but i do. i dont always take the time to really let it sink in. and while ive complained (and still do) of what its lacking, words like these remind me that the natural luck ive been given cant be built or made. it just is.
she grew up on a side of the road
where the church bells ring and strong love grows
she grew up good, she grew up slow
like american honey.
steady as a preacher, free as a weed
couldnt wait to get going
but wasnt quite ready to leave
so innocent, pure and sweet
like american honey.
theres a wild wild whisper blowing in the wind
calling out my name like a long lost friend
oh i miss those days as the years go by
oh nothings sweeter than summertime
and american honey.
get caught in the race of this crazy life
trying to be everything
can make you lose your mind
i just wana go back in time
to american honey.
theres a wild wild whisper blowing in the wind
calling out my name like a long lost friend
oh i miss those days as the years go by
oh nothings sweeter than summertime
and american honey.
gone for so long now
gotta get back to her somehow
to american honey.
theres a wild wild whisper blowing in the wind
calling out my name like a long lost friend
oh i miss those days as the years go by
oh nothings sweeter than summertime
and american honey.
[american honey - lady antebellum]
Sunday, April 25, 2010
crybaby central
pssa testing has got to be the most god awful week of school. the kids were stressed out, overtired, bored, and losing confidence in their skills by the minute. multiply that feeling by 107 and thats how i felt. i might as well have had my jaw wired shut and my ankles chained to my desk. because thats how helpless i was. "all the planning and preparation and repetition is over. now its time to see what they can do." god love ya shawn, but thats not exactly the pep talk i needed. i dont want to just see what they can do. i want to help and encourage and work with them until its right. and i cant. i feel like its asking almost the impossible of a teacher. my entire job revolves around staying involved in their education. and now im asked to just sit behind a desk in total silence for three hours a day, staring at the frustrated faces of my children? shaking my head no when they ask me to pronounce a word for them or edit their writing? students are given a little snack and bottle of water every morning. i dont need a snack. what might help, however, would be a daily xanax. just a thought for next year. so in my desperation at six days of this torture, i tried to force myself to write. i havent written in my journal, or blogged for that matter, since nc roadtrip. on the first day of testing, i sat staring into space for a good half hour wondering why. i havent been able to write or blog or even read a book. all things which normally come naturally to me. whats been holding me back? not sure i have the answer. but i feel as though im coming closer.
if you know me at all, you wouldnt be surprised if i listed 'crying' as a hobby on a resume. i tend to get very emotional easily. is it annoying? probably. it is what it is. i cant help it. i have friends who remain stonefaced in all situations, able to mask how they feel. and ones who just really dont get that emotional. who dont cry on a regular basis. and ones who call it dramatic and over the top. im not one of those people. so i imagine youre not at all surprised that i cried nearly every day last week. testing is extremely stressful and i often get overwhelmed being in situations that i have no control over. so it makes sense. but now testing is over. and i still feel as though i could cry at near anything. summer is rapidly approaching and i promise not to be the girl crying at the dead dog. at least not all the time. so i will bitch and moan about life. at the end of the day i know that i am lucky. i have a loving family, amazing friends and a job i love. i am not poor or homeless or really in want of many things. but i finally found myself able to journal this week. and through the bits and pieces, all very choppy, i think im able to put together why im feeling so frustrated. cue waterworks.
i look around at the people in my life and its often amazing to me that they are living such different lives. i know its silly to think everyone would be a cookie cutter, but its been awhile since i took the time to appreciate the diversity. i started to think about what was really wrong with me and i found solace in these qualities. the people in my life often bring me back down from the could i tend to rest on. they make me see whats really going on and when i need to get myself in check. i really need to take some of what theyre doing and hopefully get myself out of this slump. im hoping they dont mind that i include them here. my sister k is such a strong person. she constantly deals with a hometown loser who cant make up his mind. i would love for him to move to iceland or somewhere equally lame. and to be honest, he doesnt deserve her. and she knows it. but im a solid resident of this glass house, and would never throw stones at that situation. ive been there for years. and i understand the seesaw shes going through. and i understand that there really is no way out. not now anyway. but the strength she shows daily, and the willingness she has to get back out there and continue to look for someone with moral character, really amazes me. there were many points when i found myself in a similar situation that i wasnt even close to strong enough to do that. and when it gets to that point, i admire her attempts at making a mature decision about what to do when you meet that nice guy. its never easy, especially with a summer of sun and scandal in the very near future. aside from that drama, shes dealing with the much larger issue of possibly losing her job. i cant imagine what that feels like, so i can only try to be supportive. throw into that mix our current living accomodations and its enough to make a person clinically insane. thats one i can relate to. i want to get out, need to get out, but where to go? how far is far enough to get rid of the nonsense? is it about a physical distance, or more about being honest with myself and being strong enough to stop trying to run away and just let go of the unnecessary? although i love my parents to death, i know i cant stay here much longer. im looking forward to a summer at the beach, but what happens after that? i plan to relax and enjoy myself, but i know i have some decisions to make about where ill be resting my head after labor day. my good friend a is also in the process of making about a bazillion decisions. if it were anyone else, id say they were running. hiding. trying to escape and take the easy way out. but not her. shes one of the most level headed people i know. maybe thats why we compliment one another. she calms me and brings me back to reality. im sure its not her favorite hobby, and shed much rather me be zen on a regular basis, but she deals well. and im really not sure how much of a loose cannon id be without her. but i know shes contemplating going, and to be honest, im not sure what ill do. heres selfish me coming out. i want her to be happy and do what she needs, but i need her here with me. dear pa teaching gods, find her a job within the vicinity of no libs. because i want to come to her apartment biweekly and eat guac at that fab mexican place and see her impression of the js face more than once a month. thats all. ok ok enough. my friend j was in a relationship forever and ever amen. finally deciding that it wasnt worth it. have i ever been able to do that? just give up when every single sign points to it? no of course not. i didnt have the strength when i should have. is she dealing with it everyday? sure. but shes finding herself again for the first time in years and its done amazing things for her. shes another whos out testing the waters again, even joining a dating site to widen her prospects. im jealous of her exploits in the world of dating (and also of her awesome job schedule - the travels seem like such fun). another good friend m picked up and moved his entire life hours away in search of a dream. he weighed all the options, then took the plunge. everytime i think of it, he makes me feel as though i need to be more freespirited and passionate. think about something i love more than life itself and just really go for it. granted, music lends to that freedom much more than teaching. but still, total admiration. knowing that his roots will still be here, the people and places he cares about arent going anywhere. knowing he can come back whenever he wants. but wont, until hes ready. and maybe if ever. which is fine. my cousin l could be my love life twin. separated at birth but totally in tune when it comes to love, or lack thereof. though we arent living close to one another, or even living remotely the same lifestyle, ive come to greatly appreciate the words of wisdom and ear she lends about a life that mirrors her own. its comforting to know that someones in the same boat. the non-love boat, if you will. i wish i could promise her that it will get better and shell find the love of her life and live happily ever after, but clearly i am not june cleaver. when i find that life, ill let you know.
so ive been putting on a brave face, giving good face, sucking a little face, all the while being pretty two-faced with myself (is that possible?). im quite depressed about something and being honest with myself, and all of you, about it would probably help. so hopefully without crying twelve more times, ill attempt to explain it. i dated someone in high school who cheated on and totally screwed with me. and continued to do so for years afterwards. then i tried again and found someone who thought the sun rose and set around me. and honestly still does. then i went to college and met another loser who didnt think it was necessary to tell me about his "other" girlfriend. and then i found another someone who loved me pretty much unconditionally until he couldnt anymore. now here i am, alone. back on the seesaw of my love life. gravitating back towards that ridiculous idea that i can change the bad guy. that maybe, just maybe, ill be the reason he wants to be better. seriously, i make myself sick sometimes. somewhere, i know that if hes just making half ass plans, harboring a secret (or not so secret) girlfriend, just texting and never calling, drinking excessively, unemployed or any of the multiple other redeeming qualities these men hold - hes not right for me. but ive always been in a relationship, or in the process of getting into or out of one. and i feel like a spaz without that someone. if i could, i would take a little smidge of all of the above peoples lives and smack myself with them. i need to find myself again. and be okay with being alone. i just dont know how to do that. its become increasingly clear in the recent past that i need to work on this. my frustration level is almost unbearable. but how? and where do i find the strength? all of these people, and the many others in my life, find strength in their daily lives to be happy and okay with themselves. im not saying ill stay in bed for weeks anytime soon, wallowing in my own self pity. but i do need to make changes. and find myself again. without all the added drama. i just need the strength to let go.
if you know me at all, you wouldnt be surprised if i listed 'crying' as a hobby on a resume. i tend to get very emotional easily. is it annoying? probably. it is what it is. i cant help it. i have friends who remain stonefaced in all situations, able to mask how they feel. and ones who just really dont get that emotional. who dont cry on a regular basis. and ones who call it dramatic and over the top. im not one of those people. so i imagine youre not at all surprised that i cried nearly every day last week. testing is extremely stressful and i often get overwhelmed being in situations that i have no control over. so it makes sense. but now testing is over. and i still feel as though i could cry at near anything. summer is rapidly approaching and i promise not to be the girl crying at the dead dog. at least not all the time. so i will bitch and moan about life. at the end of the day i know that i am lucky. i have a loving family, amazing friends and a job i love. i am not poor or homeless or really in want of many things. but i finally found myself able to journal this week. and through the bits and pieces, all very choppy, i think im able to put together why im feeling so frustrated. cue waterworks.
i look around at the people in my life and its often amazing to me that they are living such different lives. i know its silly to think everyone would be a cookie cutter, but its been awhile since i took the time to appreciate the diversity. i started to think about what was really wrong with me and i found solace in these qualities. the people in my life often bring me back down from the could i tend to rest on. they make me see whats really going on and when i need to get myself in check. i really need to take some of what theyre doing and hopefully get myself out of this slump. im hoping they dont mind that i include them here. my sister k is such a strong person. she constantly deals with a hometown loser who cant make up his mind. i would love for him to move to iceland or somewhere equally lame. and to be honest, he doesnt deserve her. and she knows it. but im a solid resident of this glass house, and would never throw stones at that situation. ive been there for years. and i understand the seesaw shes going through. and i understand that there really is no way out. not now anyway. but the strength she shows daily, and the willingness she has to get back out there and continue to look for someone with moral character, really amazes me. there were many points when i found myself in a similar situation that i wasnt even close to strong enough to do that. and when it gets to that point, i admire her attempts at making a mature decision about what to do when you meet that nice guy. its never easy, especially with a summer of sun and scandal in the very near future. aside from that drama, shes dealing with the much larger issue of possibly losing her job. i cant imagine what that feels like, so i can only try to be supportive. throw into that mix our current living accomodations and its enough to make a person clinically insane. thats one i can relate to. i want to get out, need to get out, but where to go? how far is far enough to get rid of the nonsense? is it about a physical distance, or more about being honest with myself and being strong enough to stop trying to run away and just let go of the unnecessary? although i love my parents to death, i know i cant stay here much longer. im looking forward to a summer at the beach, but what happens after that? i plan to relax and enjoy myself, but i know i have some decisions to make about where ill be resting my head after labor day. my good friend a is also in the process of making about a bazillion decisions. if it were anyone else, id say they were running. hiding. trying to escape and take the easy way out. but not her. shes one of the most level headed people i know. maybe thats why we compliment one another. she calms me and brings me back to reality. im sure its not her favorite hobby, and shed much rather me be zen on a regular basis, but she deals well. and im really not sure how much of a loose cannon id be without her. but i know shes contemplating going, and to be honest, im not sure what ill do. heres selfish me coming out. i want her to be happy and do what she needs, but i need her here with me. dear pa teaching gods, find her a job within the vicinity of no libs. because i want to come to her apartment biweekly and eat guac at that fab mexican place and see her impression of the js face more than once a month. thats all. ok ok enough. my friend j was in a relationship forever and ever amen. finally deciding that it wasnt worth it. have i ever been able to do that? just give up when every single sign points to it? no of course not. i didnt have the strength when i should have. is she dealing with it everyday? sure. but shes finding herself again for the first time in years and its done amazing things for her. shes another whos out testing the waters again, even joining a dating site to widen her prospects. im jealous of her exploits in the world of dating (and also of her awesome job schedule - the travels seem like such fun). another good friend m picked up and moved his entire life hours away in search of a dream. he weighed all the options, then took the plunge. everytime i think of it, he makes me feel as though i need to be more freespirited and passionate. think about something i love more than life itself and just really go for it. granted, music lends to that freedom much more than teaching. but still, total admiration. knowing that his roots will still be here, the people and places he cares about arent going anywhere. knowing he can come back whenever he wants. but wont, until hes ready. and maybe if ever. which is fine. my cousin l could be my love life twin. separated at birth but totally in tune when it comes to love, or lack thereof. though we arent living close to one another, or even living remotely the same lifestyle, ive come to greatly appreciate the words of wisdom and ear she lends about a life that mirrors her own. its comforting to know that someones in the same boat. the non-love boat, if you will. i wish i could promise her that it will get better and shell find the love of her life and live happily ever after, but clearly i am not june cleaver. when i find that life, ill let you know.
so ive been putting on a brave face, giving good face, sucking a little face, all the while being pretty two-faced with myself (is that possible?). im quite depressed about something and being honest with myself, and all of you, about it would probably help. so hopefully without crying twelve more times, ill attempt to explain it. i dated someone in high school who cheated on and totally screwed with me. and continued to do so for years afterwards. then i tried again and found someone who thought the sun rose and set around me. and honestly still does. then i went to college and met another loser who didnt think it was necessary to tell me about his "other" girlfriend. and then i found another someone who loved me pretty much unconditionally until he couldnt anymore. now here i am, alone. back on the seesaw of my love life. gravitating back towards that ridiculous idea that i can change the bad guy. that maybe, just maybe, ill be the reason he wants to be better. seriously, i make myself sick sometimes. somewhere, i know that if hes just making half ass plans, harboring a secret (or not so secret) girlfriend, just texting and never calling, drinking excessively, unemployed or any of the multiple other redeeming qualities these men hold - hes not right for me. but ive always been in a relationship, or in the process of getting into or out of one. and i feel like a spaz without that someone. if i could, i would take a little smidge of all of the above peoples lives and smack myself with them. i need to find myself again. and be okay with being alone. i just dont know how to do that. its become increasingly clear in the recent past that i need to work on this. my frustration level is almost unbearable. but how? and where do i find the strength? all of these people, and the many others in my life, find strength in their daily lives to be happy and okay with themselves. im not saying ill stay in bed for weeks anytime soon, wallowing in my own self pity. but i do need to make changes. and find myself again. without all the added drama. i just need the strength to let go.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
dear mr. president
in the past few months, teachers have been getting a real ass whooping from all four corners of this country. regardless of level of education or profession, gender, political affiliation, or socioeconomic status, they are being stereotyped and clumped together as if they all represent one individual. do i know teachers who are tenured that dont give a flying you-know-what about their students' success? oh yea. do i know teachers who are so burnt out they fly off the handle regularly? definitely. do i know teachers who selfishly keep their jobs, knowing it is hurting the chances or someone who may need it or want it more? you bet. do i know teachers who regularly bend the rules and twist the words clearly stated in legal documents to make their lives easier or create less work for themselves? unfortunately, its a yes to that one, too.
but if you spend a day in my life, you will also meet the saints. like the woman who comes to work everyday, still nursing the broken ribs from the gang fight she tried to save just one girl from. and the temporary legal advocates who had no idea what they were signing up for, but did it anyway because they knew multiple children without someone to speak up for them (trust me - im not the first. and definitely not the last). and the many staff members who give of their time, money, effort, and emotion to tutor for free and outside of school hours, purchase and wash child-size clothing, pack lunches for a kid who belong to someone else, and generally give that flying you-know that mrs. teresa tenure doesnt. these people are who i want to be. they are the reason i wanted to become a teacher, and they are a large part of why i show up everyday. and day by day, i feel as though im becoming one of them. i hope i never tip the scales too far, and end up like the teachers above. it happens. its the reason for laws and unions and tenure, and all the other junk that goes along with teaching. and i really do hate getting on my soapbox (its been awhile, now hasnt it?) so i want to share something much more refined. this woman captured literally everything i was feeling. i read this article yesterday in an educational newsletter. to be honest, i usually throw them out. the stuffs pretty boring. but the cover caught my eye so i read it. it is not meant to offend or ridicule any profession. if you read it carefully, she is just trying to get everyone else to see what i see everyday. are teachers perfect? none that i know. some come very close - their dedication is unsurpassed by anything ive seen. but no one is perfect. all you can do is be passionate and give your all. its not just meant for teachers. i feel like anyone who works with, comes in contact with, witnesses the troubles of, or generally cares about the future of americas children can see the worth in her points. the end is my favorite part. sorry its so long - im afraid theyll get rid of the archive so im reposting it here. enjoy:
but if you spend a day in my life, you will also meet the saints. like the woman who comes to work everyday, still nursing the broken ribs from the gang fight she tried to save just one girl from. and the temporary legal advocates who had no idea what they were signing up for, but did it anyway because they knew multiple children without someone to speak up for them (trust me - im not the first. and definitely not the last). and the many staff members who give of their time, money, effort, and emotion to tutor for free and outside of school hours, purchase and wash child-size clothing, pack lunches for a kid who belong to someone else, and generally give that flying you-know that mrs. teresa tenure doesnt. these people are who i want to be. they are the reason i wanted to become a teacher, and they are a large part of why i show up everyday. and day by day, i feel as though im becoming one of them. i hope i never tip the scales too far, and end up like the teachers above. it happens. its the reason for laws and unions and tenure, and all the other junk that goes along with teaching. and i really do hate getting on my soapbox (its been awhile, now hasnt it?) so i want to share something much more refined. this woman captured literally everything i was feeling. i read this article yesterday in an educational newsletter. to be honest, i usually throw them out. the stuffs pretty boring. but the cover caught my eye so i read it. it is not meant to offend or ridicule any profession. if you read it carefully, she is just trying to get everyone else to see what i see everyday. are teachers perfect? none that i know. some come very close - their dedication is unsurpassed by anything ive seen. but no one is perfect. all you can do is be passionate and give your all. its not just meant for teachers. i feel like anyone who works with, comes in contact with, witnesses the troubles of, or generally cares about the future of americas children can see the worth in her points. the end is my favorite part. sorry its so long - im afraid theyll get rid of the archive so im reposting it here. enjoy:
Dear President Obama: Stop saying schools ‘fail’
Published April 2010 Voice
Mr. President:
Schools do not fail. Children fail. Children fail because the adults into whose care these children are placed fail in their jobs to nurture, guide and protect them.
Mothers fail when they smoke, drink or take drugs during their pregnancy.
Parents fail when they do not provide a healthy diet, a safe environment and timely medical care.
Parents and the extended family fail when no one nurtures young minds with books, conversations, and enriching activities that build an understanding of the world in which these children must function.
School boards and superintendents fail when they expect the same results from every teacher regardless of experience or training.
The entertainment industry fails when it markets a steady diet of mindless drivel and gratuitous violence to children.
Businesses fail when jobs are transferred overseas and families are forced into poverty due to lack of employment opportunities.
Law enforcement and social agencies fail when children who are victims of brutality and neglect go unrescued.
Legislators fail when they allow funding inequity and schools in poor neighborhoods to have a fraction of the resources that schools in wealthy neighborhoods have.
State education departments fail when they respond to teacher shortages by lowering professional licensure requirements instead of increasing remuneration or improving working conditions.
Media fail when they do not challenge the myths that one test can evaluate a child’s education; that every child should go to college; or that every social ill can be cured through public schools.
Despite public scorn and accusations of incompetence and isolation, America’s teachers meet the future that walks through our public school doors every day. They buy their own classroom supplies, tutor after school, and stay abreast of the latest research and teaching methods. They grieve when students fail and cheer when they succeed.
I do not know, Mr. President, if it takes a village to raise a child. I do know that it takes more than a school.
Respectfully,
Kathy Neary
Kathy Neary
Editor’s note: Kathy Neary is retired after 34 years as a teacher and union leader, including 12 years on the PSEA Board of Directors.
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