where is he?

i find that no matter how many romantic comedies, ladies nights, self-help quotes, chick-lit books, girl power anthems or conversations starting with "well that could be your boyfriend"  - it all comes down to the fact that this is just not how i saw it. because the way i saw it, there would be no need for any of that. i pictured my life at this juncture much differently, and i just cant come to terms with the fact that my picture is not a reality. nor a possibility. i guess maybe once i do, it will be much easier to move on. to let go. to be fine with myself, as i am, single or attached, whether everything else is figured out or not. and its not like im sad everyday. or i count the hours minutes seconds since us. or that i even wish for what was. but id be lying if i said none of it bothers me.

i dont want to be the 37 year old bride, happy to have finally found the one. i dont want to have wrinkles in my engagement pictures. to have people ask, "how old is she?" to analyze every wrong decision ive made in relationships for the 20 years before it finally worked. to hit that point and realize that maybe im settling. to plan a wedding when i should be watching my first child's kindergarten graduation. to spend the next fifteen years wondering when ill be wearing a ring.

i used to just worry. be a little nervous, anxious, unsure of when id find someone. lately its a different feeling. at the risk of sounding dramatic, its a much stronger feeling. beyond what i felt last summer. last year. last month. im scared. and its quite exhausting. im trying my best to channel charlotte york, and bypass this whole "ive been dating since i was fifteen. im exhausted! where is he?" moment. she wept, she waited, she won. granted, she traded in her christmas tree for a menorah and her hottie husband for a baldie (holla a!) but i can work with that. get me to the era of goldenblatt, please.

dear santa

with all the merriment of this holiday season, one would think it impossible for a person to be even a little down. news flash, hallmark. its possible. and very likely, if said person dwells on that which is not so merry. and what with this being a completely hypothetical situation, i wouldnt truly know what this poor unfortunate soul was going through. but i could venture a guess as to how she was feeling. so in honor of all that is good about the season, and in order to stay sane - shank you very much, ill attempt to create a list of 25 things even santa himself couldnt manage. because im telling you this, if a fat man dropped this motherload off at my house, id be joyous for eternity. in order for you to truly understand the quality of this list, lets just say if this was under my tree, it would cause me to spread enough cheer to make up for the people i was mean to in highschool. that much cheer. brace yourselves people (and possibly send this list to my future husband, just so he knows what hes in for). this is the ultimate christmas list - in no particular order. . .

1.  truffles, truffles and more truffles.
2.  "the best chrismukkah ever"episode of the oc, complete with seth cohen and ryan atwood on my doorstep
3.  christmas carols being sung live on a loop by the glee cast
4.  a boyfriend/fiance/husband - one that does not cheat, lie, or drink too much.
5.  a neverending case of 2001 orin swift's prisoner
6.  a free personal trainer
7.  a mac counter in my bedroom
8.  world peace (why not?)
9.  voice-activated itunes that dl's whatever i want for free, immediately upon hearing me say "i like that song"
10.  enough money to buy christmas gifts for all my students
11.  the cure for cancer, starting with all types of childhood cancer
12.  christian louboutin black pumps
13.  a beach house in downtown sea isle
14.  "the night they saved christmas" on dvd
15.  weezy rapping at my birthday party
16.  a box full of fresh fruit, all of which i can eat without going into anaphylactic shock
17.  a vodka fountain
18.  the ability to swim
19.  a driver - one that takes me too and from everywhere. and picks up my friends :)
20.  freedom from nailbiting
21.  big gran, in her kitchen, showing me how to make meatballs
22.  a closet full of things that would prevent me from ever saying "i have nothing to wear"
23.  another closet full of sharpie pens, post-its and random other nerdy school supplies i love
24.  a good left ankle
25. love, food, friendship, happiness, love, money, peace, family or _________ (fill in the blank with your wish) for everyone who needs it.

thoughtful & thankful

welp, yet again i have slacked in the "thankful" department. not to say that i havent been thankful, i just havent had the time to breathe, let alone post it. not so happy with myself, because im sure there are things im missing. but rehashing is actually giving me the chance to relive the thankfulness so i guess its all good :)

19: an incredible amount of support from coworker friends, old and new, when faced with an impossible situation. and getting thru it without casualties, ha.
20: a grrreat hair day, paired with a supercute new laceback LC sweater. found on sale!
21: relaxation.
22: my crazy great-aunts phyllis and viv. lenox christmas china.
23: the 2nd annual turkeybowl - and more importantly, the teachers not losing to a team of 8th graders again.
24: a mini-summer roomie reunion. james, the worlds most amazing cabbie for humoring us. the entire staff at the crowne (all of whom should get a raise). no one having to drive home on thanksgiving eve.
25: family/friends, zinfandel, justdance2, and mares fantabulous stuffing. and my 2nd successful thanksgiving without d.

after the storm

still in desperate need of the serenity prayer. but i am thankful for many things today.

tomorrow is friday, the end of an excruciatingly long week. detention ran smoothly, with an unexpected positive behavior showing from j. the mutual respect and hardwork was restored in room207. a very surprising choice of "words" not "drawings" present in my homeroom's journals when offered a free day. no arguments heard when readalouds were asked of many hesitant students, leading to participation at an alltime high. the funfilled kickoff to "900cinderellas"encouraged by the enthusiasm of the seventh grade. a somewhat issue-free observation (my first of four this year, due to new contract requirements). the fact that i almost forgot my boss was there, which must mean im doing something right :) a short but sweet dinner with friends. some awesome relationship and love-finding advice, compliments of my good friend l and patti stanger. yummy garlic knots which are impossible to make at home. a couple glasses of one of my favorite zins - gnarly head.

but most of all... a pleasant day after the storm that came after the calm - if that makes any sense. we had the calm, we had the storm. and then after the horror that was yesterday, today was nice. after i broke down (in front of my kids no less) i think they too realized we were at a wall. i sure felt like it. and to be honest, it felt nice to bring someone else into my sinking boat. even better, 27 someone elses. who helped make the holes. id say today was the day we realized we were all in that dinghy together, and we might as well do whatever we could to patch those holes. and i feel like things are better. so we will see. i think we could all use thanksgiving break. heres to coming back, fresh and relaxed, ready to take on the world again.

mindless meditation

today i am thankful for the serenity prayer. it has been running on constant loop, weaving itself through the insanity of my thoughts since this morning. and im not sure what i need most - the serenity, the courage or the wisdom. maybe all three.

spoke too soon

apparently im not quite as good as i thought at being thankful. or at least not at posting it daily. ha. here goes a little catchup -

11: the concentration level and effort of my students on the first "real" benchmark.
12: sleep. and lots of it.
13: catching up with an old friend. and surviving an awkward night.
14: our new friend bern, who taught us a fabulous dice game. and being at the beach.
15: not having the hangover i expected. and my good friend l for sending a picture message worth a thousand words. also, a 10% proficiency increase, booyah.
16: a facebook status with a quote that rings true to me - "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

wish i could write something of substance. however, this large stack of UNgraded papers calls.

piece of cake [or pumpkin pie?]

this whole "being thankful" thing is quite easy. its the daily blogging that trips me up. i often fantasize about what it would be like to be such a sought-after writer, that i could be paid an embarassingly large amount of money to just blog everyday. and then i come back to reality and come to terms with the fact that id be fired, day2. i try, i really do. it just doesnt happen. so im yet again, catching up.

8: finding out that the 8th graders (my students from last year) entered the year at 90% proficiency in reading! wahoo!
9: the kids in my homeroom - again i know, for making mature and thoughtful decisions when i allowed them to choose their own class seats. baby steps :)
10: coworker s for joining me in the "land of misfit toys" and throwing herself into "our" kids as much as i do. i am lucky for her kindred spirit. also, my sister k for baking my three batches of muffins, knowing id be home too late to feel like it. oh and how dare i forget, baked macaroni for dinner. my favorite!

would love to stay and chat, as i am thoroughly enjoying my season of thankfulness, but im busy preparing for my favorite weeks of the curriculum year. did you know that there are over 900 published versions of the cinderella story? aha i bet not. so clearly i have my work cut out for me if i can accurately address this phenomenon.

wooed by the weekend

after spending a refreshing and relaxing weekend with an old friend, i found myself letting loose a little. i couldnt have predicted how good it felt to make the trip on whim, not have any definite plans, and leave hour upon hour to just live. i was sad to leave, but already looking forward to the next visit. with so many people coming into and out of my life, its nice to spend time with someone who knows me so well, even after all these years. it felt fabulous to have an unbiased opinion on many of the topics swirling through my everyday. and, as always, she was incredibly supportive and even made me crack a smile or two.

as more time passes, i find that i am looking more carefully at the things i am thankful for. and on a positive note, they are much more abundant than i had expected. i know im overlapping days here, but this weekend reminded me of how thankful i am for e's friendship. amongst other things...


4: the innocence of a kindergartner who thought her older brother in detention was my boyfriend. and a much-needed night to catch up with two of my best friends.
5: not a single room207 student being reprimanded once on the field trip. and as a result of that pent up energy, a picture that is worth way more than a thousand words (i cant remember the last time i laughed so deeply).
6: the sweet boy at the gas station washing my windows while i waited,without being asked. an amaaazing dinner at crush. finding a purple, childs small, ray lewis jersey instock and purchasing :)
7: a ravens WIN witnessed live in bmore. and the avoidance of a chance meeting with ex d that would most likely have done more damage than good. the extra hour of life gained by daylight savings. oh how i love you, roman clock.

with the start of a new week looming, i am confident that there will be an overload of things i am thankful for in the everyday. i just hope that they will carry me through the uncertainty.

one a day's

with all that is swirling around me, i am trying to keep perspective. since it is the season of giving and appreciating what you have, i plan to try my damnedest to stay positive. and the best way i know how, is as soon as i start to sliiiide down into that slump, i pick myself back up with all that is good about my life. and while it isnt perfect, there are way more than 25 things im thankful for. so this should be easy. i missed a few days, so i will attempt to backtrack. and moving forward, keep track of at least one thing i can say thank you for each day.

1: the boys in my homeroom, who stayed after school to pack up my things and chase/hunt/contemplate the trapping of a mouse that had taken residence in my classroom, while i sat on my desk and cried.
2: a short break from the bedlam of 7th grade, replaced by an inservice workshop that was actually useful and incredibly informative, not to mention new!
3: kind words from a coworker (in appreciation and acknowledgement of all the hard work ive put in schoolwide over the last few weeks) as well as an offer to help transport canned goods to a local shelter in the bed of a truck much larger than mine. also, on a totally unrelated subject - bruce springsteen's born to run on the radio, belting that out never gets old.

it will be a happy november :)

just keep swimming

drowning. its my biggest fear.

for as long as i can remember, the idea of being completely submerged frightens the living daylights out of me. im not sure when it happened, or why, but im deathly afraid of water. i cant swim and ive never been quite sure if that is a result of this fear or just supplemental to the reasons why. i took lessons, at a locally renowned place. i remember holding my nose in the bathtub and ducking underwater to practice. i can even picture the pool, from the smells to the sounds, as if it were yesterday. my heart clenches everytime i think of the dreaded deep-end test, where some lifeguard on a power trip made me tread water for two minutes. i still feel like those two minutes lasted a lifetime.

and thats where it gets blurry. somewhere in between my bubble bath escapades and now, something changed. i own approximately 30 bathing suits, none of which see much water time. and the sight of the ocean as a whole takes my breath away. i havent stepped foot in a pool in ages and im still weirdly afraid ill fall asleep in the tub, submerging myself into doom. i thought id get over it. thought id learn to swim. thought that one day id walk smack into the water and turn into a jellyfish. thought my heart wouldnt start beating a mile a minute at the thought of being dunked. no dice.

and, bear with me, this is where it starts to get worse. i went to the carwash with my sister k and friends the other day. and sitting in the car, listening to the water slosh against the sides, i made the mistake of looking out. it was like my worst fear realized. all i could see was water. out every window. crashing down onto the sunroof. growing louder and faster with each second. something was said and i snapped out of it. but not before noticing my clammy hands, my echoing heartbeat, my catch in breath. what was i so afraid of? what is it about drowning that i just cant seem to get over?

so i started thinking. its more than just drowning. its the feeling of helplessness. the realization that a mere minute ago, i had control. and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. and theres probably not a damn thing i can do to get it back. its the feeling of loss. of everything thats swirling down the drain with me as i go. its like i can watch and catalogue it, but never reach out to grasp it and make it mine again. its the feeling of want. that aching need for breath, for safety, for comfort. for the calm i felt just minutes before. its as if so many thoughts and feelings are going through my head at once, and nothing is clear.

well, maybe one thing is. im drowning. i may not be underwater, running out of breath. but i am most certainly drowning. there is no end in sight, no easy solution, no fast fix. there is no way to stop it or hop off the train. so im trying to push on and get better. for lack of a better analogy, and because i just dont have the strength right now, im trying to swim through this. because there is no other way. it feels like everytime the light breaks through, that big hand of fate comes through the water and crowns my head, pushing me further down without letting me get any air. im just hoping someday soon ill reach the surface. because im running out of air.

into the rabbit hole

alice: theres no use trying. one cant believe impossible things.
white queen: i daresay you havent had much practice. when i was your age, i always did it for half an hour a day. why sometimes, ive believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!

[through the looking glass - lewis carroll]

i know its not anywhere near breakfast. but im quite overwhelmed at the moment. and i need to believe in something. since the possibilities are currently nowhere near endless, im choosing to follow alice into the rabbit hole and believe in the impossible. go big or go home, right?

1. i believe all highways and bridges en route to work will be free of traffic and i will arrive to find ample parking.
2. i believe not one 7th grader will sass me. and that all 7th graders will be emotionally moved by edgar allan poe's "the bells".
3. i believe i can make it through my day without coffee.
4. i believe the darlings in my homeroom will refrain from calling one another "ugly", bring in multitudes of canned goods and act appropriately all day long.
5. i believe i will not give a single thought to and/or check facebook of and/or hold pointless conversations with gentlemen who are clearly not interested in dating me.
6. i believe the next few days will fly by and the weekend will feel decades long.

the saga continues. . .

ive had a little bit of blogger's block lately. it seems that every ounce of my energy goes to making sure my homeroom doesnt end up suspended on a regular basis. and honestly, i couldnt be happier. my kids are tougher than ever, but im truly getting a kick out of them. browsing my unpublished works, i noticed i had quite a few "gems" from last year, waiting to be posted. so in honor of my favorite little hoodrats, heres a little seventh grade love:

the second half of last year proved to make me truly earn my paycheck. as the students got more comfortable in their own skin (and my classroom), the jokes started to flow...

just a few short days before my birthday, m told me i looked damn good for 30. i reminded him that "damn" was not in our vocabulary and i was NOT 30. he took that as his cue for a chance. oh please.

although we butted heads multiple times last year, one of the sassiest girls in my homeroom also made for a few good laughs. especially this one in february:
me: have you ever heard someone say "you shouldnt throw stones if you live in a glass house?"
k: ummmmm 50cent?
me: seriously?! and "if you got a glass jaw you should watch your mouth" right?
k: holy shit, miss l. you so hood.
me: oh yes, im very hood. finish reading.

spring fever brought the good times. never have i ever gotten punched in the jaw by an eighth grader. ohhhhh wait...

me: what do i reallyyy hate?
various students: bad spellers. traffic. techno music. red nailpolish. chili dogs for lunch. math. people who dont recycle. brown markers. diet soda. emily dickinson poems.
me: whoooa really?
f: face it, miss l. you be drinkin haterade for breakfast.

things got really ridiculous in may. my kids were slowly "checking out" for the school year. on one particular day, the students had to use vocab words in original sentences to show proof of their meaning. t wrote - the young money crew is goin thru tumultuous times. when i asked for an explanation, he said "times is tough. weezys locked up." needless to say, i accepted it. and it was times like those, that i found myself questioning whether i had checked right out with them.

not to be outdone, june went out with a bang. a new student j, obviously on leave from whatever school she was currently failing the 7th grade at and vacationing with us in hopes that wed pass her along unknowingly (happens more than youd like to think), brightened my day with her adorable charm and good manners. sarcasm much?
me: you need to try and fit your life into a 6 word memoir. for example, william shakespeare said "to thine own self be true."
j: im done. (counts on her fingers) "i hate language arts and you."
me: hmmm. (counting on mine) "enjoy your big fat F, sweetie."

after a funfilled summer of dreams, it was back to reality. i was faced with a new crop of lovelies and quite worried that the pure unadulterated entertainment of seventh grade wit would not measure up to the previous year. not to worry. this years crew is already giving me a run for my money.

as of the second day of school, my homeroom was on cafeteria probation (i couldnt explain that if i tried). a week later, they were banned from music until they could "stop using the f word," j told the secretary to kiss her chocolate ass and j took off his pants in my classroom.

i will say this. although the kids in the past have been funny, my new crew blows them out of the water with one-liners.
j: youre comin to our homecoming game right?
me: yes i promised.
j: well we got you something you might need. (t hands me an umbrella)
me: please explain?
t: just want you to be prepared when we make it rain out there.

a few days later, j hands me a bunch of mums, freshly picked [aka stolen]. when i asked what they were for, he told me his mother instructed him to always bring a date flowers. however, i think he was confused. his idea of a date was the following days detention. inappropriate?

GOD I LOVE MY JOB!  :)

barbie and ken 101

wow. one of my kids introduced me to rafael casal today and my jaw is permanently dropped. my student j prefaced the piece of slam poetry with the fact that "its not school appropriate" which is usually my first question. he asked if it would still be okay to tell me about the poem. obvi i said yes. if something in the world of writing was moving my not-so-motivated, never engaged boy, then hell yes id take a listen. if youre not familiar, slam poetry is often considered a more urban look at poems. often the poetry bounces back and forth between structured form and free verse, bordering on a freestyle rap. slam poetry is incredibly popular in the internet world and hipster areas where coffee shops feature local slam poets as a kind of open-mic night. i am a huuuge fan of slam poetry, especially for my kids. their worlds change when i introduce them to this much more approachable version to the reality of poetry. and after multiple youtube vids and quite a long search for the transcript, i bring you the man who just may have gotten j to get involved and stay awake during language arts. thank you, mr. casal. youve made one more kid realize the power of words.

[barbie and ken 101 by rafael casal]

sometimes i feel like im sittin in the back row of barbie and ken 101,

a class we are all in but never seem to learn from.

some general ed requirement for students of american culture.

one that convinces even the brightest of young women 

that sex is survival of the thinnest.

and im sick of this education that doesnt serve our best interests.

my teacher has no face;

she is every revlon model women have ever chased.

her lectures come through magazines in beauty shops, ad campaigns.

shit, just turn on your tv. this just in!

a skewed perspective for todays youth:

yall ladies aint thin enough, fellas aint trim enough.

wana be sexy? yall dont go to the gym enough. 

cut to commercial.

come on, just come tune into our maintenance team,

convince you youre ugly 

then tell you how to fix it with maybelline.

perpetually started by these dolls marketed in the late 50s named

barbie and ken. 

hence the class im in. are you following? shit didnt end.

they keep moldin barbie to fit new trends.

maybe next theyll have club hoppin barbie

with thongs as accessories;

video hoe barbie, abusive boyfriend sold seperately;

underage barbie, kobe bryant included;

or 9/11 victim barbie and ken is proud to get recruited.

problem is all these teachings are womans decay and im startin

to worry cause my girl is up front and shes getting an a.

this is where i start getting pissed off, okay?

when the f did it become all about "tuckin in the gut,

i gotta get a bigger breast, shit i wana fit a little better in a dress,

so let me get a little skinny, gotta git into an itty bitty size slimmer

so i liven up the chest" please.

teacher, teacher i wana give my oral presentation

cause i have a problem with the class, and matter of fact,

i have a fat ass grudge with the whole administration.

youre the reason my girl wont eat in front of me in restaurants,

the reason she thinks that shes overweight in over ten spots.

less gut, less pudge, less lunch, less real.

more looks, more love, more barbie appeal?

f barbie and ken.

my future daughter will never play with them.

youre the reason bleedin fifteen year old girls arms are slit.

you made twelve year old girls think skinny was a compliment.

and now its too late.

i cant write my way through this bathroom door

so i raise my hand in class cause i cant stand it anymore.

teacher, teacher your lectures all backwards.

you got mothers and daughters forgetting what matters.

cause above tits, ass, lips, legs and uggs

the most attractive women are the ones who dont give a f.

so screw your teachings, your lessons and plans,

you skewed sick distant relative of the man,

your plan for brainwashing my baby? i reject.

im walkin out of this class and i will proudly take my f.

a little respect

ladies, let me give you some advice. you can throw all your stupid fucking chick lit, self-help, why-doesnt-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: men will treat you the way you let them. there is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he wont associate with you. its really that simple.  [tucker max - i hope they serve beer in hell]

why is it that so many times in life, we claim that we are demanding respect, when in fact, thats not the least were willing to accept? i know im just as guilty of this as the next person. but my question is why. what makes us think that a little respect, or a different persons opinion of respect, or sometimes no respect at all, is enough? ive read the silly books tucker talks about. ive gone through the stages. the denial, the realization, the depression, the optimism, the empowerment. ive been beat down and pulled back up, ready to start again and find someone who is, in fact, just that into me. and faster than you can say "all you need is love," i throw myself back into the dating game, absolutely positive that mr. right is just around the corner, waiting to be scooped up by newly confident, freshly romanticized me. and yet, weeks or even months later, i find myself nose to toes in another book that promises to bring out the best version of me whos ready to find the one.

tucker has a valid point. men will absolutely treat you the way you let them. i know i often accept less than what i think i deserve, falling back into the idea that there really is no such thing as perfect. and if its good now, or it was good at one point, or it has the potential to be good, why ruin a "good" thing? but is that really my definition of good? and if it is, then dont i want better? i know i deserve someone who will treat me well. but aside from that, i can deserve deserve deserve til im blue in the face. it doesnt mean ill get it. i enjoy his use of the word demand. there is a world of difference between deserve and demand. by accepting the less than acceptable, i am lowering the standards of what i deserve. and im sure as hell not demanding anything at that point.

i spent a good portion of this summer, preaching about what i deserved, but not really demanding it. i learned alot about myself this summer, especially as a single girl. and to be honest, she scares me a little. single me is like a bipolar teenager. one minute im happy as a clam, skipping through life with a smile on my face and a vwl in hand. the next, im listening to van morrison on repeat and contemplating spending a week in bed. the extremes are almost too much. and i know im dramatic. always have been. doubt thats going to change anytime soon. and for the most part, i wasnt on opposite end of the looney bin spectrum. i was floating somewhere in the middle, figuring things out as i went. but in particular situations, i found myself way too close to the deep end.

i cant put my finger on why certain things bothered me more than others, only venturing to guess that you cant help how you feel. hopefully, ive cleared some of the clutter. but ive been struggling with it all for awhile now, and honestly, struggling with this post as well. i still dont feel like its finished or im "done" but will i ever be? i should be. tucker gives it to me straight. either he will respect me or he wont associate with me. ding ding, i think we have our answer. and ill be honest, theres not an overflow of respect going on over here, so i think you can imagine with path he chose. so why am i not done? hopefully, in posting, i will find some answers and rekindle my arena for letting my thoughts out. and with that, maybe ill find a solution. or at least put an end to some of this nonsense swimming around in my head. somethings got to give, right?

why are you single?

its the most annoying question and they just cant help asking you. youll be asked it at family gatherings, particularly weddings. men will ask you it on first dates. therapists will ask you over and over again. and youll ask yourself it far too often. its the question that has no good answer, and that never makes anyone feel better. its the question, that when people stop asking it, makes you feel even worse.

and yet, i cant help but ask. why are you single? you seem like an awfully nice person. and very attractive. i just dont understand it.

but times are changing. in almost every country around the world, the trend is for people to remain single longer and to divorce more easily. as more and more women become economically independent, their need for personal freedom increases, and that often results in not marrying so quickly.

a human being's desire to mate, to pair up, to be part of a couple, will never change. but the way we go about it, how badly we need it, what we are willing to sacrifice for it, most definitely is.

so maybe the question isnt anymore, "why are you single?"  maybe the question you should be asking yourself is "how are you single?" its a big new world out there and the rules keep changing. so, tell me ladies, hows it going?

[how to be single by liz tuccillo]

one of the saddest moments in my summer (slash life?) to date: a boy i was quite interested in, wakes up on the left side of my bed the morning after the first night he sleeps there and rolls over to get smacked in the face with a book on my nightstand titled "how to be single" - ugh. if thats not a red flag, i dont know what is. he makes a joke about the ridiculousness of it all, obviously. at which point, poor pitiful me tries to remedy the situation by immediately feeling the overwhelming need to explain that, duh, its not a self-help book, but merely a novel. a little light beach reading, if you will. why oh why couldnt a witty and charming excuse leave my lips that allowed me to giggle my way out of that conversation, while simultaneously flipping my perfect morning hair over my shoulder and appearing relaxed? weirdly enough, things progressed smoothly from there. for awhile at least. and now, the crazy dance that is my brain function, is wondering why things didnt work out with said boy. [sidenote: he is being called a boy, because he is, in fact, a boy. if he were a man, or even an almost man, i would use the term that applies.] now, my mind wanders to that very moment. so thank you, liz, for your attempt to save my singledom that likewise thwarted current efforts to change that status. and being the rational, level headed being that i am, i have chosen to blame this unrelationship purely on liz. at least for the next moment or two of pouting. once i settle myself, i will begin to address the question she (and everyone else i know) is asking me. or not asking. which, as she mentions, is quite possibly worse. 

how am i single? gosh, i dont know. im a catch. someone should have scooped me up by now. but before i go on about the many redeeming qualities i possess, lets cut to the chase. i honestly think liz should stop sugarcoating the obvious and revert back to her previous question. why am i single? let me count the ways. i could babble for hours about the reasons why i am probably single. but in the days (weeks) i have reread and edited and rewrote this particular blog post, i believe i have narrowed it down. let the circus begin...

some people are weird about germs or the color of boys socks or sharing food. and i do not judge them. so please do not judge me for the following. reason one: i cannot date a poor speller. its all fun and games while hes making cute conversation at the bar, but the first text message that reads "your a great girl" or "im definately excited to see you" is like nails on a chalkboard to me. i guess that would fall under poor grammar as well. but cmon people. this may be me, being a little compulsive, but thats life. i truly cannot get over it. there have been many a cute boy who fell victim to this trap. and only a select few made it through. most likely because they did not possess any of the following qualities. i chose poor spellers as the first reason, because i figured if you were still reading at this point and not throwing up, you look past my shallow as a kiddie pool exterior and love me for who i am on the inside. a legit looney bin. on to the next one. reason two: i am obsessive compulsive to the n'th degree and that is something that will never change. the sheer sight of dishes not loaded into an empty dishwasher and instead left in what was the freshly scrubbed sink is enough to send me to the couch for hours with cucumber slices over my eyes and the sounds of my tranquil rain forests itunes playlist in the background. i know. im being extreme. but that does not mean there was not a day [or possibly days] that d found me in that exact position. life is hard. my job is hard. bills and money woes and cooking dinner is hard. some things should just be easy. and if you cannot provide me with those small comforts, then youre stamping your own expiration date. reason three:  i am incredibly impatient. if i call you, i expect you to answer. if i text you, i expect a prompt response. or at least a response at all. if we make plans, i do not expect you to break them for some asinine reason. ok, maybe i shouldnt say im impatient. i have the utmost patience for that cute woman spending close to an hour in the crosswalk. or a seventh grader with horrid test taking skills who needs an extra two hours to finish. or a small child reading his or her way through a book for the first time. or a bride walking slowly down an aisle to take it all in on the happiest day of her life. what i do not have patience for, is your purposeful shortcomings. there is no reason why a grown ass man cannot manage to both charge and use a cell phone properly. or make and keep plans. if there is no medical or psychological reason for your flakiness, then get your shit together. and call me when you do. reason four: i am not willing to settle. so hes an investment banker who is willing to spend lots of cash money on you; but hes a cheater. so hes a really down to earth guy who treats you well; but gets sloppy drunk and immature like a high schooler with his first beer every single time he goes out with the guys. so hes in a similar career field and you have so much in common; but his views on family and religion and commitment in general suck. its not six to one, half dozen to the other when it comes to relationships. i want it all.

does that mean im only willing to be with someone whos a pure italian, practicing catholic, rich with a six figure job and fully functional family background? no. but there are certain qualities that im looking for. many of which i have found the complete opposite of in relationships past. do i regret anything? no, because it has taught me what i want and what i deserve. so there you go, liz. and everyone. that is why im single. im sure there are a bazillion other reasons, many centering on my inability to be a respectable half of a relationship, but for now, thats all ive got. i know that some of the above is a little ridiculous, and will change with time. but at least im being honest with myself. i do not think the entirety of the reason im single is due to the guy. i know im an active player in the game of my singledom. but i just cant see myself settling. not now, not ever. until then. . . this is how im single. 

nineteen minutes

"in nineteen minutes, you can mow the front lawn, color your hair, watch a third of a hockey game. in nineteen minutes, you can bake scones or get a tooth filled by a dentist; you can fold laundry for a family of five. nineteen minutes is how long it took the tennessee titans to sell out of tickets to the play-offs. its the length of a sitcom, minus the commercials. its the driving distance from the vermont border to the town of sterling, new hampshire. in nineteen minutes, you can order a pizza and get it delivered. you can read a story to a child or have your oil changed. you can walk a mile. you can sew a hem.

in nineteen minutes, you can stop the world, or you can just jump off it. in nineteen minutes, you can get revenge."

[nineteen minutes by jodi picoult]

i tested the theory of nineteen minutes. i sat, completely alone, on the back porch of my beach house, on a weeknight, where the street was practically deserted. no cell phone, no computer, no book. just me and my thoughts. nineteen minutes is longer than you think. i thought of what to add to this list, what could be done in nineteen minutes. and once you read the novel, you will agree, that life can change in nineteen minutes. if you are a teacher or caregiver or mother (or planning to be one someday) and havent read this book, do yourself a favor.

teach me how to dougie

i feel as though i am strictly doing my duty as a teacher of the hood by bringing you this next post. my kids have taught me many life lessons. but some of the most important ones, i have gained by simply interacting with their everyday lives. a preface - my students are nothing like me. when i say nothing, i mean, probably the only thing we have in common is the fact that we all blink and use the word "the" in at least one sentence daily. thats about where the similarities end. this is one of the larger reasons why i love my job so much. i dont want to stare out at a classroom of kids who grew up just like me, with families and homes and lives just like mine. i dont want to teach a cookie cutter group of me's who look and act and speak like i do. i find great joy in the diversity my students bring to my life everyday. and i find their lifestyles, while sometimes depressing and maddening, incredibly fascinating. i step out of my car every morning and into an entirely different world, one which i was not privy to in the past 25 years of my life. and honestly, had i not gotten this job, a world i might never have seen. youre probably thinking, jesus schools out. what is this looney bin doing thinking about those crazy kids she complained about for the last nine months? a little over a week ago she was skipping off school grounds, thanking the dear lord she didnt have to return until august. and youre right. but like i said, it takes a little while for me to miss the hooligans. and usually something triggers it. often, not something spectacularly dignified or important, but a menial moment that brings to mind the reason why i show up everyday. my friend l asked me recently how i was enjoying my mental break from the likes of j and crew, a few of my extra special treasures from this past year. which got me to thinking of the time i bribed, i mean asked j's little brother to trade me his 80s prize box sunglasses for two bouncy balls and a sticker. [sidenote: these were obviously beach house necessities! i gave the kid two extra prizes for them!] so over the past few days, ive been thinking more and more of my kids. and id like to catalogue a few of the things i like (and miss) most.

the clothes - these kids wear the craaaaziest things. my school requires uniforms in specific colors only, due to the gang violence and nature of the surrounding area. students are required to wear khaki or black pants, and white gray or royal blue polo shirts. youd think id be looking at a sea of clones. hell no! i have never seen headbands, jewelry, scarves, undershirts, belts, socks, stockings and shoes in so many varieties. its like they have seventeen closets of accessories at home. as someone who only ever buys sneakers for what they look like, i can appreciate a nice pair of kicks. im talking every color and pattern of the rainbow. im surprised some of these shoes dont play dvd's or fly you to the moon. by far my favorite pair ever? a pair of hightop nike airforce onces (holla at your boy ss!) with composition book print. would i ever buy these? if i grew a set, maybe. im way too chicken. but id love to, in another life where im much more fly. also, my obsession with dress down days grows weekly. after seeing my kids in the same getup everyday, i think i get more excited than they do. its amazing to see what they look like in the "real world" outside of school.

the music - i pride myself on being quite the hiphop connoisseur, much to the chagrin of most of my friends. a large portion of my ipod is dedicated to rap stylings. however, when your homeroom student m comes in every monday, telling you of the weekly jams, you will download things you never knew existed. while many were deleted due to sheer lack of necessity in my life, a few gems were saved. among my favorites, here are some which changed our lives forever: beamer benz or bentley - lloyd banks, its my time - fabolous, all i do is win - dj khaled, and the latest... teach me how to dougie - california swag district. thank you, my little cherubs, for bringing all of the unforgettable moments into my life that those songs provided. 

the slang - im sure in some schools, kids say the darndest things. in my classroom, i would use a much smaller expletive to describe the things they say. when im not talking to my kids, there is a major conversation piece missing. although i am much too old, amongst other things, to use their lingo, i thoroughly enjoy listening to it. and, ive been known to throw it into my speech occasionally, just to keep them on their toes. 

for those of you sheltered folk, you may need to urbandictionary the likes of many of these terms. small warning, this is nothing like your grandmothers merriam webster. be ready to be hit with some wisdom. thank you my children, because i now know what i means to be drawlin, swaggin, down ass, heavy and creepin. i also know what a jawn, a dougie, a becky and a louie are. ive been called ill and silly, ballin and broke. i know how to make it clap, make it stack, make it scrap, and make it black. i have an apple and im nice... but those two terms dont refer to a fruit or a personality trait, respectively. im sure im forgetting some of the classics. but note to self, invest in personal blank dictionary to fill with next years language. could be the life of a party. ive been told by many that i have a way with words, but ive clearly got nothing on these kids.

so whenever im feeling a little down and out, i think of my kids. and while they drive me totally off the wall bananas until about november, im very much looking forward to getting to know a whole slew of newbies in a couple weeks. am i ready? probably not. but hopefully theyll learn something from me. and i sure as hell know ill learn from them. 

the power of she

i write because its therapeutic. because sometimes there is no one who truly understands, try as they might. because i often find the answers in my words where i least expected them. because im trying to take my mind off the inevitable. because im stalling for time, hoping that i can get lost somewhere in my words. many friends have told me they find solace in my words, and i thank them for that. i hate taking credit for my writing because the words seem to just come from nowhere. its nothing i could have learned or practiced. its not something i work at and pat myself on the back for. its just a gift. one that i honestly thank god for everyday and dont know how id live without. more often than not, however, i find more comfort in the words of others. i am just about the furthest thing from a feminist. but sometimes you need a little girl power. and for those of you who cant seem to find it in the spice girls never give up on the good times lyrics, here is something that may resound a little more clearly with you:

she  [by kobi yamada]

she must be something special. she is.

celebrate her.

she loved life and it loved her back.

celebrate her passion.

she listened to her heart above al other voices.

celebrate her wisdom. 

she pursued big dreams instead of small realities.

celebrate her priorities.

she saw every ending as a new beginning.

celebrate her resiliency.

she discovered her real measurements had nothing to do with numbers or statistics.

celebrate her self esteem.

she was kind, loving and patient...with herself.

celebrate her tenderness.

she woke up one day and threw away all her excuses.

celebrate her accountability.

she realized that she was missing a great deal by being sensible.

celebrate her spirit.

she turned her cant's into cans and her dreams into plans.

celebrate her goals.

she ignored people who said it couldnt be done.

celebrate her independence.

she had a way of turning obstacles into opportunities.

celebrate her magic.

she went out on a limb, had it break off behind her and discovered she could fly.

celebrate her faith.

she discovered she was the one shed been waiting for.

celebrate her self reliance.

she added so much beauty to being human.

celebrate her presence.

she walked in when everyone else walked out.

celebrate her friendship.

she just has this way of brightening the day.

celebrate her radiance.

she made the whole world feel like home.

celebrate her warmth.

she decided to enjoy more and endure less.

celebrate her choices.

she decided to start living the life shed imagined.

celebrate her freedom.

she colored her thoughts with only the brightest hues. 

celebrate her optimism.

she was an artist and her life was her canvas.

celebrate her brilliance.

she ran ahead where there were no paths.

celebrate her bravery.

she crossed borders recklessly, refusing the recognize limits, saying bonjour and bon giorno as though she owned both france and italy and the day itself.

celebrate her joie de vivre.

she held her head high and looked the world straight in the eye.

celebrate her strength.

she not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel; she became the light for others.

celebrate her compassion.

she designed a life she loved.

celebrate her joy.

she took the leap and built her wings on the way down.

celebrate her daring.

she said bye bye to unhealthy relationships.

celebrate her happiness.

she remained true to herself.

celebrate her authenticity.

she made the world a better place to be. 

celebrate her.

to give credit where it is due, two incredibly important women in my life turned me on to this poem. my little sister k found it while browsing for a "where would i be without you" gift for her teaching mentor. and oddly enough, my teaching mentor c used to jot lines from the poem on sticky notes and leave them on my desk during the many trying days of my first year. i often wondered where she found lines to fit each day, whether heartbroken, frustrated, giddy, or frightened. those silly little notes may be what kept me sane. and i saved every one. i knew it was a poem, but it wasnt until i read it in its entirety that i understood its true meaning. ive probably read it a million times, and it still gives me goosebumps. its very empowering as a whole. but if you take the time to peel it apart layer by layer, youll see a little bit of all the women you know. and if youre being honest with yourself, you will be able to relate. i have accomplished some of the lines in this poem. and i celebrate myself. and obviously, there are others i am still working on. but i know i will get there. and when that day arrives, i will celebrate. 

the world of hookups

i recently read an article about "how to find love in a world of hookups" that opened my eyes to many valid points. it started by being openly honest about the ridiculousness of the 1990's ultimatum boom. now, ive been known to throw an ultimatum out there in my day. is it right? no. but it works. i feel like this is mostly due to the fact that im quite the wordsmith and its remarkably easy for me to twist the idea in ways that make it seem that the "ultimatum" was actually the other persons incredible idea. and then its just wee little me, agreeing with said idea. and for many women, the ultimatum works. men either know theyre putting a ring on it or watching it walk away. but im impressed by the fact that this article refutes the cliche of ultimatums, forcing women (and men) to take accountability for their own role in a relationship. or hookup. it goes on to say what we all know is true. although many are settling down, most young adults are taking their time. it is no longer a requirement for a woman to be wifed (and knocked) up and barefoot in the kitchen of her first home at the ripe young age of 22. people are taking longer to find love, cultivate it slowly and surely, and settle down.

which, in the current midst of my quarter life crisis in which i envision myself in my old maid rocking chair feeding my bazillion cats in the next few years, i find very soothing. without repeating the saga you know all too well, i was ultimatum girl about a year ago. it still shocks me that im weeks away from being single for an entire year. july 11, and yes im a freak for knowing the exact date but i intend to throw myself a single ladies party complete with personal bottle of patron that day, in order to completely and utterly forget the love story that wasnt. but at this point last year, i was full of the "what ifs." i was probably either contemplating or in the midst of yet another talk about when i would be sporting a rock. unfortunately, and i cringe at my own neediness of this event, many of these talks were being had with my significant other. who was notttt feeling it. was he still in love with me at that point? probably. was i subconsciously doing everything in my power to revoke that love? ohhh yea. for all of you throwing stones right now, remember that you were probably ultimatum girl at some point. she is needy, insecure, uncomfortable, and basically a babbling mess of tears and unfulfilled dreams. shes not a pretty picture, but shes real. and i can honestly say, if i were to go back and do it all again, i would still be her. i was at a dark point, knowing that it was a last ditch effort. i think i knew full well we werent going to be together forever. i might have even known we wouldnt make it through our lease. but i wasnt ready to let go of that vision. i immaturely thought that letting him know just how badly i wanted to fix it, and just how happy id be with a ring, and just how heartbroken i would be without him, and just how sorry he would be if he lost me, that maybe hed get it. 

its one of those out of body experiences. like watching a movie, starring your own pitiful self. and sometimes you need to seriously look at yourself and throw that girl out. who needs her? i was not half of a person when i met him. i was whole. and sooner or later, i would become whole again. which brings me to the actual point. the article does not say anything about exboyfriends or engagement rings, but it did make me think about the person i was when i was with d. weirdly enough, i was all set to play stepford wife, complete with bouffant hair and paisley apron. just because that was what was expected.  i was failing to look around at the bazillions of young people around me just living. i was already a 50year old woman, trapped by the confines of my unhappily married life. at the time, i thought that was who i wanted to be. now i realize its not. im not knocking my tons of married/engaged/pregnant friends. this works for many people! and who knows, if i were with someone else in a different situation, it may have worked for me too. but i was in it for the wrong reasons.

and this is where the article gets really good. i have now dealt with the "love" piece and will move on to the obviously more fun part, the "hookup." the casual hookup has gotten a bad reputation over the years. meeting a guy in a bar was a no no. and the major reason why i loved this article is, it asks why not?  there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. do i think ill find my husband when im drinking a lemonade dinner at the sunday jam? or when my feet are caked in bar sludge? or when im knee deep in the most banging late night pizza in the history of the world? doubtful. but its highly possible that i will meet someone who is just as drunk and giddy as i am. and probably interested in having a good time. i know i know, you all have these life changing stories of about sixty million people who have found love in a bar, have met their soul mate at happy hour, or have given the chance to the poor schmuck enjoying a post-bar snack next to them on a park bench. and maybe it happens. but in order for someone to actually create something meaningful from these situations, there needs to be some amount of work. being a currently active member of what was a casual hookup, i found the rest very interesting. its about being honest, first with yourself, and then with the other half of alleged hookup. it gives advice for both ends of the spectrum. and its mostly about talking - talking about what you need and want from the situation, talking not only with yourself but with the other person involved. and as a woman of many (and many many many many more) words, i find this piece very comforting. if theres one thing i can do without practice or planning, its talk. on one hand, if you truly are looking just for fun, speak your mind. let that lucky man piece know that its all youre interested in. dont talk about career goals, little sisters softball games, or that amazing recipe you tried last week. let him know, it is what it is. and if youre meeting the types of guys i currently am, this is music to their commitment-phobic ears. let him know what you like and dont like, and tell him if he doesnt do it, hes out. on to the next one? on the other hand, if you are looking for something more, again let him know. speak your mind or youll forever be biting your nails, wondering what hes thinking or where this is going. this right here, ladies, is the hard part. i usually know what i want. but its often difficult to get that out. but in honor of all of my wonderful friends and their stories of love found in the most random places, i will take the advice of this article and speak my mind. here goes nothing!

celebrate good times, cmon!

i am on top of the world. pssa scores came in early. a little birdy [aka s] told me where i just might be able to locate my own. and those comparable from the rest of the middle schools in the district. at first, i thought it was to teach me a lesson. here, d, this is what your scores look like now as a new teacher, but look what you can achieve. look at the other 7th grade teachers. look at your 8th grade mentor. but then i realized why he showed me. obviously my mentor c kicked pssa ass. i hope in ten years to come close to her scores. i say "scores" but i really mean the skills and teaching abilities she has that brings her kids to that point. but the best part was 7th grade. not only did i break the goal barrier for the district, but i beat the rest of the district for 7th, by at least 8%. whaaaat? now i know i shouldnt be this giddy about the fact that i "beat" my colleagues in what is clearly not a "contest" or "game" of any kind. but as a new teacher, its extremely rewarding. im finally starting to believe what everyone has been telling me all year. im doing something right. my kids took this test so seriously. they showed up to school (on time even!) having eaten breakfast and gone to bed early. they asked questions and used the unraavel strategy. they wrote rough drafts and edited. they used reading skills and vocabulary strategies. and god, they took their time! they gave it a bazillion and one percent. and, if you remember my crazy rant, i near lost my mind. it was the most difficult week i can remember. the feeling of helplessness would not go away. i knew there was nothing i could do at that point. i had brought them to the water, but could not make them drink. i had shown them how and practiced with them. but they had to do it on their own. and THEY DID IT! its like having the most exciting news in the world and not being able to share it with anyone! i want to hug them all tomorrow and say, you did it! you rock! youre amazing! but i cant. i really shouldnt say much more, on the off chance that my superintendent (who thinks my name is dana and i used to work for the 100book challenge corporation) might stumble across my wee little blog and realize im leaking confidential state testing information. yikes! regardless, ill be sleeping on cloud nine tonight. WAHOO!

99 problems, and they all bitches.

thats where youre wrong, kid cudi. ive actually got 107. but yes, theyre all bitches right about now. i just need to survive four more days. report cards are in, grades have been finalized, summer school is rostered, textbooks have been collected. im in the process of cleaning/packing up my room, with a little help from my favorite behavior problems. the sad fact is, ill miss them in about a week. it usually takes that long. by the end of christmas break, im actually itching to get back in there. spring break feels like an eternity. outside looking in, im sure this sounds insane. a teacher who doesnt look forward to time off? dont get me wrong. i love it. its what keeps me sane and gives me the strength to go back next year. i appreciate the time off my job allows. especially with a summer of beach looming in the near future. but if i didnt miss the kids, would i be in the right profession? they drive me up the wall on a regular basis, but i wouldnt have it any other way. ill think of them all at one point this summer. and i can count on one hand the number of students whose names will make me cringe. and next year, ill cry my way through september, wondering how ill ever survive. forgetting again, how unruly and wild my students were when they walked through the halls of seventh grade at the beginning of the year. ill say "oh my god these kids are terrible. last years kids werent half as bad" and "ill never accomplish anything with this type of behavior" and "these are test scores? they look like shoe sizes. well never make ayp this year" all the while ceasing to remember that i was in the same position this year. and eventually, the tears will subside and ill be at thanksgiving break, seeing the light at the end of the crazy tunnel. someone just remind me to read this post everyday next september.

just six words?

legend says that my man ernest hemingway was asked to write the story of his life in under ten words. one version of the story places him in a bar, trying to scrounge together a way to pay off a lengthy bar tab. he apparently used his wit and writing skill to weasel his way out of that one. another version of the story says that he challenged a classy lunch table full of high caliber writers to ante up. and they balked. so into the pot went their $10 bills. winner takes all? he certainly did. still another version contains a lengthier version of hemingway's story, similar to a classified ad featured next to an article he wrote for a local paper. and unless were hopping in the delorean for the night with doc brown, we have no way of knowing what really happened. regardless, mission accomplished. he created something that he later called his best work. and what came from this urban legend is perhaps one of the most poignant and mysterious pieces of writing to this day:

"for sale: baby shoes, never worn."

excuse me, what? at first glance, the story makes no sense. but break it apart. its an advertisement. a person is trying to sell something they will no longer use. and by the looks of it, something they have never used. as far as ads go, this one seems pretty solid. think of yourself as an old school craigs list buyer. things are hardly ever new/unused. youve practically hit the jackpot. but have you? the simple, yet evocative story begs many questions. who is selling said shoes? is it a man, a woman, a couple? and why are they willing to sell the shoes? why dont they have any use for them? hemingway's story makes me absolutely mad with thoughts. on one hand, i believe this: he was often looked at as a remarkably mature writer, someone who had lived beyond his years. even at a young age, and early in his writing career, hemingway showed maturity in everything from his word choice to experiential nature. he wrote with the tenderness and wisdom of an old man who had seen and done quite a bit. many agree that his development as a writer did not follow a steep upward slope; he started out so advanced that there wasnt much room to build. that being said, i look at his "baby shoes" as the foundations of his writing career. he never needed to learn how to crawl and then walk. he started off at a run. he never felt the need to wear those baby shoes. he started right off with a pair of chuck taylors. high tops, preferably. and thats what i refer to as my "serendipity" version. its a lovely story, right? but most likely, its not the case. ernest hemingway was also looked at as a very dark writer. many of his novels and plays do not end with lines evoking the "happily ever after" feeling. people in his works often leave their families, fall out of love, get killed in wars, and generally live a life of loneliness and heartbreak. hes no edgar allan poe, but he gets deep with it. he has often been referred to as an emotion-squasher, for lack of a better word. he gives you all of the facts and events, and leaves you to weep on your own. many of his novels force the reader to look at the truth, when they would much rather sugar coat it or replace it with a much prettier version. and unfortunately, many believe that the baby shoes belonged to a baby, one who was never able to wear them. in almost all of hemingways writing, there is a sense of loss. the story i think is most likely true, sad as it may be, is about the loss of a child. his child maybe? in this version, hes selling the shoes because his child never got the chance to wear them. hes not only selling the physical shoes, but the memories of the child who would never walk in them. he was known to mask many emotions and push negativity aside, not dealing with his issues. so instead of dealing with this loss, he is pushing it away, selling it to someone who may be able to create better memories.

and now that ive officially depressed you all, theres a purpose! smith magazine took this phenomenon and turned it into an online contest. the contest to create a piece of flash fiction, following in the footsteps of ernest hemingway, led to a series of books. people from all over the world, in all walks of life, not separated by race or age or interest, famous and obscure, submitted entries. i find myself completely enthralled by this idea. i cant get enough of it. im a really big play on words person so this is like my dream read. and with the end of the school year rapidly approaching, grades already finalized, and a week left of trying to keep the mayhem to a minimum so my students dont tear the place apart, i thought i would give it a try. this week ive asked my students to try to create their own memoirs, in six words. i found a bunch of cool youtube videos that other schools put together, and i have all three books by smith magazine. i actually found a bunch more online as well. i have some of my favorites hanging in my room. the kids are really enjoying it and truly thinking about it. its not as easy as it sounds to sum your entire life up into just six words. not five. not seven. for me, thats the hardest part. what, my long-winded self isnt having trouble keeping it below 500 words? well, obviously i am. but once i got it down there, it seems like everything i wrote was either five or seven words. never six. im still struggling. stay tuned! and also, if you so feel the urge, try it. i cant wait to see what some of my kids come up with. obviously, ill post when theyre done. just cross your fingers that theyre better than jazzmyn's "i hate language arts and you." attempt. not exactly what i was hoping for. . .

double double...

...issues bubble, i am in A LOT of trouble.  i know, thats not the real poem. but clever, right? apologies for the double post. cant sleep, waiting for the glorious fog of oblivion to kick in (thanks cp). also, sorry for the cybil-esque nature of this post. it will absolutely refute all thoughts from the former. enjoy it while you can, because odds are, i will wake up lucid and delete immediately. 

the real reason i wrote today was this. in the middle of todays conversation with a friend, he mentioned something in passing, totally nonchalant, that made my stomach drop clear to my knees. it wasnt a statement meant to send shock waves, or probably even meant to halt the conversation in any way. but it stopped me dead in my tracks. in actuality, he had just complimented me on my recent zen-like state. i attributed it to the fact that, as of the new year, immediately after quite a breakdown, i decided to let it be. it doesnt always work and im not always so free. but im trying. and as someone who has known me pretty well for a long time, he has seen me wound quite tightly. so this "new" me is still somewhat of a shocker to him. face it, it is to most people who know me. and i cant put my finger on why, or explain what caused this change. it just is. in the midst of this talk, i made a joke about this calm not lasting through the storm of the summer. and he made a joke about a situation i might find myself in, come end of summer, that would put me over the edge. it was meant to get a laugh out of me. and it should have. but instead, i found myself feeling like i had gotten the wind knocked out of me by a linebacker. which is the exact opposite response of a person who is not emotionally invested in a situation.

i tried to touch upon what was bothering me. and i found myself way off topic. probably on purpose. i know i dont have a monstrous following of loyal fans that read my blog. but what i have might be worse in this particular situation. i have loyal friends. who probably already know the facts im about to lay out. at least they think they do. but its much harder to admit. and i wonder and worry what theyll think. so heres to hoping they will chalk it up to the fact that im only human. and at least im honest. 

i find myself at the beginning of what could be a very carefree summer. i am not tied down to anyone or anything. at this point last year, i was hanging on to the very loose threads of a longterm relationship. i was not thinking of how relaxing and fun my summer would be. i was counting the exact amount of no shower happy hours i would miss by being away from the beach. i was searching the web daily for a job, any job, that would pay my rent. once found, i was spending my days scouring websites and libraries and bookstores for any and everything to prepare me to teach an entire year of seventh grade. i had kids (to babysit) and pets (to feed) and a general tied down feeling. long story short, summer was not summer. it was just like stupid winter without snow. on the brink of a polar opposite version of summer, i find myself wanting to stand in my stairwell and shake myself silly like the girl in love actually. this is it. living feet from the beach, with a freezer full of love [aka vodka] and my best friends as roomies. the world at my fingertips. i cannot screw this up now.

i actually care. im not supposed to. i dont want to. but i do. i hate that i do. i hate that stupid ass f made my thoughts a jumble today. i hate that im obsessing right now and cant sleep even though i posted an intellectual blog earlier which should clear all thoughts. and i mostly hate that i cant figure out what i hate the most about this situation. its not an easy fix. and its not something that will go away either. so i can kick my own self in the face about my self-help choice blog from earlier. im making choices. that are probably not the right ones. and apparently are affecting me more than i thought. if i continue to make the same choice, am i the accomplice? am i the one who is letting it happen, over and over? who has already okay'ed the poor behavior so that it is a clear path to future indiscretions? of course the answer to all of those questions is yes. but youre not supposed to be nodding at this point. no agreement, my friends.  i know its true. but i would appreciate a little trip to the no judgement zone from you. thanks. in the midst of this rave, i spoke with my good friend a. and she, of the glow in the dark silly bands and words of wisdom, let me know that, duh. these are things she already knew. as i predicted. such a mask of disguised emotions i am. im like a vault, i swear. which led me even further to believe that i need to make better choices. ones that i can sleep with. because apparently these are not allowing that same freedom. and, as always, she left me with advice to live by. and im going to borrow it. because its perfect. this man hits the nail on the head. especially for our summer. so here it is. from the mouth of bartender russell, "you need to be a little more sluttier. and when you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say 'today is the day for a new penis.' "

to thine own self be true

in a healthy relationship, there are always two people. they are committed to one another and often consider that person to be one of their best friends. they do not stray. they do not purposely hurt one another. they enjoy a healthy amount of time both together and apart, but are usually on the other's mind. although it is not a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, they take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.

i am no relationship expert. but ive been there. and ive had that. however, ive also had this. . .

in many relationships, there are always two central people. they say they are committed to one another, but their words and actions show otherwise. they call that person their best friend, but hurt them in ways youd expect from an archenemy. they stray. they purposely hurt one another. they enjoy either an unhealthy amount of time together, due to trust issues, or an unhealthy amount of time apart, due to the possibility that they just may not enjoy one anothers company. they are not on the others mind as much as they should be. it is a constant "what would he/she want me to do" type situation, followed by the direct opposite action. they do not take their partners opinions and feelings into consideration before acting.

cynical? maybe. but also true. am i the innocent party here? not always. i have lied. i have cheated. i have purposely done things to hurt another person, or often to "hurt them back" worse. i have done things selfishly without contemplating the consequences of my actions. i have chosen to spend my time unwisely in the face of my relationship. i have held things in when i should have shared them, and opened my mouth when biting my tongue would be more appropriate. i know that i am not always the victim. i have had relationships that started out like the first scenario and ended up like the second. and vice versa. and i know that no matter what, i have played an active role in that change. for better or for worse.

what is bringing this rant on, considering im not currently in a relationship? a discussion with a friend about the appropriateness of a certain situation got me quite fired up. yes, i am right smack in the middle of said situation. and ive willingly put myself there. however, so has everyone else involved. i felt the need to defend myself and started to wonder why. it got me thinking about relationships. and then about choices. which led me to all this. if two people are in a relationship, its because thats what they chose. its what they chose? dont you mean something else? no, unfortunately. i want to say its because they are in love, care about the other person, and genuinely want to be together. and often, thats the case. but not always. sometimes its more about a choice. because, and i am including personal experience here, sometimes people choose to stay. even when theyre not happy, and they dont care, and theyre not in love. so with all these choices being made, it sometimes happens that not everyone ends up on the same page. what you choose may not coincide with the choices being made around you. and what you choose may be based on different factors than other parties involved. and what you choose may be merely due to habit, convenience, or responsibility; not to emotions and needs.

and what happens when those choices dont match up? well then youre playing the wrong game of memory, i guess. all i know is that if you make the choice to stay with someone, knowing full well who they are and what theyre about, then arent you just as much at fault? if you let these situations happen, arent you really just an accomplice? it seems like a reasonable concept to me. the same applies to my students. if "just this once" i let them chew gum in class, i spend the next three weeks scraping it off the bottoms of my desks. if "please i promise its only this one time" a student gets to use the bathroom with a handwritten pass, they wont ever bother to bring their agenda book to class. if "but mrs. so-and-so let me" hand in homework late, i spend the entire marking period changing grades and making exceptions. off the clock! point being, if you let it slide once, it will most definitely happen again. and again and again. and the worst part is, its your fault. because you have opened the door to that type of behavior being okay. i think what baffles me the most, is that its really that simple for a hundred seventh graders to see, but not a handful of grown men and women? am i included in this handful? but of course! this is not just a rant about others, its a personal peptalk.

so why do we make these choices? maybe its because of a false sense of security about not being alone. i count myself among the many who have found themselves, at one point or another, saying id rather be with someone than be alone. while its not perfect or even very good. im guilty of staying in a relationship for too long, when it wasnt working, because it was all i had known for a very long time and i was scared to be on my own. maybe its because of the memory of happy times. again, im guilty of having said "we were happy once, we will be again" on numerous occasions. its almost as though you cling to the memory of that bliss in hopes that it will return. we all know it wont, but we cant help it. maybe its because of the bandwagon approach. everyones in a relationship. everyones getting engaged. everyones jumping off a bridge too, care to join? i find myself thinking that everyone in the world is in a relationship but me. those are the times i need a good slap. maybe its because youve believed you could change him for so long, it gets hard to deny. this is probably where im weakest. in practically every relationship ive had, ive tried to change him in some way. ive believed that i would be the one who would turn the cons into pros. it could be because he gave me that impression. could be that it was all in my head. but once you start to think theres hope, its hard to make it go away. so it doesnt surprise me that this is where im stuck again. and although its none of my concern, i think she feels the same way.

im trying not to think of the choices of others. only my own. bill rago said it best in renaissance man, "all i know is, the choices you make dictate the life you lead. to thine own self be true." its all about making a choice and standing by it. about not making excuses for yourself or anyone else. i dont know about the rest of you, but i must have been skipped over when the "make other people do what you want them to" super power was given out. i have to resign myself, as do we all, to the concept that i can only make my own choices. you can persuade and argue, but no matter what you do, you cant control someone else. and that sort of brings me back full circle. a relationship shouldnt be about control. it should be about making a choice for the right reason. i just need to figure out what that reason is.